please grade my AWA!

Question

Essay 2 Prompt:
People who use the artificial sweetener aspartame are better off consuming sugar since aspartame can actually contribute to weight gain rather than weight loss. For example, high levels of aspartame have been shown to trigger a craving for food by depleting the brain of a chemical that registers satiety, or the sense of being full. Furthermore, studies suggest that sugars, if consumed after at least 45 minutes of continuous exercise, actually enhance the body’s ability to burn fat. Consequently, those who drink aspartame-sweetened juices after exercise will also lose this calorie-burning benefit. Thus it appears that people consuming aspartame rather than sugar are unlikely to achieve their dietary goals.

The argument that people who consume aspartame over sugar are unlikely to meet their health goals makes multiple assumptions that depict a flawed view of the situation. The argument makes its claim based on the findings of a study which provides no context into the controls and variables for the experiment, who particpiated in the study, and how the study was measuring success or failure in terms of the body’s ability to burn fat. With these clarifications, the argument would have been more sound.

First, the argument lacks any background into how the study was conducted. By providing details into what kinds of exercise each person was involved in or how long they exercised, the argument could potentially become more convincing. For instance, if each study participant engaged in the same exercise program, it would be more likely to draw a general conclusion on whether sugar or aspartame was helpful in burning fat. If each participant did a different workout, for different amounts of time - the same conclusion could not logically be made. Furthermore, there is no detail on how long each particpant consumed aspartame or sugar. If some consumed it at the 45-minute mark, others 2 hours after, and others 4 hours after, we again cannot make a connection between all participants.

Second, the argument does not discuss the demographics of the study participants. If some participants are much older than others, one cannot make the assumption that their bodies’ will respond to exercise or specific diets the same way. Similarly, if some of the participants are already healthy and their body excels at burning fat, their results will more than likely be much different than those who are not as healthy or who do not exercise as often. The argument assumes that all of the participants can be lumped together in order to make a conclusion but without more details on who these people are, we cannot compare apples to oranges.

Finally, the study does not state how success, or the body’s ability to burn fat, is measured. Is this being measured by weight loss over time or by fat percentage? Was each person’s starting health, weight, and fat percentage taken into account before? With no insight into how the study came to its conclusions after reviewing its data, we cannot make the assumption that the intake of aspartame is better or worse than sugar in terms of burning body fat.

In conclusion, the argument lacks multiple key details that would make its assumption sound. In order to more adequately support its claim, the argument should provide more details into how the study was set up to create a controlled environment, who participated in the study, and how the study measured success in order to come to its ultimate conclusion that consuming asparatme over sugar will not be helpful in achieving dietary goals.

MahmoudFawzy · Answer

Hi  jzepeda 
Your essay is great, at least can score 5.5.
Congratulations in advance, and good luck with your GMAT.

See these tips (if didn't), it includes all what you may need.
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saukrit · Answer

jzepeda  Great structure, good word length. Would definitely fetch a 5.5 or above on the official exam.

TheNightKing · Answer

First, the argument lacks any background into how the study was conducted. By providing details into what kinds of exercise each person was involved in or how long they exercised, the argument could potentially become more convincing. For instance, if each study participant engaged in the same exercise program, it would be more likely to draw a general conclusion on whether sugar or aspartame was helpful in burning fat. If each participant did a different workout, for different amounts of time - the same conclusion could not logically be made. Furthermore, there is no detail on how long each particpant consumed aspartame or sugar. If some consumed it at the 45-minute mark, others 2 hours after, and others 4 hours after, we again cannot make a connection between all participants. Second, the argument does not discuss the demographics of the study participants. If some participants are much older than others, one cannot make the assumption that their bodies’ will respond to exercise or specific diets the same way. Similarly, if some of the participants are already healthy and their body excels at burning fat, their results will more than likely be much different than those who are not as healthy or who do not exercise as often. The argument assumes that all of the participants can be lumped together in order to make a conclusion but without more details on who these people are, we cannot compare apples to oranges. Finally, the study does not state how success , or the body’s ability to burn fat, is measured. Is this being measured by weight loss over time or by fat percentage? Was each person’s starting health, weight, and fat percentage taken into account before? With no insight into how the study came to its conclusions after reviewing its data, we cannot make the assumption that the intake of aspartame is better or worse than sugar in terms of burning body fat. In conclusion, the argument lacks multiple key details that would make its assumption sound . In order to more adequately support its claim, the argument should provide more details into how the study was set up to create a controlled environment, who participated in the study, and how the study measured success in order to come to its ultimate conclusion that consuming asparatme over sugar will not be helpful in achieving dietary goals. My Comments: Pretty Good.! I like the structure. Almost perfect that you can use on the day of the exam. I don't know the score this will fetch but overall a solid one.

daagh · Answer

Essay 2 Prompt:
People who use the artificial sweetener aspartame are better off consuming sugar since aspartame can actually contribute to weight gain rather than weight loss. For example, high levels of aspartame have been shown to trigger a craving for food by depleting the brain of a chemical that registers satiety, or the sense of being full. Furthermore, studies suggest that sugars, if consumed after at least 45 minutes of continuous exercise, actually enhance the body’s ability to burn fat. Consequently, those who drink aspartame-sweetened juices after exercise will also lose this calorie-burning benefit. Thus it appears that people consuming aspartame rather than sugar are unlikely to achieve their dietary goals.

Word count 476 
The argument that people who consume aspartame over sugar are unlikely to meet their health goals makes multiple assumptions that depict a flawed view of the situation. The argument makes its claim based on the findings of a study which provides no context into the controls and variables for the experiment,  who participated in the study,  and how the study was measuring success or failure in terms of the body’s ability to burn fat. With these clarifications, the argument would have been more sound.

1. Which -- put a comma before which 
2. who -- refers to whom?

You can use some technical words as---the argument suffers from the fallacy of overgeneralization, from the error of non-standard experimentation, and from ulterior motives

First, the argument lacks any background into how the study was conducted. By providing details into what kinds of exercise each person was involved in or how long they exercised, the argument could potentially become more convincing. For instance, if each study participant engaged in the same exercise program, it would be more likely to draw a general conclusion on whether sugar or aspartame was helpful in burning fat. If each participant did a different workout, for different amounts of time - the same conclusion could not logically be made. Furthermore, there is no detail on how long each  particpant  consumed aspartame or sugar. If some consumed it at the 45-minute mark, others 2 hours after, and others 4 hours after, we again cannot make a connection  between  all participants.

3.participant -- Sp 
4.between- say among

Second, the argument does not discuss the demographics of the study participants. If some participants are much older than others, one cannot make the assumption that their bodies’ will respond to exercise or specific diets the same way. Similarly, if some of the participants are already healthy and their body excels at burning fat, their results will more than likely be much  different than  those who are not as healthy or who do not exercise as often. The argument assumes that all of the participants can be lumped together in order to  make a conclusion  but without more details on who these people are, we cannot compare apples to oranges.
 
 5.different than - say different from 
6.make a conclusion -- say conclude

Finally, the study does not state how success, or the body’s ability to burn fat, is measured. Is this being measured by weight loss over time or by fat percentage?  Was  each person’s starting health, weight, and fat percentage taken into account before? With no insight into how the study came to its conclusions after reviewing its data, we cannot  make the assumption  that the intake of aspartame is better or worse than sugar in terms of burning body fat.
 7.Was -- SV number agreement error. 
8.make the assumption- say assume.

In conclusion, the argument lacks multiple key details that would make its assumption sound. In order to more adequately support its claim, the argument should provide more details into how the study was set up to create a controlled environment, who participated in the study, and how the study measured success in order to come to its  ultimate conclusion  that consuming  asparatme  over sugar will not be helpful in achieving dietary goals.

9.ultimate conclusion -- Redundant - just say conclusion. 
10. aspartame -- Sp

You may end the essay with an apt saying such as 
 "Sugar may be sweet in the beginning but the truth is always bitter at the end-- An Old Indian proverb 
 
 Construction  -- okay
  Length  --ok
  Beginning ---You might start the essay a little more dramatic as-- Here is an argument that digs its own grave. 
 Rhetoric : could be a little more forceful: Could give your own examples or study results, if you remember. 
 Grammar, spelling, and style : Be careful about the grammar mistake such as SV errors and spelling mistakes. However, they are not many to worry about. Please give one or two minutes more for proofreading 
 Tone:  Could be a little more fussy. 
 Rating :  5.5

Good Luck
Daagh

please grade my AWA!

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