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# Please rate my independent TOEFL essay (I will rate yours in return)

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Intern
Joined: 10 Mar 2018
Posts: 2
Please rate my independent TOEFL essay (I will rate yours in return)  [#permalink]

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10 Mar 2018, 08:03
Hi guys,
is somebody willing to go over my essay and provide a score from 1-5 according to the TOEFL rubic? In turn, I would be willng to return the favour. Thank you!

Some people suggest that it is wrong to give money to beggars asking for money on the street, while others think that it is the right thing to do. Which point of view do you think is correct, and why?

Some people maintain the position that is it not right to give money to beggars. While it is true that in some instances the money might go to mafia-type organizations, it is critical to focus on the broader picture. Therefore, I strongly believe that it is critical for a society to show solidarity with less fortunate individuals.

The first reason, why I think it is important to show empathy to people asking for money is that is can always happen to oneself. Consider, for example, the case of a young family that lost everything in a catastrophic tornado. The last chance for this family to provide their children with basic necessities is to beg for money on the streets. Similarly, the overwhelming majority of beggars on the street are in this situation without bearing any responsibility for it. Thus, we should always consider this viewpoint when deciding to give some coins or not.

Furthermore, caring for the less fortunate and showing solidarity to every member of a society is a sign of social progress. Research into social behaviour as far back as the 1960s shows that societies with a high level of social development are more willing to provide help to those that need it. It is always easy to point to the others. Nevertheless, I believe it is important to start with oneself's actions to bring about change in the society.

Yet another argument in favour of giving money to beggars is the point of societal externalities. What sounds like a very technical term from the field of economics, is an important principle when talking about the costs of poverty. This means, people are negatively affected by other people's suffering. If a beggar, for example, is not able to treat a contagious disease, because he lacks the funds, this might in turn affect the health of several other people in this city. Thus, even from an egocentric standpoint, helping other may benefit yourself.

To conclude, the question of whether it is right to give beggars on the street money is centuries old and cannot be answered easily. However, I believe that empathy and solidarity are necessary virtues in a developed society. I, personally, give my change money to beggars whenever it is possible.
Current Student
Joined: 30 Jan 2016
Posts: 1225
Re: Please rate my independent TOEFL essay (I will rate yours in return)  [#permalink]

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10 Mar 2018, 09:55
1
Hi!

Your essay looks good. Did it take you 30 minutes to finish it?

I think you'd better keep it simple. It's better to write 2 good paragraphs then 3 not that good. You can find instructional vedeos here:

https://gmatclub.com/forum/toefl-instru ... 46203.html
_________________
Non progredi est regredi
Intern
Joined: 10 Mar 2018
Posts: 2
Re: Please rate my independent TOEFL essay (I will rate yours in return)  [#permalink]

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12 Mar 2018, 05:25
Thank you very much for your prompt feedback. It took me 30 min. I will try to incorporate your advice and keep it more simple.
Re: Please rate my independent TOEFL essay (I will rate yours in return)   [#permalink] 12 Mar 2018, 05:25

# Please rate my independent TOEFL essay (I will rate yours in return)

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