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Please review my essay and provide feedback

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S
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Please review my essay and provide feedback  [#permalink]

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New post 16 Jun 2016, 08:14
1
Quote:
The following letter to the editor appeared in the Coastal Times:

It has become clear that President Leonard needs to be recalled. His approval rating is down below 50% and the unemployment rate is well above its historical average. While I agree with his handling of the recent international conflicts, we simply cannot afford such stagnant economic growth. We must recall President Leonard in order to put our neighbors back to work!

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.


The author opines that the country needs to recall its former president Leonard in order to improve the current stagnant economic growth. The limitations against him are high unemployment rate and low approval rating. The author agrees with Leonard's handling of international conflicts and hence feels that Leonard needs to be called to put the country's neighbors back. The argument contains fallacies which are described below.

Primarily, various reasons behind the approval rating and unemployment rate need to be studied. Even though public may not approve, sometimes leader may indeed give his best performance and still may not get appreciated due to many reasons. A leader may increase fuel rates, vehicle prices or taxes to raise certain income needed for the country but public may not approve of the same policy. Generally in many countries average approval rating may depend on huge set of people which includes uneducated people who believe in free gifts or policies that benefit them(for instance reservation and additional benefits) and educated people who are too busy to evaluate their leader and others. So on average the approval rating may not reflect the correct ability of the leader.

Similarly, Unemployment can result due to various reasons. The reasons may include factors such as lack of skills even though they depend on the President capability to increase industrialization to provide jobs. On the other hand, the same factors can also account for his capability of handling things at needed level.

The writer says that Leonard can handle international conflicts well and he feels that country people cannot afford such stagnant economic growth. The author needs to support his statement with more facts and figures in order to make it look convincing. It also needs to be figured whether president Leonard can repeat the earlier performance even in current times. There are plenty number of cases where the leader which met with success in the past may not manage to do the same in different time periods later. One such instance is of Infosys Narayanamurthy who founded infosys with his partners and raised to a very high level. But he took charge for the second time, situations were different and he could deliver the same performance as before. Therefore author statement needs to be evaluated thoroughly before it can sound convincing.

The above aspects need to be considered to make argument acceptable enough. Without additional information which addresses the assumptions and loopholes behind the argument, the argument as is unacceptable.
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Re: Please review my essay and provide feedback  [#permalink]

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New post 16 Jun 2016, 15:35
1
Overall, a solid job.

There are two main things you want to focus on- proof reading and tighter writing. There were some points your analysis where I had to reread a sentence a few times to understand what you were trying to say. If you can clean those two things up, your essay will be much stronger.

Proof reading:
"The author agrees with Leonard's handling of international conflicts and hence feels that Leonard needs to be called to put the country's neighbors back."
- ...put the country's neighbors back what? back where? The argument says back to work, but when I read that sentence, it's not clear.

" Even though public may not approve, sometimes leader may indeed give his best performance..."
- sometimes a leader or sometimes leaders

"It also needs to be figured whether president Leonard can repeat the earlier performance even in current times. "
Like in the sentence correction, I believe the correct idiom is whether or not. Also figured? should be "figure out"

"There are plenty number of cases where the leader which met with success in the past may not manage to do the same in different time periods later."
- Plenty number is redundant. Just say "There are a number of cases..."

Those are just some of the things that stood out to me in terms of proofreading.

More coherent writing:

"Similarly, Unemployment can result due to various reasons. The reasons may include factors such as lack of skills even though they depend on the President capability to increase industrialization to provide jobs. On the other hand, the same factors can also account for his capability of handling things at needed level."
- this second paragraph should be longer and have more analysis. My recommendation is to either get rid of it to spend more time writing about the other topics, or integrate this into another paragraph.

Also in terms of the part of the analysis of how to make the argument stronger, spend an extra sentence or two about that. Make sure it is very clear that if the author had considered the flaws you are pointing out, the conclusion of the argument would be much stronger.

Cheers-

J
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Re: Please review my essay and provide feedback  [#permalink]

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New post 06 Aug 2018, 08:57
Hello from the GMAT Club VerbalBot!

Thanks to another GMAT Club member, I have just discovered this valuable topic, yet it had no discussion for over a year. I am now bumping it up - doing my job. I think you may find it valuable (esp those replies with Kudos).

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Re: Please review my essay and provide feedback &nbs [#permalink] 06 Aug 2018, 08:57
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