Please review my essay

Question

Q:People attend college or university for many different reasons (for
example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge).
Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific
reasons and examples to support your answer.

Ans: College- A workshop for the overall development of students.
College is a place where one can study, increase knowledge, gain new experience, get career preparation, learn different culture, and get prepared for facing the so called “real world”.
In college, the knowledge increases as one interacts with other students, the exchange of knowledge takes place and through that smattering-smattering the information or the knowledge pool increases. In our college, we prefer group study. As a student, we know each other’s level of understanding and where one can get problem so, we try to clear each other’s doubts.
Also, the students in the university have diversity in their culture. This increases a curiosity in the students to get to know different cultures, different languages. I have learned French by interacting with my friends only.
College helps the student to get prepared for their career. It helps them in giving a platform to implement all their skills practically. They enhance their knowledge of the subjects of their field and the companies prefer the candidate who is well prepared and has studied his field thoroughly. The degree from the college assures them of the candidate’s knowledge as examinations are like fitness test i.e., how well they fit in the organization. It is a reflection of their capabilities and capacity. A person without a college degree may be tough to be judged about his/her capabilities. So, for getting a job, a degree from a university is a pre-requisite.
Going to the college, one gets prepared to face the real world challenges. In college, student gets many new experiences. They learn how to manage time, how to work under stress, how to improve interpersonal skills, organizational skills, etc. Submitting more than ten assignments each week, the stress, the upcoming deadlines; it helps in learning time management. And in this era, where we are nearly to catch the speed of light, time management and other such skills have become mandatory.
Also, students acquire problem solving capabilities which will help them in facing real world problems and make them sturdy.
Also, in college, many facilities are there to promote one’s recreational activities. One may create a hobby club in the college and try to help others in various activities and so, it can become the best hub for creativity. In our college, we have a hobby club in which we help each other in learning guitar, sketching, dancing, etc.
So, a college is a workshop for students which targets in the overall development of each student and helps them to enhance their skills and knowledge which indeed will help them to survive in this competitive world.

Review it on the basis of content and length.Also,rate it out of 30(as in TOEFL).

shirley13 · Answer

@rid82 please review it..

watchsmart · Answer

Your essay needs organization. I can't pick out a clear introductory paragraph or distinct body paragraphs. Do check out  this article  for notes about how to structure an essay. An essay without organization and structure is hard to read.

You've got grammar issues, but those will take time (and lots of studying) to improve. But you can fix your organization issues with just a half hour of study.

If you do check that guide out feel free to re-post your essay and I'll take a closer look at it. It's hard for anyone to review an essay that is hard to read.

shirley13 · Answer

I have tried my bit to organize the essay while keeping the content same. Now review it.

College is a place where one can study, increase knowledge, gain new experience, get career preparation, learn different culture, grab new opportunities and get prepared for facing the so called “real world”. So, in my opinion, every person has a different reason for attending college.

Firstly, in college, the knowledge of a person increases as one interacts with the other students or with the teachers. The exchange of knowledge takes place and through that smattering-smattering the knowledge pool increases. For instance, if I know a specific way of solving a problem and my colleague solves it with some different method so, I can learn a different method just by interacting with him and hence, augment my knowledge. Even one may learn about different cultures and different languages as the students of the university may have diversity of culture. I have learned French from my college friend, who is from France.

Secondly, college helps the student to get prepared for their career. It helps them in giving a platform to implement all their skills practically. They enhance their knowledge of the subjects which is of their interest. And as we know, the companies prefer the candidate who is well prepared and has studied his field thoroughly. The degree from the college assures them that the candidate has knowledge in that specific field. It is a reflection of their capabilities and capacity. A person without a college degree may be tough to be judged about his/her capabilities. So, for getting a job, a degree from a university is a pre-requisite.

One of the reasons can be that going to the college, one gets prepared to face the real world challenges. In college, student gets many new experiences. They learn how to manage time, how to work under stress, how to improve interpersonal skills, organizational skills, etc. Submitting more than ten assignments each week, the stress, the upcoming deadlines; it helps in learning time management. Students acquire problem solving capabilities which will help them in facing real world problems.

Also, in college, many facilities are there to promote one’s recreational activities. Students may create a hobby club in the college and try to help others in various activities and so, it can become the best hub for creativity. In our college, we have a hobby club in which we help each other in learning guitar, sketching, dancing, etc.

To sum it up, I feel in college one can gain knowledge, get opportunities and have new experiences and so, each and every individual can find his/her own reason for attending college.

watchsmart · Answer

Hi Shirley,

I've tried to re-organize your essay a bit. Take a look at what I've done to it and then look at the reasons:

"College is a place where one can study, increase knowledge, gain new experience, get career preparation, learn different culture, grab new opportunities and get prepared for facing the so called “real world”. So, in my opinion, every person has a different reason for attending college.

Firstly, in college, the knowledge of a person increases as one interacts with the other students or with the teachers. The exchange of knowledge takes place and through that smattering-smattering the knowledge pool increases. For instance, if I know a specific way of solving a problem and my colleague solves it with some different method so, I can learn a different method just by interacting with him and hence, augment my knowledge. Even one may learn about different cultures and different languages as the students of the university may have diversity of culture. I have learned French from my college friend, who is from France. Also, in college, many facilities are there to promote one’s recreational activities. Students may create a hobby club in the college and try to help others in various activities and so, it can become the best hub for creativity. In our college, we have a hobby club in which we help each other in learning guitar, sketching, dancing, etc. This further increases our interactions with new people.

Secondly, college helps the student to get prepared for their career. It helps them in giving a platform to implement all their skills practically. They enhance their knowledge of the subjects which is of their interest. And as we know, the companies prefer the candidate who is well prepared and has studied his field thoroughly. The degree from the college assures them that the candidate has knowledge in that specific field. It is a reflection of their capabilities and capacity. A person without a college degree may be tough to be judged about his/her capabilities. So, for getting a job, a degree from a university is a pre-requisite. One of the reasons can be that going to the college, one gets prepared to face the real world challenges. In college, student gets many new experiences. They learn how to manage time, how to work under stress, how to improve interpersonal skills, organizational skills, etc. Submitting more than ten assignments each week, the stress, the upcoming deadlines; it helps in learning time management. Students acquire problem solving capabilities which will help them in facing real world problems.

To sum it up, I feel in college one can gain knowledge, get opportunities and have new experiences and so, each and every individual can find his/her own reason for attending college. "

OKAY:

Do you see what I've done there? I've condensed what you wrote into a standard four paragraph (intro, body 1, body 2, conclusion) format. This is the recommended style for TOEFL essays. It is a little bit formulaic, but since you only have 30 minutes to write the darn thing, it works pretty well.

You could improve your introduction by following a more standard template. I usually suggest that students state one clear MAIN POINT followed by short introductions to the supporting reasons. For example, you could have written something like this:

"There are many reasons why people to go to university. I feel that the most important reason why people go to university is that it helps prepare them for the future. I feel this way for two reasons. First, university exposes people to new and interesting people. Second, it helps people develop the skills and knowledge they need to be successful in their careers."

That's a bit more focuses and helps the grader follow your train of thought.

Does this help a bit? Let me know if I can provide any more advice.

shirley13 · Answer

Hey,thanxx for the help.

I just wanted to ask..how is the content of my essay..average or what..?? n does it contains a "lot" of grammatical mistakes?

watchsmart · Answer

Your grammar is alright. Your content is good. I feel, however, that you are trying a bit too hard to use advanced vocabulary. This causes your work to sound a bit awkward at times, and causes you to make grammatical mistakes more often than you ought to. Don't be afraid to just use what sounds natural sometimes. Use the advanced vocabulary you've studied... but not all the time.

I'll give your work the usual grammar and usage run-down. Here ya go:

-That sentence at the beginning where you list all the reasons to go to college is too long. Break that up into two and it will sound a lot better.

-Don't need the comma before "in my opinion."

-How about this: "in college one's knowledge increases..." That sounds a bit more natural than what you wrote.

-This sentence is too long: "For instance, if I know a specific way of solving a problem and my colleague solves it with some different method so, I can learn a different method just by interacting with him and hence, augment my knowledge."

Try something like this: "For instance if I solve problems using a specific method and my colleague uses a different method I can learn something new by interacting with him."

-Try "one may even" instead of "even one"

-Look at this sentence: "Students may create a hobby club in the college and try to help others in various activities and so, it can become the best hub for creativity." Your grammar broke down because you reached too far to include the word "hub." Please know that I, a native speaker, probably use the word "hub" only once or twice in a year. Anyhow you could say:

"Students may create a hobby club in the college and try to help others in various activities. In this way a university serves as a hub of creativity." Always "hub OF" and never "hub FOR."

-Avoid using "etc" in essays. Stick with "and so on" or something similar.

-You don't need an article in "college helps the student." Just pluralize "students."

-You don't need "subjects which is of their interest." Just keep it simple: "the subjects they are interested in."

-You can be judged "on" or "by" but never judged "about." English is funny.

-change "can be that going to the college" to "can be that by going to college..."

Okay, I'm going to stop there. There are other issues, but this should get you started. If you fix those up I can take another look.

Overall, your work is pretty good.

-change "can be that going to the college" to "can be that by going to college..." Okay, I'm going to stop there. There are other issues, but this should get you started. If you fix those up I can take another look. Overall, your work is pretty good.

Please review my essay

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