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Rate my essay!

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Joined: 11 Feb 2011
Posts: 129

Kudos [?]: 249 [0], given: 21

Rate my essay! [#permalink]

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New post 17 Jun 2011, 05:13
Issue: -
"The invention of the Internet has created more problems than it has solved. Most people would have a higher quality of life had the Internet never been invented."

Like the cosmic forces that govern the Earth and exert a great effect on its nature ,the Internet is also one of those unbelievable inventions that shook the world to a huge extent .It has been proven as a tool to pave way for our future. It has changed the way humans look into the future. The above argument emphasises on the negative sides of the internet but it is also one of the most effective tool we ever witnessed.
The conclusion that whether it has created more problems cannot be reached upon without accurately clarifying the rest important factors. Most of the factors have highly influenced our lives like the internet has perhaps shrunk the world so much that nothing is beyond the reach of anyone. The click of the cursor and there we have. It makes me remember of the story called “genie in a bottle”.
Take the case of primitive period when no one could fly to far off countries.Today we can easily book tickets through the internet and it is so easy .If we teach it to a five year old kid even he can do it .Can you just imagine that to book tickets earlier people had to face lot of troubles and due to which they sought the help of agents to secure tickets .The agents used to thug them .But now it is so transparent and one can even receive tickets at your doorstep.
In countries where there is no development at all internet has become a medium for children to get education .What better than his! We know that if we want a better future our young generations have to be educated .Even in India there are some villages where with the advent of internet people have come out in huge numbers to educate these poor children and to make their dreams come true. Think of how proud those poor parents would be, seeing their children getting educated. This has been made possible through long distance learning education programmes .
The internet has revolutionised our lives .Ironically, it has also brought with it certain problems like now people have access to everything .If one wants to create a bomb he can easily do it .There are hundreds of websites where one can learn the technique. In fact most of the terrorist websites teach it .Again it has vast database of information which can be accessed from anywhere anytime .Every country now has enough information to develop nuclear power which is highly dangerous. Crimes like credit card frauds ,hacking a government website and spreading racial discontent among people are very common.
All these should not influence us to think that internet is actually a problem. Rather if we use it wisely it can make our lives and our surroundings lot more clean and healthy.
So I strongly condemn those people who are misusing internet for their own selfish purposes.

target:-810 out of 800!

Kudos [?]: 249 [0], given: 21

User avatar
Status: App Time
Joined: 30 Nov 2010
Posts: 40

Kudos [?]: 3 [0], given: 0

Location: United States (PA)
Concentration: Entrepreneurship, Technology
GMAT 1: 710 Q48 V38
GPA: 3.2
WE: Information Technology (Computer Software)
Re: Rate my essay! [#permalink]

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New post 26 Jun 2011, 16:57
Good effort!

I would rate the essay between 3.5 and 4.5.

A minor suggestion. "The above argument emphasises on the negative sides of the internet but it fails to take into account that it is also one of the most effective tool we ever witnessed". You want always contrast with some context. My suggestion is a bit wordy and I'm sure you can trim it down but I think you get the idea.

The main issue I have with the essay is with the examples. You bring up some good points like you can now buy tickets online. However, focusing on the root advantage would give the reader a better understanding of what you are trying to convey. In this particular case, the real advantage is that online transactions simplify our lives. Your example appears to suggest that internet has allowed people to fly.

Also, try not use words that have different connotations in different English dialects. "Thug" has a slightly different meaning in American English. The word you are probably looking for is "hoodwink" or simply "cheat".

Lastly, for an academic essay such as this, try to avoid exclamatory sentences unless absolutely necessary. Also, keep in mind that examples you provide should make sense to the writer. For example, "genie in a bottle" is something that can have different interpretations depending on the reader.

Hope that helps.

Keep practicing!

My GMAT Story: tale-of-a-first-timer

Kudos [?]: 3 [0], given: 0

Re: Rate my essay!   [#permalink] 26 Jun 2011, 16:57
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