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Rate my "Women and men" essay please

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Joined: 19 Sep 2017
Posts: 8
Rate my "Women and men" essay please  [#permalink]

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New post 24 Sep 2017, 23:05
I am here, because I am preparing to my TOEFL and have problems with writing section. Below is my essay and I need someone who can check it. Any advices will be very helpful. Thanks

"Women and men"

Many people believe that women cannot do anything as well as a man can. Women have tried to gain as much respect as possible and be treated equally throughout the years, but the battle for equal rights has not yet been won. In my opinion, women have the right to live their lives however they want and be able to be treated with respect and equality. Some girls are married too young, others are no allowed to attend school and most women are paid less than men. Women have the right to live in no fear of abuse or force as these are basic human rights, which are entitled to each person.

Each year, 15 million girls are married before the age of 18. That's 28 girls every minute married too young, these girls are married way too soon and this puts their personal development and wellbeing in danger. As there are more young people on our planet than ever before, we must stop this human rights violation. Child brides are often taken advantage of and refused of their rights to health, education and safety. These young girls are not physically or emotionally ready to become wives and mothers, as these girls are not fully-grown they are at a great risk of struggles in pregnancy, childbirth and domestic violence. In some cultures they may force little girls to marry men who are a lot older than them. These little girls should be playing outside with their friends and having fun but instead they are getting married and becoming mothers to children who are only about 12 years younger than them. These young women are not only getting married and having children but their childhood is taken away from them, they are given fewer opportunities and if we do nothing to stop this issue, by 2030 an estimated 15.4 million girls will marry as children. Child marriages occur all over the world and it is about time it came to an end. Children should be in school, not raising families. We should be protecting these innocent children.

Secondly, I strongly believe that education is essential and very important for every child whether you are a boy or girl. It is heartbreaking that some communities still discriminate against the education of a girl. About 57 million children around the world are not going to school. 95% of the children that are not getting a primary school education live in third world and low-income countries such as Africa, West Asia and the Arab States. Girls make up 55% of the children not getting an education. An African proverb once said, "If we educate a boy, we educate one person. If we educate a girl, we educate a family and a whole nation." If we send a girl to school, it is likely that she will send her own children to school. Many people believe that investing in a girl's education is investing in a nation. Educated women are more likely to get involved in political discussions, and decision-making, which creates a more effective government. Females deserve the right to learn. Why should we not be educated? Are we second-rate human beings? Are we property that gets passed along and doesn't need to have an opinion? Should we not be able to think for ourselves? Females have the rights to access education as high as they can attain. They have the rights to be smart and successful. It is a very unfair decision where boys may go to schools and girls must stay home.

Did you know that Australian women earn 17.1% less than men? Or that men out-earn us by $1 million over a lifetime? In Australia, the average woman who works full-time earns 17.1% less than the average man. And even though 56% of university graduates are women, only 6% of Australia's top 200 companies have female CEOS. This goes to show that sexism does still exist in our lives and even though women are capable of being leaders they are not given the opportunity to work to their full potential. In America, female full-time workers made only 79 cents for every dollar earned by a man. The typical woman loses $431,000 in pay over a 40-year career. Why should men get paid more than women? The reason is men think they are so much better than women. Why should they be so much better? Man and women are equal. Both men and women work hard and they deserve to be paid equally for equal work. Equal pay is not just a women's issue and it is not just about women being paid less. It is also about women's work being undervalued around the world. It's only right that equal work receives equal pay.

In conclusion, women have the right to live their lives however they want and be treated with respect and equality. Women do not have the rights they deserve and they are unequally treated compared to men. Every woman is entitled to her own opinion, education and healthcare. I believe that there needs to be more organizations helping to free women from their harsh living conditions, or change the rules of women's rights in countries that are struggling. If women's rights can be equal to men's, this can increase jobs and education for women. People need to commit to helping organizations and improving these rights. People need to know about what's happening to these women and there needs to be change. I am reaching out to you because I need your help to end gender inequality. My hope is that by 2030 we can talk about gender inequality in historical terms. Because the reality is that if we do nothing it will take 75 years before women can expect to be paid the same as men for the same work. 15.5 million girls will be married in the next 16 years as children. And at current rates it won't be until 2086 before all rural African girls will be able to receive a secondary education. We need to ensure that all women and girls have the same rights as men and boys do.

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Re: Rate my "Women and men" essay please  [#permalink]

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New post 15 Oct 2017, 03:34
Hi CrystalKranz,
This is a great essay. Did you write it in 30 minutes?
Non progredi est regredi
Joined: 07 Jul 2017
Posts: 37
Re: Rate my "Women and men" essay please  [#permalink]

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New post 17 Oct 2017, 01:34
The essay on 'women equality & women of our society' is textured well and a great read.
All the best for your preparation.
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Re: Rate my "Women and men" essay please   [#permalink] 17 Oct 2017, 01:34
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