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05 Jan 2014, 04:49
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Hi all, request you to rate my AWA below. Many thanks in advance!
AWA question:
The following appeared as part of an article reviewing summer camps for children.
Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.
My response below:
The argument is not very well reasoned. The argument present the results of two rankings in which it is ranked amongst the top camps and suggests that it is the best choice for parents to send their children to. It considers camper satisfaction and food quality the most important criteria for selection of a summer camp. While it mentions that it is an old camp and employs a large number of security personnel, it does not give its rank in the safety criterion.
The argument makes the following assumptions:
First, the argument assumes that overall camper satisfaction and food quality are the most important criteria parents look at while choosing a summer camp for their children. However, this might not be actually true. Second, the argument assumes that the ranks are a good indicator of the actual camp experience and quality and are not manipulated.
In order to strengthen the argument, the following evidence could be provided:
First, the safety rankings and rankings on other criteria such as diversity of children should be presented. Also, the basis of the ranks such as surveys etc. is not given. Presenting such information will also help make the argument more sound. Second, if the rankings are audited, it will lend more credibility to the results. Third, testimonials of past campers and their parents must be added to lend more credibility to the advertisement.
If there are other rankings where the camp ranks lower, the argument will be weakened. Also, if there are actual customer experiences which were not satisfactory, the argument may be weakened further. Even for the rankings presented above, if the basis of such rankings is found to be inappropriate (such as based on a survey of people not representative of the camp going children's parents etc.) the argument will be undermined.
Thus, to make the argument more logically sound, further details on all important criteria including safety and diversity must be presented. The authenticity of the rankings should also be stated. The argument should be supplemented with testimonials of past campers.
To better evaluate the argument, a competitive benchmarking study would be helpful. Hence, an analysis of the camp in question and other competitor camps on all important parameters would provide a more logical evaluation and conclusion.
AWA question:
The following appeared as part of an article reviewing summer camps for children.
Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.
My response below:
The argument is not very well reasoned. The argument present the results of two rankings in which it is ranked amongst the top camps and suggests that it is the best choice for parents to send their children to. It considers camper satisfaction and food quality the most important criteria for selection of a summer camp. While it mentions that it is an old camp and employs a large number of security personnel, it does not give its rank in the safety criterion.
The argument makes the following assumptions:
First, the argument assumes that overall camper satisfaction and food quality are the most important criteria parents look at while choosing a summer camp for their children. However, this might not be actually true. Second, the argument assumes that the ranks are a good indicator of the actual camp experience and quality and are not manipulated.
In order to strengthen the argument, the following evidence could be provided:
First, the safety rankings and rankings on other criteria such as diversity of children should be presented. Also, the basis of the ranks such as surveys etc. is not given. Presenting such information will also help make the argument more sound. Second, if the rankings are audited, it will lend more credibility to the results. Third, testimonials of past campers and their parents must be added to lend more credibility to the advertisement.
If there are other rankings where the camp ranks lower, the argument will be weakened. Also, if there are actual customer experiences which were not satisfactory, the argument may be weakened further. Even for the rankings presented above, if the basis of such rankings is found to be inappropriate (such as based on a survey of people not representative of the camp going children's parents etc.) the argument will be undermined.
Thus, to make the argument more logically sound, further details on all important criteria including safety and diversity must be presented. The authenticity of the rankings should also be stated. The argument should be supplemented with testimonials of past campers.
To better evaluate the argument, a competitive benchmarking study would be helpful. Hence, an analysis of the camp in question and other competitor camps on all important parameters would provide a more logical evaluation and conclusion.
05 Jan 2014, 08:07
Kudos
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Hmm... I'm not quite sure what to offer for your essay here. It's written well, but is lacking a bit in the broader 'essay' structure. It feels more like a list of bullet points than a coherent five paragraph essay.
I'd say it'd probably get a score in the 4.0-4.5 range.
I'd offer two suggestions:
1. Take a look at the example essays in the official guide.
2. Take a look at this great piece from my friend Stacey -- https://www.manhattangmat.com/articles/ace-essays.cfm
Hope this helps.
-Brian
I'd say it'd probably get a score in the 4.0-4.5 range.
I'd offer two suggestions:
1. Take a look at the example essays in the official guide.
2. Take a look at this great piece from my friend Stacey -- https://www.manhattangmat.com/articles/ace-essays.cfm
Hope this helps.
-Brian
08 Feb 2014, 12:13
Kudos
Bookmarks
Hi Brian,
Many thanks for your feedback. I now pay attention to the structure of the write-up and ensure its not like a collection of bullet points.
Given below is my latest AWA. Request you to rate and provide feedback on this one too, please 0- its very helpful. With my GMAT less than a month away, your thoughts would be immensely valuable.
Question:
The following appeared in the opinion section of a national newsmagazine:
“To reverse the deterioration of the postal service, the government should raise the price of postage stamps. This solution will no doubt prove effective, since the price increase will generate larger revenues and will also reduce the volume of mail, thereby eliminating the strain on the existing system and contributing to improved morale.”
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion, be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.
My response:
The argument states that increasing the price of postal stamps will help reverse the deterioration of the postal service. The author assumes that an increase in price will lead to an larger revenues and reduced mail volumes. However, it does not provide any evidence to support these claims. In addition, it assumes that reduced volume will lead to improve morale of the employees. However, this might not be the case if an increase in price leads to reduced demand for postal services and thus dries up volumes. Such a situation will not only reduce revenues (opposed to an increase assumed by the author) but also lead to dissatisfaction among workers due to lack of work to occupy them. Hence, the overall line of reasoning used seems very flawed.
Any evidence which proves that increasing prices of postal stamps leads to decline in revenues will weaken the argument. Such evidence may include a survey of a sample of people who use postal services regularly, historical evidence of the negative impact of increase in prices on postal services in a state or country, and the adverse impact of any price increase on similar utility services.
On the contrary, if there is evidence that a price increase leads to higher revenues and reduced volume to manageable levels, the argument will be strengthened. Also, if there is a survey that proves that postal stamps have elastic demand, and a higher price will reduce volumes (yet increase total revenues), the argument will be strengthened.
To better evaluate the conclusion of the argument, it is important to understand the underlying reasons for the poor state of the postal services. For instance, the reason for low morale might not be the workload but other factors such as the way the postal department treats its workers. The impact of changing technology and alternative modes of communication, such as email, and competition from private courier / cargo services should also be assessed. There may be a survey conducted to better understand these factors and their impact on demand for postal services. For instance, the survey may reveal that postal services are not be viewed as efficient or reliable by many and an increase in price will diminish the demand to very low levels, leading to a decline in total revenues.
Thus, a better understanding of the underlying reasons for the poor state of the postal service will help evaluate the argument better.
Thanks!
Many thanks for your feedback. I now pay attention to the structure of the write-up and ensure its not like a collection of bullet points.
Given below is my latest AWA. Request you to rate and provide feedback on this one too, please 0- its very helpful. With my GMAT less than a month away, your thoughts would be immensely valuable.
Question:
The following appeared in the opinion section of a national newsmagazine:
“To reverse the deterioration of the postal service, the government should raise the price of postage stamps. This solution will no doubt prove effective, since the price increase will generate larger revenues and will also reduce the volume of mail, thereby eliminating the strain on the existing system and contributing to improved morale.”
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion, be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.
My response:
The argument states that increasing the price of postal stamps will help reverse the deterioration of the postal service. The author assumes that an increase in price will lead to an larger revenues and reduced mail volumes. However, it does not provide any evidence to support these claims. In addition, it assumes that reduced volume will lead to improve morale of the employees. However, this might not be the case if an increase in price leads to reduced demand for postal services and thus dries up volumes. Such a situation will not only reduce revenues (opposed to an increase assumed by the author) but also lead to dissatisfaction among workers due to lack of work to occupy them. Hence, the overall line of reasoning used seems very flawed.
Any evidence which proves that increasing prices of postal stamps leads to decline in revenues will weaken the argument. Such evidence may include a survey of a sample of people who use postal services regularly, historical evidence of the negative impact of increase in prices on postal services in a state or country, and the adverse impact of any price increase on similar utility services.
On the contrary, if there is evidence that a price increase leads to higher revenues and reduced volume to manageable levels, the argument will be strengthened. Also, if there is a survey that proves that postal stamps have elastic demand, and a higher price will reduce volumes (yet increase total revenues), the argument will be strengthened.
To better evaluate the conclusion of the argument, it is important to understand the underlying reasons for the poor state of the postal services. For instance, the reason for low morale might not be the workload but other factors such as the way the postal department treats its workers. The impact of changing technology and alternative modes of communication, such as email, and competition from private courier / cargo services should also be assessed. There may be a survey conducted to better understand these factors and their impact on demand for postal services. For instance, the survey may reveal that postal services are not be viewed as efficient or reliable by many and an increase in price will diminish the demand to very low levels, leading to a decline in total revenues.
Thus, a better understanding of the underlying reasons for the poor state of the postal service will help evaluate the argument better.
Thanks!
