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28 Feb 2021, 07:14
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Hi Guys,
Hope you are doing good. Please take out some time to review my AWA essay.
Argument:
The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine devoted to regional life:
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in
the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of
the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios
is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of
innovative technologies.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
Essay:
The given argument suggests that corporations that are looking for new business opportunities or a new location for expansion should take a look at Helios. It has been stated that Helios has had a lower unemployment rate than its regional average, even in a recent recession. Helios has been a major provider of manufacturing jobs in the region and has future goals of expanding by attracting companies focused on R&D of innovative technologies. The presented argument seems strong as it presents Helios as an example of an ideal city that new corporations could look up to but, while doing so it misses certain points which could strengthen the entire argument.
Firstly, The argument does not take factors like population density into consideration while comparing the unemployment rate. Population density is the number of people living per square unit of area. The more the population density, the more will be the chance that someone is unemployed. For example, if there are 2 out of 10 people unemployed it means 20% population is unemployed while keeping the numerator the same if 2 out of 100 people are unemployed it means only 2% of people are unemployed. Such relative factors should be considered to present the complete case.
Secondly, The argument generalizes all the corporations together which isn't correct. As the argument states that Helios is a major manufacturing jobs provider it can be inferred that people living there and in the nearby cities know manufacturing and the facilities in the city support manufacturing industries. Which won't meet the requirements of some other industry like software companies and they will end up blindly following the sheep. Hence the argument should mention that corporations of which industries can benefit from the model of Helios.
The overall argument construction is strong and quite convincing but adding the points mentioned above would add more factual grounds to the entire argument and strengthen it.
Hope you are doing good. Please take out some time to review my AWA essay.
Argument:
The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine devoted to regional life:
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in
the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of
the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios
is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of
innovative technologies.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
Essay:
The given argument suggests that corporations that are looking for new business opportunities or a new location for expansion should take a look at Helios. It has been stated that Helios has had a lower unemployment rate than its regional average, even in a recent recession. Helios has been a major provider of manufacturing jobs in the region and has future goals of expanding by attracting companies focused on R&D of innovative technologies. The presented argument seems strong as it presents Helios as an example of an ideal city that new corporations could look up to but, while doing so it misses certain points which could strengthen the entire argument.
Firstly, The argument does not take factors like population density into consideration while comparing the unemployment rate. Population density is the number of people living per square unit of area. The more the population density, the more will be the chance that someone is unemployed. For example, if there are 2 out of 10 people unemployed it means 20% population is unemployed while keeping the numerator the same if 2 out of 100 people are unemployed it means only 2% of people are unemployed. Such relative factors should be considered to present the complete case.
Secondly, The argument generalizes all the corporations together which isn't correct. As the argument states that Helios is a major manufacturing jobs provider it can be inferred that people living there and in the nearby cities know manufacturing and the facilities in the city support manufacturing industries. Which won't meet the requirements of some other industry like software companies and they will end up blindly following the sheep. Hence the argument should mention that corporations of which industries can benefit from the model of Helios.
The overall argument construction is strong and quite convincing but adding the points mentioned above would add more factual grounds to the entire argument and strengthen it.
28 Feb 2021, 14:50
Kudos
Bookmarks
I think your essays are pretty good! You can probably stop practicing AWA as much though if you are taking full CATs then sure is a good idea to keep doing AWA's.Score: 5.5 out of 6
I have run your essay thorugh the GMATAWA grader.
Coherence and connectivity: 3.5/5
This rating corresponds to the flow of idea and expression from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analysed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.
Paragraph structure and formation: 5/5
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs is evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.
Vocabulary and word expression: 5/5
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocaubulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word-usage. Simple is the best form of suave!
I have run your essay thorugh the GMATAWA grader.
Coherence and connectivity: 3.5/5
This rating corresponds to the flow of idea and expression from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analysed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.
Paragraph structure and formation: 5/5
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs is evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.
Vocabulary and word expression: 5/5
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocaubulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word-usage. Simple is the best form of suave!
01 Mar 2021, 07:15
Kudos
Bookmarks
bb
Such a good review and that too coming from you made my day! Since I am not a native speaker and I need some improvement on the spellings and punctuations side of things. I'll continue practising just to keep the pace up.
Thanks for helping and hope to see more from you.
Thanks,
Foxter
