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Toefl essay, could you rate it? My exam will be next week!

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Intern
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Joined: 11 Jun 2014
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Toefl essay, could you rate it? My exam will be next week!  [#permalink]

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New post 12 Jun 2014, 06:08
Could you correct my essay? Please give me suggestions and rate it from 0 to 5 points. I need to figure out my score in the real exam.

Pets should be treated like family members. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Pets have always been essential in our society. Cats and dogs are the most common pets but there are birds, tortoises and fishes as well. Some people think that pets should be treated like family members. However, others argue that they are just animals and aren't able to think like us. The issue is controversial but in my opinion, pets should be treated like human beings for different reasons.

First, pets are our friends as well as certain human beings are. Similarly to friends, indeed, they are always with us and they are there if we feel alone. We can talk to them because they listen to us, more than some people will ever do. To illustrate this point, I can write about my own experience. When I was 14 years old, my uncle passed away and I felt like everything was no longer important. Talking to my friends was frustrating because none of them have ever felt that way. Since I was all alone at home for a long time, my dog was near me and it seemed to me that only him could understand my deeply feelings. Clearly, although pets aren't able to speak with us, we can nonetheless count on them.

Secondly, pets are useful for a variety of things. For example, nowadays the pet therapy is becoming more popular than before. Researchers have discovered that pets can bring benefits in a huge amount of illnesses. There are dogs who lead blind people around the city and therefore without them they could not go around all alone. In addition, pets are important for depressed people as well because their presence make them feel better. Moreover, there are dogs who are educated in order to find out criminals or to use their sense of smell to find drugs.

To sum up, I am strongly convinced that pets deserve to be treated like family members because of all the reasons mentioned above, namely they are our friends and they can be useful in many situations.
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Re: Toefl essay, could you rate it? My exam will be next week!  [#permalink]

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New post 16 Jun 2014, 11:01
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Your essay seems to be fitting enough to get a score about 5. The ideas development and the proper coherent way of conveying the ideas are plausible.

However, there are some grammatical errors which could be avoided. You have used long sentences in introduction as well as in the first paragraph. In second paragraph, the use of huge amount of illness is awkward and not recommended. The use of pets for depressed people as well as is also incorrect. You are comparing odd objects.

Remember, just by using a template, you are not guaranteed a high score. In this essay, though the style and organization of the ideas seems pretty perfect, it has innate problem in using the language properly.

Hence in real time TOEFL, you might score a below perfect 6 or even 4.5. You could add one more idea to be pretty sure of the high score. I personally feel, two ideas wont be good enough for this opinion based essay. It's our chance to expand our horizons of thinking and let the raters know we can think creatively in our line of reasoning.

All the best in your real TOEFL exam!!! :)
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Re: Toefl essay, could you rate it? My exam will be next week!  [#permalink]

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New post 16 Jun 2014, 12:56
Thank you very much, your suggestions are very precious. I have not much time to improve my writing skills.. my exam will be on 20th June. However, I am going to try to focus on what you have said.. hoping that it will be enough to get a score about 4.
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Re: Toefl essay, could you rate it? My exam will be next week!   [#permalink] 16 Jun 2014, 12:56
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