I have been preparing for the GMAT for quite some time now, but i'm new to the AWA section.
I request the experts to kindly assess my essay:
Question:
The following paragraph recently appeared in an editorial printed in the opinion section of a local newspaper:
"The recent surge in violence in the southern part of the city is a result of a shortage of police officers and an absence of leadership on the part of the city council. In order to rectify the burgeoning growth of crime that threatens the community, the city council must address this issue seriously. Instead of spending time on peripheral issues such as education quality, community vitality, and job opportunity, the city council must realize that the crime issue is serious and double the police force, even if this action requires budget cuts from other city programs."
My answer:
"The argument concludes that the recent surge in violence in the southern part of the city is a result of a shortage of police officers and an absence of leadership on the part of the city council. The argument is based on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Hence, the argument is weak and has several flaws.
First, the argument readily assumes that the reason for the surge in violence is the shortage of police and absence of leadership on the part of the city council. This statement is a stretch and is not substantiated in any way. Moreover, the argument does not take into consideration the various other possible reasons for the surge in violence. For instance, the surge in violence could be due to a conflict between two groups fighting for their own causes or due to anger among the general public over a new policy by the government which negatively affects the local population. The argument could have been much clearer if the author cited examples which proved that the shortage of police officers is the reason for the surge in violence in the southern part of the city.
Second, the argument claims that the city council must realize that the crime issue is serious and requires more attention than issues such as education quality, community vitality, and job opportunity. This again, is an unconvincing argument. The argument suggests budget cuts from other city programs without providing any reasons for the same. If the argument provided a thorough analysis of all the "peripheral issues" it mentions along with a comparison with the crime issue, the argument would have been a lot more convincing.
In conclusion, the argument is flawed because of the above mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. The argument could be considerably strengthened if the author stated all the relevant facts. To assess a certain situation, it is important to have full knowledge of all contributing factors. In this particular case, the statistics of surge in violence over a certain period of time, the particular reason and evidence for the given reason for each crime and reasons for suggesting budget cuts from other city programs are vital. Without this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate."
Kindly help.
Thanks in advance