Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new busine

Question

I did my first Essay to the topic presented in Manhattan GMAT Strategy Guide 1.

"The country of Tarquinia has a much higher rate of traffic accidents per person than its neighbors, and in the vast majority of cases one or more drivers is found to be at fault in the courts. Therefore, Tarquinia should abolish driver-side seatbelts, airbags, and other safety measures that protect the driver, while new cars should be installed with a spike on the steering column pointed at the driver's heart. These measures will eliminate traffic accidents in Tarquinia by motivating drivers to drive safely."

Essay

The author of the essay proposes to remove safety measures that protect the driver in cars and install a spike on the steering column in new cars in order to reduce traffic accidents. The point is flawed, in that the argument makes numerous unwarranted assumptions and illogical assertions.

First of all, the proposition of removing safety measures and installing dangerous spikes will increase the number of fatal accidents in which people die. As it is not stated in the argument w(h)ether those accidents are just causing little damages at the cars or result in death, the proposed measures will definitly increase the amount of fatal accidents.
Moreover the argument seems to lack in evaluating unforeseen consequences. Since in all new cars there has to be a spike installed and in all old cars the safety equipment has to be removed, it is not realistic that the industry and furthermore the people are willing to take this effort.
In any event the argument states that the proposed actions will eliminate traffic accidents. This conclusion takes a logical leap as the correlation between the changes in the car might not correlate to the causes of all traffic accidents. Unexpected actions can still cause the driver to have a crash. Hence the proposed actions will not eliminate all the traffic accidents.

In conclusion the argument fails to consider major issues undermining the proposed action to lead to the wished result. In fact it might worsen the situation due to an increase in fatal accidents or might have no impact at all. An other possible opportunity to reduce traffic accidents on Tarquinia’s streets it might help to evaluate the reasons why people are found (missing: guilty) at fault in the courts.

Show SpoilerWord Readability evaluation

Words 285
Sentences 13
Words/Sentence 21.9
Flesch Reading Ease: 46.8
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level: 12.0

I finished reading, planning and writing after approximately 23 minutes, though the question was presented a few times before I was asked to work on it.
Could someone score my Essay and give me a few points to improve?
Italic written parts of the text are already detected as faults.

Thank you in advance! :-D

bharatdivvela · Answer

4-4.5

if it is ur first essay, yes u did a great job.

the paragraphs are a bit shorter than required.
 you have to elaborate(more) the points raised.

PriyankGaur · Answer

My stab at the same topic; please let me know the areas of improvements. Thanks.

In his argument, the author states that since the country of Tarquinia has a much higher rate of traffic accidents as compared to its neighbors and the drivers are at fault in majority of cases, Tarquinia should abolish driver-side seatbelts, airbags and any other safety measures, while the new cars should be installed with a spike on the steering column pointed at driver’s heart. The author believes that such measures will eliminate traffic accidents. Both, the conclusion and the author’s line of reasoning are extreme. Stated in this way, the argument manipulates the facts and presents a distorted picture. Also, the author fails to provide evidence for key questions that could help make his argument more convincing.

First of all, the author mentions the higher rate of traffic accidents in Tarquinia as compared to its neighbors and immediately jumps to the conclusion that Tarquinia should abolish driver side seatbelts, airbags and any other protective measures, while installing the new cars with spike on steering column pointed at driver’s heart. Author’s line of reasoning is unsubstantiated as there is no evidence in the argument that the lower rates of traffic accidents in the neighboring countries is due to the measures proposed by the author. The lower accident rates in the neighboring countries can be due to multiple other reasons such as stricter traffic rules, stricter adherence to traffic rules etc.

Secondly, the assumption that replacing the safety measures on the driver’s side with a spike pointed at driver’s heart would help eliminate the accidents is far-fetched. The author does not lend any support to his claim that such a step would lead to a reduction in the rate of accidents. The installation of spikes can in fact increase the rate of accidents as now the driver would be more concerned about the spike pointed at his heart than other vehicles or pedestrians on the road. Moreover, a sudden movement like coughing or sneezing can be fatal for the drivers.

Thirdly, the author claims that the proposed steps would help eliminate the traffic accidents in Tarquinia by motivating the drivers to drive safely. Again, the author makes a claim that is a bit of a stretch. The proposed steps may or may not lead to a decrease in the number of traffic accidents but there is no evidence to believe that the accidents would be eliminated. As reasoned earlier, while motivating the drivers to drive safely, the proposed introduction of spikes introduces new challenges, such as driver’s concern about own his safety and sudden movements like coughing and sneezing that are not in driver’s control, which the author has failed to address in his argument.

In conclusion, the author has made a claim for which he fails to provide enough evidence. He has made some far-fetched assumptions for which the line of reasoning is not very strong. The argument could be made more air tight if the author addresses the questions that have been posed to the argument in the earlier passages. The author has left too much to speculation, which makes his argument vulnerable and open to debate.

deeeuce · Answer

Can someone score my essay and help me with feedback to improve further? This is my second essay.  GMATNinja   chineseburned  would really appreciate your inputs.

The following appeared as part of an annual report sent to stockholders by Olympic Foods, a processor of frozen foods: “Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in 1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its 25th birthday, we can expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits.” Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.

The argument claims that Olympic foods, based on the principle that with long experience makes organization efficient, with 25 years of experience will be able to minimize costs and maximize profits. Stated in this way the argument fails to mention several key factors, on the basis of which it could be evaluated. The conclusion relies on assumptions, for which there are no clear evidence. Therefore, the argument is rather weak, unconvincing and has several flaws.

First the argument readily assumes that just as a color film processing company achieved efficiency, the food processing company would also gain similar efficiency. This statement is a stretch and not substantiated in any way. The author parallels two companies in different industry to run on a similar principle without regarding for the dynamics that the two different companies operate in. The argument would have been much clearer if it explicitly gave examples of what specifically makes it more likely for the food processing company to achieve efficiency similar to that of film processing. Without that, the statement is a mere example of unconvincing analogy.

Second, the argument bases its claim on a principle which is too generalized. The mention of this principle is too vague as it has no basis for generalization. If the author had supplemented relevant evidence on how many organization’s experience the principle has been based upon, there could be some credibility. Further it doesn’t take into account that organization could actually increase cost if things went wrong and learnings not documented. The author could have strengthened the argument by providing further details on how a company can get efficient with learning in general, and how this principle applies to food processing company as well.

Finally, the argument concludes that based on the efficiency principle the cost would go down and make the company profitable. This statement again is an example of sweeping assumption. Though its generally accepted that reduced cost is one of the drivers of profitability, there are several other factors that impacts profitability equally. For example, If the competitive and consumer pressure forces the company to reduce its prices, the profitability will certainly decline because of lower margin despite efficiency. Without any evidence on how the company would manage to keep check on other drivers of profitability, the reader is left with an impression that the conclusion is merely a broad jump off from the available evidence.

In summary the argument is flawed and therefore unconvincing for the above mentioned reasons. It could be considerably strengthened if the author clearly mentioned all the relevant facts mentioned above. In order to assess the merits of a certain situation/conclusion, it is essential to have full knowledge of all contributing factors. In this specific case the argument lacked evidence on several grounds. Without this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.

deepanshu10 · Answer

Can someone please rate my essay? This is my first essay.  chineseburned   GMATNinja  would really like your input.

“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies."

The argument states that the city of Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies and it also mentions that Helios is the industrial center of the region with a lower unemployment rate in comparison with the regional average. Hence, it concludes that Corporations and companies which are seeking new business opportunities or a new location should look to the city of Helios for investment. Stated in this way the argument fails to mention key factors on the basis of which it can be evaluated. The conclusion relies on assumptions for which there is no evidence or support provided. Therefore, the argument is weak, unconvincing, and has several flaws.

First, the argument mentions that Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies. But it fails to provide any supporting argument with this claim. It does not mention the specific steps taken by the city of Helios for attracting companies. The argument would be more convincing if it provides a few examples of the companies that are already working in the sector of research and development in the city. The statement could mention some steps that have been taken to attract the companies. For example, it could mention that the governing body of Helios has already given relaxation in the tax rates for the companies working in the sector of research and development of innovative technologies.

Second, the argument claims that Helios has a lower unemployment rate than the regional average. This reasoning actually undermines the conclusion given. It clearly mentions that the people of Helios are employed in various jobs. If a new organization plans to come to Helios for setting up its manufacturing plant, it would be very difficult for the company to find local workers to work for the company. The corporation instead would like to select a city where it can find workers easily and at a lower rate. The lower employment rate of Helios indicates higher competition for the corporations.

Finally, the statement also mentions that the city is an industrial center of the region and has historically provided more share in the manufacturing sector. But it fails to specifically mention the type of companies that have invested in the region. It also fails to mention the reason why the city has been an industrial center. If the argument mention reason such as good road connectivity, maintenance of the city infrastructure, it would be much more convincing for the corporation and new businesses.

In conclusion, the argument given is weak, unconvincing for the companies to come and invest in the city Helios. However, the argument can be improved if it provides examples proving its stated claims and provides historical data to the corporations. In order to assess the merits of the situation, it is essential to have full knowledge of all contributing factors.

Sajjad1994 · Answer

Welcome to GMAT Club!

AWA Score: 5.5 out of 6

I have used a GMAT AWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.

Coherence and connectivity: 5/5  
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.

Paragraph structure and formation: 4.5/5   
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.

Vocabulary and word expression: 3/5  
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!

Good Luck

deepika257 · Answer

Please rate my essay as well.

The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine devoted to regional life:
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in
the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of
the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios
is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of
innovative technologies.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.

------------------
MY RESPONSE
------------------

In the given argument, author concludes that Helios is a paradise for all the corporations that want to setup new offices or are looking for new business opportunities. To support his conclusion, he provides factors like Helio's low unemployment rate, city's significance in terms of providing manufacturing jobs and being an industrial center and city's economic expansion to attract more research and development companies in future. Although, initially these factors seem to be adding up to author's conclusion but when analyzed carefully, author's conclusion has 2 major flaws.

First, a city with already low unemployment rate would not be able to offer skilled people to work in newly setup companies. Also, city that is already industrially saturated would have very high cost of living and hence, not many people from outside the city would want to move to Helios. Commuting to city like Helios that is an industrial hub, might also not be an easy task because of heavy traffic. Additionally, author states that Helios is planning to provide economic support to companies that do R&D on innovative technologies. So, it is possible that city might eventually cut the funds/ change the policies favoring other kinds of industries. In that case, it will be risky for companies, other than those focused on R&D & innovation, to setup a base in Helios and it would be better to wait for the final economic decision of city's authorities.

In conclusion, the argument lacks statistics around current population of the city, cost of living, land availability for industrial as well as residential purposes, economic policies for different types of industries etc. These factors play very important role in making a city attractive for companies as well as for employees and hence, a much stronger argument can be made by analyzing these factors.

Sajjad1994 · Answer

AWA Score: 5.5 out of 6

Coherence and connectivity: 4/5 
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.

Paragraph structure and formation: 5/5  
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.

Vocabulary and word expression: 5/5 
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!

Good Luck

Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new busine

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