Hi all. Since this is my first essay and I am not an English native speaker, I would really appreciate if you could help me assessing my text.
Thanks a lot.
The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine devoted to regional life:
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in
the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of
the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios
is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of
innovative technologies.”The article supports a conclusion that Helios is a promising city regarding new business opportunities and new locations. However, it employs some arguments that can be easily weakened, since some of the premises and assumptions lack consistent data and evidences.
First of all, it considers that the unemployment rate of the city assures the success of a new business because it is lower than the regional average. Nonetheless, this data itself does not help defining the chances of a new business to succeed, once the regional unemployment average is not known. If the region possesses overall a very high unemployment average rate, even if Helios has the lowest rate in the region, it does not mean new business opportunities will arise, because many people will still be unemployed.
Second, it attests that Helios is the industrial center of the region and, historically it has provided a large number of manufacturing jobs. Beyond the fact that comparing to the region again is not a valid argument, the author considers that being the industrial center of a region will grant to the city great business opportunities. The level of industrialization of a city is sure one of the reasons that account for the creation of business opportunities, but certainly is not the only one. The author forgets to evaluate if the city provided also opportunities in services, agriculture, or other branches of business that would help a city to be prosper as a new location for corporations. Further, even if Helios has provided many manufacturing jobs, it is not sufficient to ensure that a new business in other fields will triumph. If a new corporation arrives in the city and opens a new restaurant chain, for example, it can be the case that many Helios´ locals will not be prepared to work as waiters or chefs, which invalidates the argument.
It also forgets to analyze if Helios´ population is willing to consume the products and services produced in the city. The author would have to consider if the region has a potential to sell products and services to Helios residents or export products for other regions.
Because the article considers some arguments that do not support the conclusion in a solid way, it cannot be considered sound and persuasive. The comparisons made by the author and the consideration as the industry as the sole cause of new business opportunities make the argument improper. If the author included the items discussed above, the argument would be certainly stronger and the text overall more convincing.