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07 Aug 2021, 07:10
Kudos
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Hello, i have written an essay on the following prompt. This is the first time i've written an AWA prompt, so honest feedback would be highly appreciated. Please be blunt and let me know where i can make improvement.
Prompt: “Laboratory studies show that Saluda Natural Spring Water contains several of the minerals necessary for good health and that it is completely free of bacteria. Residents of Saluda, the small town where the water is bottled, are hospitalized less frequently than the national average. Even though Saluda Natural Spring Water may seem expensive, drinking it instead of tap water is a wise investment in good health.”
My Essay: The argument above is flawed in many ways, and uses the claims it makes as evidence of those claims being true. There are such instances where the argument also assumes two things to be the cause of the same effect, and thus is logically flawed.
The argument states that "Saluda water" is completely bacteria free, but provides no evidence to solidify this. At the same time, it completely overlooks the fact that some bacteria may be good for the body, which may be attainable only through water. If otherwise, the passage provides no evidence to refute this. Further. the passage states that "Residents of Saluda, where the water is bottled, are hospitalized less frequently than the national average." This proves nothing about Saluda water, other than the fact that the residents of the place where the water is bottled are very healthy. If the passage provided evidence to show that the residents of the town drink Saluda more than any other form of water, then this statement would have provided strong evidence in favour of Saluda.
Moving on, the article states that "drinking it (saluda) instead of tap water is a wise investment in good health", to justify to its readers the water's high price. However, in doing so, it ignores the possibility that the tap water in some areas may be even more beneficial than Saluda's bottled water, or that it may be similarly priced as Saluda. Overall, if the passage provided concrete evidence proving that drinking Saluda Water is good for one's health, then this would've been a better argument than the one provided.
This is exactly how i wrote it, within the time constraint of half an hour.
Prompt: “Laboratory studies show that Saluda Natural Spring Water contains several of the minerals necessary for good health and that it is completely free of bacteria. Residents of Saluda, the small town where the water is bottled, are hospitalized less frequently than the national average. Even though Saluda Natural Spring Water may seem expensive, drinking it instead of tap water is a wise investment in good health.”
My Essay: The argument above is flawed in many ways, and uses the claims it makes as evidence of those claims being true. There are such instances where the argument also assumes two things to be the cause of the same effect, and thus is logically flawed.
The argument states that "Saluda water" is completely bacteria free, but provides no evidence to solidify this. At the same time, it completely overlooks the fact that some bacteria may be good for the body, which may be attainable only through water. If otherwise, the passage provides no evidence to refute this. Further. the passage states that "Residents of Saluda, where the water is bottled, are hospitalized less frequently than the national average." This proves nothing about Saluda water, other than the fact that the residents of the place where the water is bottled are very healthy. If the passage provided evidence to show that the residents of the town drink Saluda more than any other form of water, then this statement would have provided strong evidence in favour of Saluda.
Moving on, the article states that "drinking it (saluda) instead of tap water is a wise investment in good health", to justify to its readers the water's high price. However, in doing so, it ignores the possibility that the tap water in some areas may be even more beneficial than Saluda's bottled water, or that it may be similarly priced as Saluda. Overall, if the passage provided concrete evidence proving that drinking Saluda Water is good for one's health, then this would've been a better argument than the one provided.
This is exactly how i wrote it, within the time constraint of half an hour.
07 Aug 2021, 10:39
Kudos
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Welcome to GMAT Club!
AWA Score: 5 out of 6!
I have used a GMATAWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.
Coherence and connectivity: 4.5/5
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.
Paragraph structure and formation: 3.5/5
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.
Vocabulary and word expression: 4.5/5
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!
I have used a GMATAWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.
Coherence and connectivity: 4.5/5
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.
Paragraph structure and formation: 3.5/5
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.
Vocabulary and word expression: 4.5/5
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!
The length of the essay is short, you should have written more in the stipulated time of 30 minutes.
For AWA guide: https://gmatclub.com/forum/how-to-get-6 ... 64327.html
Also, follow the AWA forum rules while posting.
Read the rules here: https://gmatclub.com/forum/awa-forum-ru ... 64141.html
Good Luck
Achints
05 Oct 2023, 22:08
Kudos
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Thank you so much. Keep it up.
