@slywork
Your first post is kind of funny and i found it a true satire.
I have few suggestions for you and many of us who fear GMAT VERBAL , but before- take a deep breathe and relax:-
(i) Don't get disheartened,many of us like you are non-natives but fighting hard to score better, but it takes time- have patience, you have to invest quality time before you get your dream figure on real test.
(ii)Tone up your basics :-
(a) download a copy of Gmat club grammar book and start reading 6 passages from wall street journal,Wired,NatGeo,The Economist etc EVERYDAY-
Magoosh recommends this. (news paper editorial simply doesn't work).
(b)choose an appropriate course for you e-gmat,as u have mentioned, is a wonderful resource for non-natives -start with a new zeal and you will see the difference.
(iii) Keep limited resources of books 1000 RCs,SCs are no more representing the real GMAT tests.Buy the
Manhattan GMAT strategy books for SC,RC and CR they are more like text books and cover extensively on all the topics.Powerscore CR,
Aristotle SC Grail, are among few fantastic resources.Give a fresh start with kaplan verbal workbook and move gradually.
(iv) STAY ACTIVE ON GMAT CLUB - ENGAGE YOURSELF HERE -Gmat club will help you a lot in many ways , just join , follow the good guys(you can find few good verbal power-packed guys below- who are moderating this forum

) and instructors of gmat prep companies-there inputs are "invaluable".Post your answers , join forums and see how others are replying , seek help from others and earn kudos as many as you can.
Read bb's forums for self prep,retaking,best books reviews and many such forums , you will get an insight.
Never leave Official guides but don't catch them early else you will end up wasting the best GMAT resource.First,fine tune yourself with the basics.OGs are genuine in their design and help us get the feel of the real test and in the end -
NEVER GIVE UP !!!