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Can anyone rate my TOEFL essay?

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Can anyone rate my TOEFL essay? [#permalink]

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New post 14 Dec 2016, 05:26
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Hello everyone! I've been practicing timed essay writing and here are two essays I've produced. I would be grateful if someone could evaluate grammar, style and give me some general feedback.
What score could I possibly get?

#ESSAY 1
Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? There is nothing that young people can teach older people. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.

MY ESSAY:

This is generally agreed that the longer we live, the more knowledge, experience and wisdom we accumulate. But is it possible that, as the time passes and we gain more and more experiences, we may be simultaneously loosing something else? Or, is it possible that the things we already know cause that we disregard any new information that does not fit into our previous model of the world? And, thus, is there anything that young people can teach older people? I am going to evaluate this issue in this essay.
To start with, I would like to refer to the fact that when we are young, we are, quite naturally, more eager to learn, whereas, as we grow older, our cognitive skills, as well as willingness to learn new things, decreases. Indeed, many people of elder age stick to mental patterns that they've learned when they were young, which causes that their mental representation of the world becomes less relevant in the context of rapidly changing reality. This is where another advantage of young people is, the typical example of which being a young boy or girl trying to explain to his or her grandparents how a smartphone works. However, it should be added that older people can reciprocate and share some wonderful stories about the past, which could be a great value for modern youngsters, who, quite sadly, can barely imagine how world without permanents access to the Internet or social media could possibly look like.
Another significant point is that, as many studies in cognitive psychology show, our previous learning experience can greatly influence the way we learn new things. That observation explains why young people are actually better at what is called "thinking outside of the box". This ability is of a great value in modern times and, combined with vast knowledge that older people may have, can yield incredible results. That is why, in my opinion, companies should include both younger and older people into project teams.
In conclusion, I would like to say that whereas it is definitely true that young people can teach old people many valuable things, it is also important to remember, that elder people, who are often greatly underestimated in the modern competitive world, also have some valuable knowledge to share. I think that most people will agree that it is mutually beneficial for old and young people to share knowledge and treat each other with respect.

#ESSAY 2
Some young children spend a great amount of their time practicing sports. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

MY ESSAY:
We all know that in modern times, sport is widely promoted and considered to be an important part of our lives, which causes that some parents want their children to spend a great amount of time practicing sports. This situation, undoubtedly, has both its positive and negative aspects, which I am going to discuss in this essay.
Most people would probably agree that sports should be promoted as an inherent part of healthy lifestyle. Indeed, there is no doubt that it is greatly beneficial for children to practice sports since their earliest years. Being exposed to reasonable amount of physical activity contributes to better physical and mental development of a child. Moreover, multiple studies show that those people who are exposed to physical activity since their earliest years, are less likely to develop many dangerous diseases, such as obesity, which has lately become a serious problem.

We also should remember, that all the habits and behavioral patterns that we learn in childhood greatly determine our lifestyle in later years. Moreover, this is a part of human nature to like things that are familiar to us since childhood. Therefore, practicing sports in our earliest years shapes our healthy habits for later life.

However, it is worth to keep in mind that practicing sports is good as long we don't go to extremes. Firstly, we should avoid situations in which children are put under pressure or are exposed to strict competition, which can definitely negatively affect a developing personality of a child. Secondly, under no circumstances, should young children be exposed to extreme sports. Multiple stories, that we all know from the media, give us examples of how excessive pressure can be detrimental for children. And, finally, it is definitely worth mentioning that individual approach is crucial, thus, both intensity and a specific sport discipline should be individually tailored for every child, and such characteristics as gender or personal preferences should be taken into account.
Specifically, the best course of action would be to develop such conditions, in which all the children would be provided with access to diverse, well-equipped sport facilities.
In conclusion, I would like to say that as long as practicing sports among young children should definitely be encouraged, it is crucial that careful supervision of both parents and teachers is provided.

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New post 27 Dec 2016, 23:01
Nice and excellent post also

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New post 23 Jan 2017, 11:30
The essays are well written.
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Re: Can anyone rate my TOEFL essay? [#permalink]

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New post 06 Mar 2017, 20:13
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Re: Can anyone rate my TOEFL essay? [#permalink]

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New post 06 Mar 2017, 21:06
I think both essays are really good. However, the second one is a bit too short.
I'd aim for 400 words or more in TOEFL task2 essay.

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New post 01 Jul 2017, 20:06
Nice!

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Re: Can anyone rate my TOEFL essay? [#permalink]

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New post 08 Jul 2017, 13:03
both the essays are well written but i think you can write some more
also pay attention to structure of the essay.
try to write 3 to 5 paragraphs to elaborate your ideas properly

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Can anyone rate my TOEFL essay? [#permalink]

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New post 07 Nov 2017, 14:17
Nice both articles! :-)

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Can anyone rate my TOEFL essay?   [#permalink] 07 Nov 2017, 14:17
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