Thanks a lot for your kind response.
It's an encouraging one for moving ahead with my AWA practice.
daagh wrote:
Length 457 words.
The candidate's response:-
The success of the above paragraph is doubtful considering the logical flaws and faulty assumptions on which it is based. The paragraph discusses about the variation in costs of processing as the 1organisations gain experience in due course of time.
Organisations – please use American spelling
Firstly, there is an assumption that the costs of processing go down over time as 2organisations ( same issue as above)learn how to do better. As a matter of fact, the costs of processing 3depends on the prices of the required chemicals and raw materials. For example, film processing require petrol/gasoline, and the cost of petrol/gasoline on its availability which in turn depends on a variety of geographical, political and supply chain-related factors. So, along with the efficiency of the 4organisation, the costs of processing depends on the raw material as well.
Secondly, the example given in the paragraph tells us that the cost of 3-by-5 inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for a one-day service in 1984. However, I should say that the example is not able to explain the premise of the paragraph as required. In 1970, the cost of a 3-by-5 inch print is mentioned as 50 cents, in 1984, it equals to 100 cents for the same 3-by-5 print.
Thirdly, the costs of processing does not only depend on the efficiency of the5 organisation as mentioned but also in the staff costs involved in the systems of the6 organisation. Even though, the material costs of the raw materials for processing decrease, that may not be the case if more staff are recruited by the7 organisation, wages of the staff increase above that particular year's Consumer Price Index (CPI) and/or Wholesale Price Index (WPI). Hence, the organisations should focus on moderating the staff costs along with the target of being efficient.
8And, even though, the costs of processing decrease they may increase by the time it reaches the end-customer as the inventory costs depend on the variation in demand. The Olympic Foods is a food processing 9organisation which can expect the standard demand or an increase in demand over the course of time, which cannot be the case with the film processing industry.
8Avoid starting a sentence with a conjunction
Considering the above four serious flaws observed in the paragraph given, it can be clearly understood that the costs of the processing of the print3 depend, not only on the efficiency of the 10. organisation but also on the external factors like raw material etc. 11. And, the price comparison given in the paragraph seems inappropriate across years 1970 and 1984. The inflation is not considered in the costs of the product. Further, Apples cannot be compared 12. with Oranges, similarly, the food processing industry cannot be compared to the industry which process print
1245678910 --- The word organization has been misspelled 10 times. This is just a small mistake but worth noting for future guidance. Please write in American spelling
3Depends is SV error; make it as depend
11. Avoid starting a sentence with a conjunction
12. This is a run-on sentence
Review and Rating
1.Construction – Ok
2.Length 457 words --- Ok.
3.Flow --- ok.
4. Proofreading – okay;
5. Paragraphing--- okay;
6. Opening---ok but could be better with some relevant exciting questions such as “ is the company run by financial experts?
7. Closing --- ok but could be more striking or creative such as – I think the member is rather day-dreaming rather than wanting to face facts
Include some old sayings like proverbs or quotes. – ‘Change is permanent’ said Einstein and no less are our perceptions and experiences – An old tribal saying
Content:
8. Rhetoric: Perhaps you could have given some data, study reports, anecdotes or examples. They are the hallmarks of a strong argument.
9. Grammar --- Though very few, they are basic too. That is a problem. Be aware of American spellings. Otherwise, it is ok.
10. Flow --- easy and smooth.
11. Style – fairly good
12. Rating – 5. with one or two good statistics, it could easily go up. But keep an eye on timing.
13. The final word -- Make the argument persuasive. Once in awhile give a little pat to the opponent.