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Someonelse
16 May 2017, 05:07
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My GMAT exam is on Thursday and to exercise the AWA I try to write one essay per day!
I am trying to improve my writing and I would appreciate your feedback very much!
I wrote this essay in the second GMAT Prep test. The essay is very long, but contains many mistakes unfortunately.
The argument states that because of the wide selection of cheeses at Hearth's Delight, a store for primarily healthy food, the general public is less worried about eating red meat or fatty cheeses than it was a decade ago. Another indication for this development is the success of some restaurant owners, for example the owners of a vegetarian café live modestly while the owners of a steak restaurants are very affluent.
At first glance, this argument may seem somewhat convincing, though further examination reveals lack of evidence, ill-founded assumptions and poor reasoning. For instance, there may be other reasons why Heart's Delight changed its product assortment. Furthermore, the lifestyle of the restaurant owners does not serve as a conclusive evidence. And finally, the success of global restaurant chain would be a better example than two restaurants. Thus, the argument is rather weak, dubious and unconvincing.
First, the argument relies on the assumption that because the grocery store Heart's Delight, which was founded since the 1960's and sold heathly organic fruits and vegetables and whole-grain flours at the time, has a wide variety of cheese with high amounts of fat. On the one hand it is reasonable to belive that a store stocks up on those goods that sell well. On the other hand the assumption that this indicates a trend that people care less about consuming unhealthy foods is far-fetched. There are multiple other plausible reasons for this change. It is quite possible that in the 1960's less foreign cheeses from France or Switzerland, which tend be high in fat, were available than are today. Additionally, there is no information on other changes in the product portfolio. Maybe the store also sells a wider of variety of fruits from foreign countries or more fruits that are of season than before. Moreover, the argument does not show when the store increased its stock of cheese. Clearly, it is far-fetched to conclude a changing trend in the livestyle of most people. To make the argument more convincing, the author must provide more evidence for his conclusion.
Second, the argument assumes that the livestyle of the restaurant owners indicates how concerned people are about their food consumption. While this is a tempting assumption, its truth is by no means obvious. Take as an example the owners of the Good Earth Café. The argument takes their modest livestyle as evidence that people are not interested in a vegetarian restaurant. However, the restaurant may be very successful, while the owners simpley choose to not spend a lot of money. Or it also possible, that the owners spend in ways that are not very visible, such as taking vacation to far away locations. Consequently, the author fails to make a convincing case for his conclusion. The argument could have been much clearer if it explicitly stated how the revenue of the restaurants was affected by the liyfestyle change of many people.
Finally, the argument never adresses why the success of two restaurants is indicative that people care less about eating fatty foods. For instance, the global restaurant chain McDonald's is in decline. Though successful just one decade ago, it needs to start closing stores that are not profitable anymore because people care more about their health and want to eat less fast food. It is unclear, why the author chose to small local restaurants as his example. The argument could be considerably strengthened if it provided more information on national or global restaurant chain, which can be a better indicator for general trends.
In conclusion, the argument is not completely well-reasoned as it stands. In order to better evaluate the argument, the author needs to explain why he believes that the product assortment of one store and the success of two restaurants means that people are less concerned about eating unhealthy food.
I am trying to improve my writing and I would appreciate your feedback very much!
I wrote this essay in the second GMAT Prep test. The essay is very long, but contains many mistakes unfortunately.
The argument states that because of the wide selection of cheeses at Hearth's Delight, a store for primarily healthy food, the general public is less worried about eating red meat or fatty cheeses than it was a decade ago. Another indication for this development is the success of some restaurant owners, for example the owners of a vegetarian café live modestly while the owners of a steak restaurants are very affluent.
At first glance, this argument may seem somewhat convincing, though further examination reveals lack of evidence, ill-founded assumptions and poor reasoning. For instance, there may be other reasons why Heart's Delight changed its product assortment. Furthermore, the lifestyle of the restaurant owners does not serve as a conclusive evidence. And finally, the success of global restaurant chain would be a better example than two restaurants. Thus, the argument is rather weak, dubious and unconvincing.
First, the argument relies on the assumption that because the grocery store Heart's Delight, which was founded since the 1960's and sold heathly organic fruits and vegetables and whole-grain flours at the time, has a wide variety of cheese with high amounts of fat. On the one hand it is reasonable to belive that a store stocks up on those goods that sell well. On the other hand the assumption that this indicates a trend that people care less about consuming unhealthy foods is far-fetched. There are multiple other plausible reasons for this change. It is quite possible that in the 1960's less foreign cheeses from France or Switzerland, which tend be high in fat, were available than are today. Additionally, there is no information on other changes in the product portfolio. Maybe the store also sells a wider of variety of fruits from foreign countries or more fruits that are of season than before. Moreover, the argument does not show when the store increased its stock of cheese. Clearly, it is far-fetched to conclude a changing trend in the livestyle of most people. To make the argument more convincing, the author must provide more evidence for his conclusion.
Second, the argument assumes that the livestyle of the restaurant owners indicates how concerned people are about their food consumption. While this is a tempting assumption, its truth is by no means obvious. Take as an example the owners of the Good Earth Café. The argument takes their modest livestyle as evidence that people are not interested in a vegetarian restaurant. However, the restaurant may be very successful, while the owners simpley choose to not spend a lot of money. Or it also possible, that the owners spend in ways that are not very visible, such as taking vacation to far away locations. Consequently, the author fails to make a convincing case for his conclusion. The argument could have been much clearer if it explicitly stated how the revenue of the restaurants was affected by the liyfestyle change of many people.
Finally, the argument never adresses why the success of two restaurants is indicative that people care less about eating fatty foods. For instance, the global restaurant chain McDonald's is in decline. Though successful just one decade ago, it needs to start closing stores that are not profitable anymore because people care more about their health and want to eat less fast food. It is unclear, why the author chose to small local restaurants as his example. The argument could be considerably strengthened if it provided more information on national or global restaurant chain, which can be a better indicator for general trends.
In conclusion, the argument is not completely well-reasoned as it stands. In order to better evaluate the argument, the author needs to explain why he believes that the product assortment of one store and the success of two restaurants means that people are less concerned about eating unhealthy food.
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