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Hi nishith17

I think it is good . In my opinion you should use templates as it leaves good impact on the e-grader . I think your essay is little short . You should try to elucidate more in your essay .Try to ascertain more facts that are pivotal for the argument to base the conclusion upon . Some facts are always missing . It should be well thought , well articulated , assertive . For that you ought to be pretty good at understanding the premise of the argument and what conclusion it has , you have identified & covered some of the assumptions , raised questionable flaws but they are not sufficient and you should come up with more of them . In summary You must use the better templates , which makes the essay look more comprehensible, and elaborate more to leave good impression on the e-grader . All the best !

Although I am not a a very high scorer in GMAT hence I'm not qualified to give GMAT advice , but I took the GMAT twice and got a 4.5 & 5.0 essay score respectively , In hope you will find my essay templates/advice useful , I wish to share templates which I used very often and which I still remember very vividly , they were advised by my GMAT instructor . You should try them next time and note the response . In anticipation that you shall get better grade .

Paragraph 1: "Introduction"

As advised , I always start by saying, "In the preceding statement, the author claims that (paraphrase of the author's argument)."

This shows that I understand the author's argument. I continue with my disagreement (and, becauseit has been often said, ALWAYS! disagree with the author's reasoning, and I pretty much always used the same statement, like:

“Though his claim may well have merit, the author presents a poorly reasoned argument, based on several questionable premises and assumptions, and based solely on the evidence the author offers, we cannot accept his argument as valid. “

I can use that statement for pretty much any and every argument essay I encounter. I also use "we" but I try to avoid using "I". ( Take that as you wish! )

Paragraph 2: "Attacks the premise of the author's argument"

For me, paragraph 2 always attacks the premise of the author's argument. I usually write down a premise and then I attack the lack of evidence that the author bases his premise on.

I usually begin with same statement all the the time :

"The primary issue with the author's reasoning lies in his unsubstantiated premises".

I like "primary" and "secondary" as transitional tools because they are more complex than "first" and "second". Throughout the first paragraph, I show flaws in the author's premises by pointing out his lack of evidentiary support (they pretty much always lack evidentiary support!!!) . I generally end with something like:

"The author's premises, the basis for his argument, lack any legitimate evidentiary support and render his conclusion unacceptable."

Paragraph 3: "Attack the assumptions"

In the third paragraph, I always attack the assumptions

I usually begin with :

"In addition, the author makes several assumptions that remain unproven. "

My assumption paragraph ends with something like:

"The author weakens his argument by making assumptions and failing to provide explication of the links between X and Y he assumes exists. "

Paragraph 4: How I can strengthen the argument

Paragraph 4 is where I talk about how the author could strengthen his argument

I usually begin this paragraph with something like:

"While the author does have several key issues in his argument's premises and assumptions, that is not to say that the entire argument is without base."

Then I provide some concrete ways the author could strengthen his argument. The easiest way to do this is to give examples of what kind of evidence the author could provide, and discuss how he can fill the holes in his assumptions.

I generally end with something like:

"Though there are several issues with the author's reasoning at present, with research and clarification, he could improve his argument significantly. "

Paragraph 5 : Conclusion Para

As advised , This is my conclusion paragraph. I pretty much always conclude with the same sentence:

In sum, the author's illogical argument is based on unsupported premises and unsubstantiated assumptions that render his conclusion invalid.

As advised , I usually use "in sum" because it's considered better stylistically than "in conclusion" but signals to the e-grader that you're at your conclusion.
I usually add a couple sentences in between and then I end with:

"If the author truly hopes to change his readers' minds on the issue, he would have to largely restructure his argument, fix the flaws in his logic, I hope you find it useful . "

If possible try these templates and see what score you get . And do work on finding assumptions and raising questionable flaws .

Do let me know what score you get when you use them ( if you use! )

Regards