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please evaluate my toefl essay

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Intern
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Joined: 12 Jul 2018
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please evaluate my toefl essay  [#permalink]

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New post 12 Jul 2018, 23:41
Some people suggest that it is wrong to give money to beggars asking for money on the street, while others think that it is the right thing to do. Which point of view do you think is correct, and why?

There is a great debate about whether or not it is okay to give money to the beggars. Some might think that for humanity we should donate money to the helpless. But personally, I believe that one should not give money to people who does nothing and just beg, particularly if they are not physically disabled or too much old to work. This is because when the society thinks it is okay to beg and people should be sympathetical towards the beggars, people tend to become lazy and try to get money without any work. Also, there are many illegal buisness which exists because begging exists. I will try to demostrate my points in these following paragraphs.

First of all, when people have a option that they can get money without hard work, they will exploit this option. I live in Bangladesh and my country is very sympathetical towards the beggars. For this reason, I often time see tons of beggars who are perfectly capable to work but choose not to do any jobs and do begging just because it is an easy way to make money. Furthermore, many people fake that they have some kind of disability so that they can gain sympathy from the general people. Even there was a Sherlock Homles story based on this situation. In that story, a journalist saw that by being a reporter he is making less money than being a begger and because of this reason he started to beg. That journalist weared makeup to look vulnerable. This story actually represents many real events which take place in my country. This is why the society should never encourage begging because people will think this is an easy and quick way to earn money.

Secondly, in my country, it is very common that children get kidnapped by criminals and they blinds these kids in order to make them beg. This is an extremely serious issue which exists because of the popularity of begging. In Bangladesh, people tend to have a soft spot for the beggars because of religious issues and these criminals do not hesitate for a moment to take advantage of this situation. If begging did not exist, these kind of illegal buisness would not have taken place.

Finally, one faces social pressure and they had to give the beggars money, otherwise all the people around of them will think that he is a bad person. In our country, people often think that you are an emotionless robot if you do not want to give money to the beggars. Often times the beggars will use religion in order to gain money from people and this creates even more pressure as the surrounding people will think one will go to the hell if they do not give money to the beggars. These kinds of social pressure makes a person to do things which they would normally won't do.

To sum up, even though the disabled and the old, vulnerable people can beg, but all the strong and capable person must have a job in order to make mo
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Re: please evaluate my toefl essay  [#permalink]

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New post 19 Jul 2018, 08:59
Hi archihowlader,

Your essay is nice, especially intro and first paragraphs. I think you've spent too much time for these pagraphs though. As a result, the ideas in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs are not well developed. It might be a good idea to combine 2nd and 3rd paras. Also, you have to give more details in the conclusion. Check out hte instrcutional video by NoteFull here:
https://gmatclub.com/forum/toefl-instru ... 46203.html

Also, you have re-read your essay in the end to correct all the typos. For example you wrote:
buisness
demostrate
a option

This is because TOEFL uses e-rater that deducts points for typos.

Hope this helps!

Good luck!
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Re: please evaluate my toefl essay &nbs [#permalink] 19 Jul 2018, 08:59
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