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Please grade and critize the following AWA essay

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Joined: 24 Apr 2017
Posts: 4
Please grade and critize the following AWA essay  [#permalink]

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New post 30 Apr 2017, 21:10
The following appeared in a magazine article on trends and lifestyles:
“In general, people are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses. Walk into the Heart’s Delight, a store that started selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole-grain flours in the 1960’s, and you will also find a wide selection of cheeses made with high butterfat content. Next door, the owners of the Good Earth Café, an old vegetarian restaurant, are still making a modest living, but the owners of the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires.”

The proposed argument, together with their respective conclusions and asumptions, is clearly flawed.

One of the mayor flaws detected along the topic is the use of at least 3 ambigous comparisons, which suggests a weakening in the argumet and probes to de drawing poor conclusions. First, it states that people are not as concered about intakes of fatty cheeses and red meat, but laks a clear measurment of what the term “as concerned” is refering to. Instead of using this term, a numerical base of comparison, such as quantitative data, like polls in a specific place or region, would indeed have enforced the argument, giving more clarity to the lectors.
Also, it throughout the passage, it compares 3 different buisnesess, a vegetarian restarurant, anogranic fruits and vegetables store and another business, to reinforce the conclusion. Nevertheless, the passage does not give the details about the business model of House of Beef, so either it could be a store or a restaurant, making weaking the argument´s conclusion. Instead, by giving the lectors any clue about the House of Beef business model, it would set a more relying basis to compare the 3 of them.

Finally, the writer assumes that the variety of fatty cheeses found at the Heart´s Delight is due to aweakening sense of fatty cheeses intake regulation. Nevertheless, the writer does not give further information about the widening variety of cheeses nor wether it has increase or decreasd and what has caused such behavior over time, making the assumption ambiguous. It should reveal more information about the cheeses behavior over time and sufficient information about what is causing such behavior, which can be attributed to other causes.

The topic lacks of consistency, mainly in the assumptions and its conclusions, giving no information to the reader about wether there is a lack of cocern in red meat and fatty cheeses intake regulation.
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Joined: 12 Oct 2015
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Location: Canada
Concentration: Leadership, Accounting
GMAT 1: 700 Q47 V39
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Re: Please grade and critize the following AWA essay  [#permalink]

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New post 02 May 2017, 10:36
Sorry to say but makes very little sense. You have to write very clear sentences so the reader can understand your point. Also this passage has nothing to do with comparison. You should be focusing on the strength of the argument.

The problem with the argument is that the author assumes several things --> 1) Based on amount of wealth the owners possesses he concludes that the wealth is derived from their business. We can't assume that. 2) he assumes that these restaurants are their sole source of revenue (perhaps the meat resto owners have other stores or restos on the side...)

He then equates wealth of owners to the popularity of meat consumption. How is he concluding that people don't care about food intake? Because of money? Very silly argument. The author needs to look into real data and research about meat vs healthy food consumption. Plus he's looking at a very small data set (his own town). Its very possible his town is a rare exception in the whole country......

Hope this helps. Kudos if it helps and feel free to ask more questions.

Winners dont make excuses.

350--> 700

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Re: Please grade and critize the following AWA essay &nbs [#permalink] 02 May 2017, 10:36
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Please grade and critize the following AWA essay

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