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Asawa7
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GMAT 1: 750 Q49 V42
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Hi Asawa7

I'd like to help you but please bear with me as I'll be somehow tough.

General comment: Please completely delete feelings word such as: love, like, want,..etc.

1- You still commit same problem as mentioned by bb.

Quote:
1. Why have you decided to join the MSc in finance?

Because I want to enter a financial world and work in a financial services company. The reason for this is I've always wanted to work in this industry since when I'm still studying in a university and also have experiences in investments such as FX and derivatives. So I decided to gain an insight knowledge and know-how in finance from a respected university that has good environments and good people willing to share their wisdom, perspectives, and experiences with me.


1- You did not give them the reason why you decided to study finance.
2- It is very weak to mention 'great environments' and 'good people'.

Tip: The question mainly asks you to give short and long term goals. Be specific.

Quote:
2. What may differentiate you from the other candidates? What added value can you bring to the school?

What makes me unique is I'm an optimistic person that ready to help people and eager to learn new things, furthermore, I always see the best and in a positive way in almost any situation thanks to my personal experiences. Beyond that, some places in my heart really want to make the world a better place.
I love volunteering because I love people and also willing to contribute in any kind of activity that benefits society.

Very weak reason. You should mention about the experiences you get. What you have learnt. Any internships that shaped your desire and will benefit the class.

Quote:
3. Describe your latest or most important achievements.

Entrepreneur
When I was a sophomore my professor had given a project assignment to start a business plus a competition among groups, each with 10 members but only my group has only 2 members due to a lot of students had retired from a class. Anyway, I've accepted the challenges and look for some fun, I've had purposed an ideas and a plans to make it work with the other member and asked a friend of mine's from a different major for the project. We'd opened a donut shop, my job is to find a place to buy a good quality donut, control a ledger and profit-loss statement I also operate a donut shop and manage team members while the others selling the products and do marketing. Everything goes according to my plan and in the end, my group had won first place in the competition.

The story is ok but the writing style needs to be modified lot. Omit the colloquial words.

Quote:
4. Do you follow financial, economic or business news on a regular basis? If yes, via what sources? What news item has particularly attracted your attention recently?

Yes, I do follow financial, economic and business news every day when I have free time via newspapers, on the internet such as CNBC, WSJ, Yahoo, Bloomberg, and Reuters, sometimes by a financial and business magazines.
I've recently read news related to an Artificial Intelligence and the title of the article is "IBM Artificial Intelligence can predict with 95% accuracy which workers are about to quit their jobs" which explains how and why an AI can help to improve a skills of an employees and reduce cost of a company with an AI, which shows me that it can benefits a human life in so many ways.

It is seems good but needs to be refined in its language.

Quote:
5.If you were to invest a certain amount of money in the nearest future, what sector/company would you give priority to?

I would give my priority in the Technology sector, The reason is that I love technology and always studying about this industry. So I have understand this sector or companies in this industry better than any other sector. Thus I love to invest in a company that related to technology as firms that have better technologies or products that people love and need, It will outperform and dominate the industries in the long run.

Again very weak reasons. Be Be specific.. Give exmaple like Amazon or other industry in Fintech and reasons related to them. It shows how you understand the industry.

I hope it helps.
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Asawa7
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Thanks you very much for your help, I will edit my answer.

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Hey Asawa7,

I am looking forward to your edited answer. In case you are still working on it, here are a few suggestions from my end:

1. Why have you decided to join MSc in Finance?

"Because I want to enter a financial world and work in a financial services company. The reason for this is I've always wanted to work in this industry since when I'm still studying in a university and also have experiences in investments such as FX and derivatives"
This one is very vague - You need to give B-Schools a VERY STRONG REASON to select you FROM 5000 OTHER APPLICANTS competing for your spot.
What is your strong reason? An incident or a person who motivated you to get into the industry? Maybe you can pick points from question no. 3 where you have mentioned about your sophomore year project. Again the description was pretty vague over there as well, you would really need to dig deeper into into to come up with strong data points.

2.What may differentiate you from the other candidates? What added value can you bring to the school?

I am sorry to be a little harsh here - but none of the mentioned qualities are a good reason to select you from the other candidates. Being optimistic and learning oriented are default qualities which every other applicant claims to have in abundance.
Think about how you can contribute to the school - You have mentioned entrepreneurship experience. Maybe you can try to showcase how you see your self as an social entrepreneur driving change in the country in the next 5 years. Again, this is just an example - Use it as a line of thought to come up with strong differentiators for yourself.

3.Describe your latest or most important achievements.

By rule of thumb, whenever you are talking about achievements, always back it up with tangible results that can be quantified.
Eg: Impacted 2000 children while working with XYZ NGO


4. Do you follow financial, economic or business news on a regular basis? If yes, via what sources? What news item has particularly attracted your attention recently?

Again, this is too general and does not quite capture the attention of the reader. Your answer should be as insightful as an international research paper - It does not need to be that lengthy or comprehensive, but the answer needs to reflect that you have indepth knowledge about the subject and have concrete thoughts on how the news will affect the future of the industry.

5.If you were to invest a certain amount of money in the nearest future, what sector/company would you give priority to?

Technology is a huge sector - Mention which particular domain do you want to invest in ( Eg: AI, IoT,etc). It is also a good idea to mentioned the amount of investment you think would make a difference and give a brief overview of how you would use the money. This would showcase that you really have thought this through and have a concrete opinion about it.

To sum it up, where you are lacking is coming up with strong data backed reasons for your answers and connecting the dots to showcase a cohesive story.
Here are a couple of resources that will help you with the above points-
Use this brain-storming sheet to dig deep into your profile and come up with strong reasons for the essay questions : https://www.mim-essay.com/brainstorming-sheet-download

and in case you need help in creating a strong essay for top MFin schools, check out this link: https://www.mim-essay.com/masters-finan ... y-editing/

Hope this helped, good luck!