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ashsim
Joined: 09 Nov 2013
Last visit: 26 Mar 2016
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Schools: INSEAD Jan '15 (M)
24 Apr 2014, 04:45
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Hi,
This is my first attempt at AWA; I know it could be better but would like some guidance on how to improve.
Thanks!
Prompt: The following appears as part of a business plan recommended by the new manager of a musical rock group called Zapped.
"To succeed financially, Zapped needs greater name recognition. It should therefore diversify its commercial
enterprises. The rock group Zonked plays the same type of music that Zapped plays, but it is much better known than
Zapped because, in addition to its concert tours and four albums, Zonked has a series of posters, a line of clothing
and accessories, and a contract with a major advertising agency to endorse a number of different products.”
The author recommends that Zapped diversify its commercial enterprises in order to achieve greater name recognition based on the premise that name recognition is necessary for financial success. The author presents as evidence that a rock band, Zonked, that plays similar music as Zapped is much better known because of it diverse commercial enterprises including a series of posters, a line of clothing and accessories, and a contract with a major advertising agency for product endorsement. The evidence provided in support of the author's recommendation is minimal and does not logically support the recommendation as described below.
Firstly, the author claims that for financial success, Zapped needs better name recognition. The author fails to provide any analysis of Zapped's current situation and other potential ways that could lead to financial success. For example, perhaps the musicians in the rock group are simply not as good as the ones in Zonked. In this case increasing name recognition would not improve financial success; it would in fact harm the band's success. To determine whether or not increasing name recognition would help financial success, is in necessary to brainstorm reasons why the band is currently not making as much money as it would like.
Next, the author provides as evidence that Zonked is better known than Zapped because of its commercial enterprises. The author fails to provide any evidence or correlation of its many commercial enterprises to any sort of financial success. It is necessary to investigate whether or not Zonked's commercial endeavors are profitable at all. Moreover, it is important to question whether Zonked is directly comparable to Zapped. For instance, how long has Zonked been playing compared to Zapped? A longer presence could possibly mean better recognition of Zonked, and therefore a better base to launch commercial merchandise. On the other hand, launching commercial merchandise might prove to be useless for Zapped if not many people know about them.
In summary, the claim that Zapped needs to improve name recognition to gain financial success is unjustified and needs further investigation. A thorough analysis of the current situation is necessary.
This is my first attempt at AWA; I know it could be better but would like some guidance on how to improve.
Thanks!
Prompt: The following appears as part of a business plan recommended by the new manager of a musical rock group called Zapped.
"To succeed financially, Zapped needs greater name recognition. It should therefore diversify its commercial
enterprises. The rock group Zonked plays the same type of music that Zapped plays, but it is much better known than
Zapped because, in addition to its concert tours and four albums, Zonked has a series of posters, a line of clothing
and accessories, and a contract with a major advertising agency to endorse a number of different products.”
The author recommends that Zapped diversify its commercial enterprises in order to achieve greater name recognition based on the premise that name recognition is necessary for financial success. The author presents as evidence that a rock band, Zonked, that plays similar music as Zapped is much better known because of it diverse commercial enterprises including a series of posters, a line of clothing and accessories, and a contract with a major advertising agency for product endorsement. The evidence provided in support of the author's recommendation is minimal and does not logically support the recommendation as described below.
Firstly, the author claims that for financial success, Zapped needs better name recognition. The author fails to provide any analysis of Zapped's current situation and other potential ways that could lead to financial success. For example, perhaps the musicians in the rock group are simply not as good as the ones in Zonked. In this case increasing name recognition would not improve financial success; it would in fact harm the band's success. To determine whether or not increasing name recognition would help financial success, is in necessary to brainstorm reasons why the band is currently not making as much money as it would like.
Next, the author provides as evidence that Zonked is better known than Zapped because of its commercial enterprises. The author fails to provide any evidence or correlation of its many commercial enterprises to any sort of financial success. It is necessary to investigate whether or not Zonked's commercial endeavors are profitable at all. Moreover, it is important to question whether Zonked is directly comparable to Zapped. For instance, how long has Zonked been playing compared to Zapped? A longer presence could possibly mean better recognition of Zonked, and therefore a better base to launch commercial merchandise. On the other hand, launching commercial merchandise might prove to be useless for Zapped if not many people know about them.
In summary, the claim that Zapped needs to improve name recognition to gain financial success is unjustified and needs further investigation. A thorough analysis of the current situation is necessary.
25 Apr 2014, 07:34
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I would rate 3. Still, good first effort. A few specific notes below, but I think more of the focus needs to be on analysing/criticising the argument. Much of your word count is describing the argument, raising rhetorical questions, and making a few assertions that were not really backed up.
For example, perhaps the musicians in the rock group are simply not as good as the ones in Zonked
'not as good as' possibly something better you could write there? not as talented, for example.
Next, the author provides as evidence that Zonked is better known than Zapped because of its commercial enterprises.
- provides 'something' as evidence that 'something'
- what does the author provide as evidence that Zonked is better known than Zapped because of its commercial enterprises?
I feel the topic sentences need to earn their keep a bit more.
The author fails to provide any analysis of Zapped's current situation and other potential ways that could lead to financial success. - why should the author need to provide other ways - they have provided a way, and your job is to criticise that way (diverse commercial enterprises)
There is a cause/effect issue with the argument that I think you have alluded to - does the name recognition lead to success, or does success lead to name recognition - the business plan confuses cause and effect, but I feel you could benefit most by stating this flaw more explicitly.
is in necessary to brainstorm reasons why the band is currently not making as much money as it would like. - I would refrain from suggesting a brainstorm, SWOT analysis or a 'thorough analysis' such as in your conclusion. Your job here is to tell us why the argument needs further investigation/analysis. Moreover, how would a brainstorm help this?
For example, perhaps the musicians in the rock group are simply not as good as the ones in Zonked
'not as good as' possibly something better you could write there? not as talented, for example.
Next, the author provides as evidence that Zonked is better known than Zapped because of its commercial enterprises.
- provides 'something' as evidence that 'something'
- what does the author provide as evidence that Zonked is better known than Zapped because of its commercial enterprises?
I feel the topic sentences need to earn their keep a bit more.
The author fails to provide any analysis of Zapped's current situation and other potential ways that could lead to financial success. - why should the author need to provide other ways - they have provided a way, and your job is to criticise that way (diverse commercial enterprises)
There is a cause/effect issue with the argument that I think you have alluded to - does the name recognition lead to success, or does success lead to name recognition - the business plan confuses cause and effect, but I feel you could benefit most by stating this flaw more explicitly.
is in necessary to brainstorm reasons why the band is currently not making as much money as it would like. - I would refrain from suggesting a brainstorm, SWOT analysis or a 'thorough analysis' such as in your conclusion. Your job here is to tell us why the argument needs further investigation/analysis. Moreover, how would a brainstorm help this?
ashsim
Joined: 09 Nov 2013
Last visit: 26 Mar 2016
Posts: 9
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Given Kudos: 17
Schools: INSEAD Jan '15 (M)
25 Apr 2014, 10:14
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Thanks for the detailed analysis! Will write another one keeping your feedback in mind:)
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