Please review my AWA

Question

Q. Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.

The argument covers most of the aspect that a parent looks for before sending his kid to the summer camp. Parents are majorly concerned about the safety of the kid and about the food they'll eat, both of which are assured to be the best in the summer camp at Federville Farms. The second thing the parents are concerned about are the things his kid will learn at the camp. Summer camp in Federville Farms offers variety of outdoor activities for the kids to learn. The argument, however, fails to address certain things that are important for child's learning and giving him / her the best camp experience.

Firstly, the argument does not talk about the trainers or the teachers at the camp. Simply having variety of outdoor activities will not help a child, unless he is trained well in them. Secondly, not all child prefer outdoor activities, some of the kids prefer playing indoor games (like solving Sudoku, word problems etc.) which are crucial for the development of a kid. The argument doesn’t talk about the indoor activities offered at summer camp in Federville. Thirdly, the argument fails to talk about the rules and regulations followed at the camp - whether the kids are taught basic manners and discipline or not, whether all activities are included in their schedule or not etc. Such things are equally important in providing the best experience to the kid.

Thus, though the argument talks about the facilities offered to the kid at Summer Camp at Federville farms, it fails to address how well those facilities are utilised in a day to day life of a kid at the camp. It also, fails to talk about the learning each kid will receive at the camp and how well will he be groomed. Thus, it's not only what the camp offers matters but also the individual training that a kid receives is important.

AkshayKS21 · Answer

Firstly let me be clear, I am not an expert, nor am I high 700s scorer, but did receive a 5 on AWA on my first attempt. Here are some of my thoughts: Good. generally people attack the reasoning or facts used in the argument. But you used your own creativity to attack the argument using new information. That is commendable. At the same time, I see this paragraph is short, and could be easily extended if you attack the reasoning in the argument. (For example Simply being a family operated for 40 years doesn't ensure safety. Moreover, camp employs more lifeguards than any other camp, why is the need for this? Were there any past accidents that forced them to employ more lifeguards? We should have at least 4 paragraphs. This will help if you haven't gone through this before: https://gmatclub.com/forum/how-to-get-6-0-awa-my-guide-64327.html I used this chineburned approach. Studied for AWA just 3 days prior to my GMAT and wallah, a 5! Some of your mistakes: - Be consistent in your essay. If using children, then you can use child. Don't play with words other than that. Kid is informal. - SC will help here. Recheck the written essay for Subject Verb error. If you say Parent (which you should never), you can't use plural "they". If you use Kid (singular) you can't use plural "they'll eat" - avoid gerunds and -ing forms of verbs. Use direct verbs in simple tense instead. - Don't repeat connecting words. (don't confuse this point with the first). If you have used "Thus" once, use other words like "Hence", "Therefore", "So" etc. Please go through above link of for AWA. It is ultimate guide to ensure at least a 5. I will rate yours 3 or 3.5 stating grammar, lack of explanations, and use of language as few reasons. Take this positively! I am ready to hear back from you. Tried, Hope I helped! P.S. : Ignore any typos above, first time posted this long! EDIT: Here is similar essay. https://gmatclub.com/forum/awa-feedback-244318.html you might want to have a look.

sanskriti20 · Answer

Hi

Thanks a tonne for your help - I've just started practicing AWAs - will definitely work on the points mentioned and go through the links to improvise.

cbcb · Answer

Hi your essay is too short & poorly argued. Expand more on your thoughts & make your weak points simple & brief to understand. I would also say you have put all your points in one paragraph which is not a good practice. If you want more detailed review do let me know. I would rate your essay only 2.

sanskriti20 · Answer

Hi

I agree the essay is too short - but I couldn't come up with a lot of points to criticize the argument. It would be great if you could help me analyse on how should I argued on such a topic and how I should go about a topic where I'm unable to think of more than 2 points but need a specific length of answer

AkshayKS21 · Answer

My 2 cents:

Don't try to support the passage ever. Passage is almost always flawed.
Don't try to bring in new information-not always new information could be true.
With practise and reading few more passages, you'll get to the core of AWA-attacking AWA.

Attack the linkages and few words which cast doubt. Read with mindset that "I have to prove this author wrong". To prove the author wrong, we would have to prove whatever he/she as written is based on wrong factual manipulation.
For example this will be my though process when I read a argument:

See what I did? Concentrate on few words and linkages. Identify the conclusion an link every sentence with conclusion.
Here conclusion is 
Coming first and second in some parameters doesn't make the camp the best right?

Hope I helped!

sanskriti20 · Answer

Yes - this helped a lot!

Could you recommend any site that would help explain pattern of writing?

AkshayKS21 · Answer

Read the sample replies from document here:  https://gmatclub.com/forum/awa-compilations-109-analysis-of-argument-essays-86274.html 
You'll get the pattern.
I honestly didn't try to search anything for AWA. The chineseburned approach and above sample essays helped me. That's it. So can't recommend anything.

varunjoshi31 · Answer

Can someone review my AWA on same topic  AkshayKS21

The argument claims that Federville Farms can provide the best summer camp experience for children.The argument tries to back its claim
by providing supporting data such as a survey result, the fact that Federville Farms is family owned and hires more Red Cross certified Life guards then any other company.
Stated this way, the argument lacks several key factors on the basis of which it could be evaluated. The conclusion of this arugment relies on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence.
Hence, the argument is weak and has several flaws.

First, the argument uses data from a recent survey to highlight its high ranking in overall camper satisfaction, food quality and variety of outdoor activities.
However, nowhere does it mention about the source of the survey and how authentic it is. Its imperative to determine how genuine the survey is before any parent decides to send his/her kid
to the camp. There have been several instances in the past where companies have selectively highlighted only those survey's where they have a good ranking.

Second, the argument stresses on the point that Federville Farms is family owned and is in business since last 40 years. While its comforting for a parent to know that camp has been 
in business for last 4 decades,it is essential to evaluate its performance over the years. Data such as testimonials of parents who sent their kids to Federville Farms and overall
ranking of the farm by a renowed industry expert would certainly strenghten this point. 
The argument also highlights that it employs more Redcross certified life guards than any other camp in the state. While this is certainly a strong point, we also need to know the ratio of
lifeguard to student to make sure this will comfort the parents. There could possibly be a situation where Fedeville employs more life guards but is poor in overall lifeguard per student ratio.

Finally, its important to define specific parameters which are important to evaluate a good camping experience. 
There could be several other factors besides food quality, outdoor activity and safety which constitute an experience. Once we narrow down on specific parameters, its important to 
have industry data to review how Federville Farms perform against competition.

To conclude, the argument is flawed for the above mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing.It could be considerably strengthened if the author clearly mentioned all relevant facts.

AkshayKS21 · Answer

Let me be clear guys, I am not an expert. I'm just someone who scored a 5 in first GMAT I took (and a 5 in first GRE I took in 2015!) Whatever I've mentioned is clearly my opinion, just read the comment positively, and take in what you need to improve! You have written a good AW. There are some minor flaws which can be corrected. Use your SC knowledge here to form the sentences. (Repeating pronouns should refer to single noun, avoid -ing if direct verbs can be used, being clear and avoiding passive voice if possible, etc ). Spell check your passage in the main exam. Double check everything before hitting that submit button! I see you have used the chineseburned approach. I recommend reading the sample replies too. I will rate this a 4.5 or a 5, I find some diction and syntactical errors. Cheers!

P.S. : Didn't re-read this. Ignore the typos.

Please review my AWA

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