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sanskriti20
Joined: 28 Jun 2017
Last visit: 04 Mar 2019
Posts: 7
Schools: ISB '20 (A)
GMAT 1: 720 Q50 V36
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09 Jul 2017, 07:50
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Q. Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.
The argument covers most of the aspect that a parent looks for before sending his kid to the summer camp. Parents are majorly concerned about the safety of the kid and about the food they'll eat, both of which are assured to be the best in the summer camp at Federville Farms. The second thing the parents are concerned about are the things his kid will learn at the camp. Summer camp in Federville Farms offers variety of outdoor activities for the kids to learn. The argument, however, fails to address certain things that are important for child's learning and giving him / her the best camp experience.
Firstly, the argument does not talk about the trainers or the teachers at the camp. Simply having variety of outdoor activities will not help a child, unless he is trained well in them. Secondly, not all child prefer outdoor activities, some of the kids prefer playing indoor games (like solving Sudoku, word problems etc.) which are crucial for the development of a kid. The argument doesn’t talk about the indoor activities offered at summer camp in Federville. Thirdly, the argument fails to talk about the rules and regulations followed at the camp - whether the kids are taught basic manners and discipline or not, whether all activities are included in their schedule or not etc. Such things are equally important in providing the best experience to the kid.
Thus, though the argument talks about the facilities offered to the kid at Summer Camp at Federville farms, it fails to address how well those facilities are utilised in a day to day life of a kid at the camp. It also, fails to talk about the learning each kid will receive at the camp and how well will he be groomed. Thus, it's not only what the camp offers matters but also the individual training that a kid receives is important.
The argument covers most of the aspect that a parent looks for before sending his kid to the summer camp. Parents are majorly concerned about the safety of the kid and about the food they'll eat, both of which are assured to be the best in the summer camp at Federville Farms. The second thing the parents are concerned about are the things his kid will learn at the camp. Summer camp in Federville Farms offers variety of outdoor activities for the kids to learn. The argument, however, fails to address certain things that are important for child's learning and giving him / her the best camp experience.
Firstly, the argument does not talk about the trainers or the teachers at the camp. Simply having variety of outdoor activities will not help a child, unless he is trained well in them. Secondly, not all child prefer outdoor activities, some of the kids prefer playing indoor games (like solving Sudoku, word problems etc.) which are crucial for the development of a kid. The argument doesn’t talk about the indoor activities offered at summer camp in Federville. Thirdly, the argument fails to talk about the rules and regulations followed at the camp - whether the kids are taught basic manners and discipline or not, whether all activities are included in their schedule or not etc. Such things are equally important in providing the best experience to the kid.
Thus, though the argument talks about the facilities offered to the kid at Summer Camp at Federville farms, it fails to address how well those facilities are utilised in a day to day life of a kid at the camp. It also, fails to talk about the learning each kid will receive at the camp and how well will he be groomed. Thus, it's not only what the camp offers matters but also the individual training that a kid receives is important.
15 Jul 2017, 23:33
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sanskriti20
Q. Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.
The argument covers most of the aspects thata parents looks for before sending his before they send their kid children to the summer camp. Parents are majorly concerned about the safety of the kidchildren and about the food they'll eat, both of which are assured to be the best in the summer camp at Federville Farms. The second thing the parents are concerned about are the things his kid will learn at the camp. Summer camp in Federville Farms offers variety of outdoor activities for the kids to learn. The argument, however, fails to address certain things that are important for child's learning and giving him / her the best camp experience.
Firstly, the argument does not talk about the trainers or the teachers at the camp. Simply having variety of outdoor activities will not help a child, unless he is trained well in them. Secondly, not allchild children prefer outdoor activities, some of the kids prefer playing indoor games (like such as solving Sudoku, word problems etc.) which are crucial for the development of a kid. The argument doesn’t talk doesn't mention about the indoor activities offered at summer camp in Federville. Thirdly, the argument fails to talk about the rules and regulations morals or ethics followed at the camp - whether the kids are taught basic manners and discipline or not, or whether all activities are included in their schedule or not etc. Such These? things are equally important in providing to provide the best experience to the kid.
Thus, though the argument talks about the facilities offered to the kid at Summer Camp at Federville farms, it fails to address how well those facilities are utilised in a day to day life of a kid at the camp. It also, fails to talk about the learning each kid children will receive at the camp and how well will he they be groomed. Thus, it's not [color=#ff0000]onlywhat the camp offers matters but also the individual training that a kid receives is important. [/color]
The argument covers most of the aspects that
Firstly, the argument does not talk about the trainers or the teachers at the camp. Simply having variety of outdoor activities will not help a child, unless he is trained well in them. Secondly, not all
Thus, though the argument talks about the facilities offered to the kid at Summer Camp at Federville farms, it fails to address how well those facilities are utilised in a day to day life of a kid at the camp. It also
Firstly let me be clear, I am not an expert, nor am I high 700s scorer, but did receive a 5 on AWA on my first attempt.
Here are some of my thoughts:
Good. generally people attack the reasoning or facts used in the argument. But you used your own creativity to attack the argument using new information. That is commendable.
At the same time, I see this paragraph is short, and could be easily extended if you attack the reasoning in the argument. (For example Simply being a family operated for 40 years doesn't ensure safety. Moreover, camp employs more lifeguards than any other camp, why is the need for this? Were there any past accidents that forced them to employ more lifeguards?
We should have at least 4 paragraphs. This will help if you haven't gone through this before: https://gmatclub.com/forum/how-to-get-6-0-awa-my-guide-64327.html
I used this chineburned approach. Studied for AWA just 3 days prior to my GMAT and wallah, a 5!
Some of your mistakes:
- - Be consistent in your essay. If using children, then you can use child. Don't play with words other than that. Kid is informal.
- - SC will help here. Recheck the written essay for Subject Verb error. If you say Parent (which you should never), you can't use plural "they". If you use Kid (singular)
you can't use plural "they'll eat"
- - avoid gerunds and -ing forms of verbs. Use direct verbs in simple tense instead.
- - Don't repeat connecting words. (don't confuse this point with the first). If you have used "Thus" once, use other words like "Hence", "Therefore", "So" etc.
Please go through above link of for AWA. It is ultimate guide to ensure at least a 5.
I will rate yours 3 or 3.5 stating grammar, lack of explanations, and use of language as few reasons.
Take this positively! I am ready to hear back from you.
Tried, Hope I helped!
P.S. : Ignore any typos above, first time posted this long!
EDIT: Here is similar essay. https://gmatclub.com/forum/awa-feedback-244318.html you might want to have a look.
sanskriti20
Joined: 28 Jun 2017
Last visit: 04 Mar 2019
Posts: 7
Schools: ISB '20 (A)
GMAT 1: 720 Q50 V36
Products:
17 Jul 2017, 12:06
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Hi
Thanks a tonne for your help - I've just started practicing AWAs - will definitely work on the points mentioned and go through the links to improvise.
Thanks a tonne for your help - I've just started practicing AWAs - will definitely work on the points mentioned and go through the links to improvise.
