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Please review my essay.

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Intern
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Joined: 17 May 2016
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Please review my essay. [#permalink]

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New post 30 Oct 2017, 01:27
Dear members,
I would really appreciate if someone could review my essay. Thank you.

Word count: 482
Time: 30 min.

Question: Your school has enough money to purchase either computers for students or books for the library. Which should your school choose to buy — computers or books? Use specific reasons and examples to support your recommendation.

Answer:
Education is crucial to individual’s financial success. The average income of a person with a college degree is higher than that of a person without a degree. While some people might think that education is not that important, the statistics shows that we should not underestimate the importance of education. Choosing between purchasing computers for students and books for the library, I would probably choose the first option several reasons.

First, one can easily read books online using computers. Amazon, the largest online books seller, provides a huge variety of books required for students. Apart from books, students will have opportunities to listen to online courses and lectures of other teachers. For example, back in 2013 my friend Sam was preparing for his college maths final exam. He used lecture notes and books for studying. However, he simply could not understand certain concepts explained in the notes and books. He decided to search online and found a well-known Khan Academy. He signed up for a 5-day free online course, which helped him to understand the concepts easily. Sam ended up getting excellent grade in maths and medal of honours.

Second, purchasing online books the school makes a contribution to save our planet from cutting more tress. Modern society is moving towards digitizing all the spheres of our lives, including education, financial services, entertainment, etc. This allows to use less paper and hence to cut less trees. By cutting less trees we have a chance to save our planet from the global warming effect. For example, recently Google has launched a new start up that digitizes all the information for corporations. This helps companies save millions of dollars on paper. Modern libraries are digitizing their books in order to provide online access for their clients.

Finally, computers will allow students to learn much more subjects and implement those skills in their future jobs. For example, I have read a story about a poor student from Ghana, whose dream was to study at Stanford university. Unfortunately, he could not afford the tuition fee, which exceeded USD 100,000 per year. He signed up for Stanford’s online program. Now he has two Master’s Degrees and a PHD Degree from Stanford online. Eventually the student received a job offer from one of the top investment banks. I believe that this student is a great example of benefits of computers. Online education does not require you to attend the lectures. Instead, one can study in any part of the world at convenient time.

In summary, the modern world is changing rapidly, and schools should be able to adjust their educational programs accordingly. Though someone might think that books are more important than computers, I am convinced that computers will provide students more benefits. Moreover, there is a high probability that computers will eventually replace paper books in the future. Amazon’s Kindle is a great example of such prediction.

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Re: Please review my essay. [#permalink]

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New post 30 Oct 2017, 01:50
Your essay is good. Try to use more beginning words and phrases like: However, Moreover, Also, Furthermore. Also, it's advisable to use passive voice in essays, for instance: It is known, It is said, It is believed to be etc. Anyway, good luck with your essay writing!

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Location: United States
Schools: AGSM '18
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Re: Please review my essay. [#permalink]

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New post 30 Oct 2017, 02:09
jhonialely wrote:
Your essay is good. Try to use more beginning words and phrases like: However, Moreover, Also, Furthermore. Also, it's advisable to use passive voice in essays, for instance: It is known, It is said, It is believed to be etc. Anyway, good luck with your essay writing!


Thank you for your feedback! Will try to use more beginning phrases :-)

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Re: Please review my essay.   [#permalink] 30 Oct 2017, 02:09
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