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rsh12
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Can someone review my AWA (GMATprep) 12 Apr 2016, 11:48
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Question: In general, people are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses. Walk into the heart's delight, a store that started selling orgainc fruits and vegetables and whole-grain flours in the 1960's and you will also find a wide selection of cheeses made with high butterfat content. Next door, the owners of the Good Earth Cafe, an old vegetarian restaurant, are still making a modest living, but the owners of the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires.

Essay:

In the given argument, the author claims that people are not much concerned about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheese as they were about a decade ago. The claim is stated with citing evidence to a couple of stores and their dynamics. Heart's delight, a store has moved from selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole grain flors to seling high fat cheese. Supporting his/her own claim the author mentions about Good earth Cafe, which is an old vegetarian content. Good earth cafe makes a modest living while the new House of Beef makes millions. The argument is based on a few assumptions. These assumptions should be considered while making such a claim.
First, the argument assumes that if the people are not concerned in regulating intake of red meat and fatty cheeses then their intake has increased. This is similar to the assumption that Good Earth Cafe and the House of Beef both earn their living through red meat and fatty cheese and no other factor contributes to their profits. It would be helpful for the argument to clarify that no other factors contribute to the profits of these to subjects in question.
Secondly, The author does not state any evidence with respect to Good Earth Cafe's or Heart's Delight's profits have increased or decreased in the past. This is an important piece of information because either of the two cafe's have lived through a decade ago where the change in peeople's concern seems to have taken place. If this information is shared with the readers it would be evident that the profits (effect) is due to the concern of the people (cause). If there is evidence supporting such facts, only then can it be concluded that the profits and the concern for eating red meat and cheese are truly connected.
In conclusion, the author fails to provide important bits of information. Without this information it is difficult to come to a conclusion which is the argument's claim that the profits and the concern of people are truly connected. Once this information is provided an educated conclusion can be made considering the evidence
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Can someone review my AWA (GMATprep) 12 Apr 2016, 12:34
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rachitshah
Question: In general, people are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses. Walk into the heart's delight, a store that started selling orgainc fruits and vegetables and whole-grain flours in the 1960's and you will also find a wide selection of cheeses made with high butterfat content. Next door, the owners of the Good Earth Cafe, an old vegetarian restaurant, are still making a modest living, but the owners of the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires.

Essay:

In the given argument, the author claims that people are not much concerned about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheese as they were about a decade ago. The claim is stated with by citing evidence to of a couple of stores and their dynamics. Heart's delight, a store has ,a food store, has moved from selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole grain flors to seling high fat cheese (by ending this sentence as you have is very abrupt. What is this example doing here? I think you would be better to mention a few more words to talk about why is this evidence cited by the author. Supporting his/her own claim, the author mentions about Good earth Cafe, which is an old vegetarian content ??. Good earth cafe makes a modest living while the new House of Beef makes millions (do not use ellipses in AWA, write the complete thing). The argument is based on a few assumptions. These assumptions should be considered while making such a claim. (The ending feels a bit weird. Refer to Chineseburned's AWA template for how to end your paragraphs. You can alternately mention, Stated this way, the argument lacks logical assumptions, leading to a number of unfounded claims.).

First, the argument assumes that if the people are not concerned in regulating intake of red meat and fatty cheeses then their intake has increased, intake of what? You should be clear with what you want to say. This is similar to the assumption that Good Earth Cafe and the House of Beef both earn their living through red meat and fatty cheese and no other factor contributes to their profits. It would be helpful for the argument to clarify that no other factors contribute to the profits of these to subjects in question.

Secondly, The author does not state any evidence with respect to Good Earth Cafe's or Heart's Delight's profits have increased or decreased in the past, subject-verb pairing missing. This is an important piece of information because either of the two cafe's, cafes or retaurants have lived through a decade ago where the change in peeople's concern seems to have taken place, very confusing sentence and lacks standard grammar rules. If this information is shared with the readers it would be evident that the profits (effect) is due to the concern of the people (cause). If there is evidence supporting such facts, only then can it be concluded that the profits and the concernconcerns for eating red meat and cheese are truly connected.

In conclusion, the author fails to provide important bits of information. Without this information it is difficult to come to a conclusion which is the argument's claim that the profits and the concern of people are truly connected. Once this information is provided an educated conclusion can be made considering the evidence
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My comments are :

1. Presentation as well plays a part in AWA. Make sure to give some space between your paragraphs (the way it is shown, it seems to me that there 3 paragraphs, although it is very difficult to see the transition).
2. Try to come up with atleast 3 flaw paragraphs. Your content should be categorized as : Intro --> 1st Flaw ---> 2nd Flaw ---> 3rd Flaw ---> Conclusion (~400 words total).
3. Be careful about typos and unnecessary writing capital letters.
4. Give yourself 2-3 minutes at the end to read what you have written. This will prevent typos and incorrect grammar usage.
5. Your second flaw does not seem relevant that way it is written currently.

I will rate it 3.5 as the AWA lacks good concrete flaws and has a few typos/grammatical errors.

Some of the flaws that you could have played with are:

1. Evidence of range of products sold by Good earth and House of Beef will substantiate the claim that intake of red meat has increased. What if it is because of a better marketing campaign or better location etc.
2. Finding a product at a store \(\neq\) high consumption of that product. It might still be average of typical.
3. People not being 'concerned' might be as more number of people are going to the gyms/working out/exercising frequently so that can still eat a lot of of red meat and stay healthy a the time.
4. There is no evidence that red meats and cheeses sell at a price higher than other foods ---> if this were true then we can believe that places selling red meats will be making more money (not profits per se).

Hope this helps.
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