My first essay

Question

Hey guys,

only a little more than a week left until I have my big day.

Today I wrote my first essay and I would be really happy if someone could help me by rating my essay.

I'm not a native speaker and I aim to score 4.5.

Thanks in advance!

Topic: 
"Company X's latest model of digital camera to be released next month, the TR12, is being promoted as the most portable, user-friendly digital camera available, and also an excellent bargain. It can be expected to live up to these claims, because Company X's previous model, the TR11, was universally lauded as setting the standard in these areas last year."

My essay: 
The author of the given part of an article states that Company X's latest digital camera, the TR12, will be the most portable and user-friendly digital camera available and that it will also be relatively cheap. The main reason the author gives for his conclusion is that the company's previous model did very well in these areas. There are, however, a few errors in the line of reasoning which undermine the argument.

First, the assumption that a product has to be good in certain areas because other products made by the same company did well in those areas is not logical. Just because a company was good at meeting last year's consumer's expectations, that does not mean it is good in meeting the expectations of future customers. The author does not provide information about new features of the TR12 and doesn't compare it to the previous model. That means, that we are neither given any objective factors which we could use to determine the usability or the portability of the TR12, nor are we given a price of the camera and those of competitors.

Second, the passage does not account for the nature of perception. It is not easy to determine whether something is most user-friendly or most portable. While some customers may find the TR12 highly user-friendly, others will probably not. The generalization made by the author is not supported by data. The reader is not informed about the measures that the author used to identify the TR11, the previous model, as leading in the above-mentioned areas. Moreover, an important attribute of perception is that perception changes over time. While the TR11 might have met the needs of many customers, those needs could be totally different today.

Finally, the author does not mention competitors or market conditions in the digital camera market. On the one hand, there could be a lot of competitors, on the other hand the TR11 could have been a one-hit wonder and doesn't really mirror the company's ability to create great cameras.

In conclusion, the argument contains several flaws. One main error is that the arguments lacks hard facts. There is neither information given about the cameras features and about the features of other cameras, nor are there any facts about the needs or wants of the customers. By giving such information, the author could easily strengthen many parts of his argument. A very intuitive way to do that is a survey that identifies the main factors which customers of digital cameras associate with portability and user-friendliness. The results of this survey could be used to check which of the current and future models of digital cameras are capable of meeting those expectations.

jkolachi · Answer

The conclusion is good. i think you can get 4 to 4.5 but just to be safe, practice a bit more. Rephrase parts of your paragraphs and use a bit more academic language. DOn't use informal language and you should be fine. Your reasoning and understand of the argument is good but the writing style requires a bit of work. This should come with a bit of practice.

Best of luck! Kudos if this helps! Thanks

LukasBue · Answer

Thanks a lot for your effort

Today I tried another one. Do you think I did better this time? Topic The following appeared in a medical magazine: "Art and music have long been understood to have therapeutic effects for individuals who suffer from either physical or mental illnesses. However, most doctors rarely recommend to patients some form of art or music therapy. Instead, doctors focus almost all of their attention on costly drug treatments and invasive procedures that carry serious risks and side-effects. By focusing on these expensive procedures rather than low-cost treatments such as art and music therapy, doctors are doing a disservice to their patients and contributing to the rising cost of health care in the United States." Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound. My Essay The given argument states that doctors are doing a disservice to their patients and contributing to increasing costs of health care in the United states because because they focus on expensive drug treatments and invasive procedures instead of art or music therapy. This conclusion is based on the premise that Art and music are said to have therapeutic effects on people who suffer from physical or metal illnesses. While this might in fact be true, some of the underlying assumptions need to be questioned and additional evidence is needed to support the claim. First, the author argues that music and art have been understood to have therapeutic effects. That does not mean that art and music really have those effects, but that people believe that this is the case. The author fails to provide evidence to support this claim. Moreover, even if music and art have positive effects on people who suffer from some kind of illness, these therapeutic methods will not necessarily work for everyone. Most of the costly drug treatments, however, are proven to work on many individuals and may, therefore, be the preferred method of many doctors. Second, the author assumes that music and art treatments are cheaper than drug treatments and invasive procedures. Not only does he fail to support this thesis with evidence but also does he not mention hidden costs. Examples for these hidden costs include additional expenses that occur, if art and music therapies do not work, and increasing expenses of drug treatments caused by the fact that the drug company sells fewer drugs and wants to remain profitable. Third, the arguments doesn't account for the patient, one of the most important factors in medicine. The patient is the one who needs the treatment and has to live with its consequences. For many patients alternative treatments, such as music or art, might seem too experimental and they might, therefore, prefer drug treatments. The author doesn't give any information about the patients' preferences. So, claiming that the doctors do a disservice to their patients is a big claim that might not only be wrong but also damaging for the doctors. In conclusion, the given argument is weakened by the lack of evidence to support the assumptions and claims. It may, in fact, be true that the above-mentioned alternative forms of treatment work, but in order to verify this, we need more information about the effects and the underlying functions of the illnesses an the treatments.

jkolachi · Answer

Yes better, but I think you need to continue to write. Some of the sentences could def be re-worded. use more concise and formal language i.e.

"The given argument states that doctors are doing a disservice to their patients and contributing to increasing costs of health care in the United states because because they focus on expensive drug treatments and invasive procedures instead of art or music therapy."

You could simply say "The argument states that by not prescribing art and music therapy, doctors are doing a disservice to their patients. The author basis on the fact that art & music therapy have shown to be an effective and cost-efficient alternative to conventional prescriptions." ....

I also don't like the reasoning to be honest. The reasoning is weak, you got to attack the argument hard. That shows your critical reasoning skills. Why is this argument bad? Disagree with the argument! .. you are agreeing to a certain degree... that's a mistake in my opinion. Go hard for instance

" The author assumes that doctors lack the judgement to prescribe the appropriate remedy for their patients. It also fails to differentiate the type of illnesses and maladies that said therapy is effective for. The author fails to provide the data which would support his assertion. Furthermore the author without providing his medical expertise assumes that the said therapy would be effective in treating a host of illnesses. He also assumes that doctors are unaware of the benefits of music & arts therapy and therefore unwittingly prescribing the wrong remedy. He provides no evidence for why doctors are ignoring therapy if it does actually have the benefits that author claims..... .""

Think about what the author is saying, He is claiming to know more than doctors... who are experts in their field. Is he a doctor too? What illnesses is he talking about? Maybe music is good for a headache, but is it good for say Polio or a cancer patient? See how ridiculous that sounds? Do you think music therapy could cure cancer? So the author is making a ridiculous statement without backing it up with any evidence at all.....

What can music & art really help with? Maybe depression or flu or headache, for those you can take a cheap pill generally.... So the argument is very bad. Attack it hard.

To simply:" Make the argument sound like the author has said the stupidest thing you have ever hard. Make it sound like you can't believe what is coming out of the author's mouth... As if you're in shock .. because that's how bad some of these arguments are..." So let the GMAC marker know that you see how bad the argument is by Ripping it apart! Don't use soft wishy washy language. Take a hard stance and stick to your guns.

Kudos if it helps!

LukasBue · Answer

Thanks again for motivating me! I really struggle with the 30 minute limit which doesn't leave enough time to prove-read the essay.

The following is the most recent essay I wrote.

What do you think?

Topic 
The following appeared in a trade publication for the insurance industry:

“Each generation of Americans has lived longer than the ones preceding it, as the national life expectancy has approached 80 years old in recent years. The progress of medical technology shows no sign of abating. Therefore, we can confidently predict that most children born in America in the next decade will live past the age of ninety.”

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

Essay 
The argument claims that one could confidently predict that most children born in America in the next ten years will live past the age of ninety because every generation of Americans has lived longer than the ones preceding it. The argument is based on the premise that the progress of medical technology is not abating. Stated in this way, the argument fails to mention several factors, on the basis of which it could be evaluated. Moreover, it relies on assumptions that are not supported by evidence. Hence, the argument is unconvincing and has several flaws.

First, the argument claims that life expectancy heavily depends on the progress of medical technology. Even if that were true, the author fails to account for several other factors that influence life expectancy. Despite advancements in medical technology, life expectancy is, for instance, certain to decrease in the event of war or a natural catastrophe. Without a throughout analysis of the different factors that contribute to life expectancy, the argument remains flawed.

Second, the argument readily assumes that past development is a good predictor for future development. Clearly, the increasing life expectancy of former generations is not directly correlated to the life expectancy of future generations. Based on the authors assumption, life expectancy is expected to never stop to increase. This conclusion, however, fails to mention that there might, in fact, be a certain age in one's life where the human body is not capable of getting older anymore. In order to strengthen the argument, it is necessary to provide evidence that this age does not exist or can be extended to infinity.

Third, the argument fails to distinguish between life expectancy and the real age of individuals. Life expectancy refers to the average expected age at death. This means, that even in a country with a life expectancy of ninety years, roughly fifty percent of the population will not reach the age of ninety. Therefore, concluding that most children born in the next decade will live past the age of ninety is false.

Finally, the argument provides certain numbers and measures without providing evidence that justifies them. The author claims, for instance, that the life expectancy is 80 years today and will be at a certain level in the future. Moreover, the argument claims that medical technology is advancing, yet fails to provide evidence for this advancement.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed for the above-mentioned reasons and therefore unconvincing. Some of the underlying assumptions are not supported by evidence and the author fails to mention certain key factors. Without additional evidence, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.

jkolachi · Answer

Much better in my opinion. Keep practicing though and make sure you finish in 20 minutes (5 minutes to brainstorm/outline before starting and 5 minutes for final editing...) So write 500 words in 20 minutes and make sure you leave enough time for editing.

Good luck

Good luck

My first essay

Prep Toolkit

Top 5 GMAT Debrief Videos

615 to 715 in 15 Days (Ria's Strategies)

More than Quant/Verbal Abilities: Speed vs. Accuracy

745 with Only Self-Prep and GMAT Club

From 555 to 765: 210-point Improvement

Perfect 805 Score Debrief by Julia

My Rewards