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25 Apr 2017, 11:15
Kudos
Bookmarks
Hey guys,
only a little more than a week left until I have my big day.
Today I wrote my first essay and I would be really happy if someone could help me by rating my essay.
I'm not a native speaker and I aim to score 4.5.
Thanks in advance!
Topic:
"Company X's latest model of digital camera to be released next month, the TR12, is being promoted as the most portable, user-friendly digital camera available, and also an excellent bargain. It can be expected to live up to these claims, because Company X's previous model, the TR11, was universally lauded as setting the standard in these areas last year."
My essay:
The author of the given part of an article states that Company X's latest digital camera, the TR12, will be the most portable and user-friendly digital camera available and that it will also be relatively cheap. The main reason the author gives for his conclusion is that the company's previous model did very well in these areas. There are, however, a few errors in the line of reasoning which undermine the argument.
First, the assumption that a product has to be good in certain areas because other products made by the same company did well in those areas is not logical. Just because a company was good at meeting last year's consumer's expectations, that does not mean it is good in meeting the expectations of future customers. The author does not provide information about new features of the TR12 and doesn't compare it to the previous model. That means, that we are neither given any objective factors which we could use to determine the usability or the portability of the TR12, nor are we given a price of the camera and those of competitors.
Second, the passage does not account for the nature of perception. It is not easy to determine whether something is most user-friendly or most portable. While some customers may find the TR12 highly user-friendly, others will probably not. The generalization made by the author is not supported by data. The reader is not informed about the measures that the author used to identify the TR11, the previous model, as leading in the above-mentioned areas. Moreover, an important attribute of perception is that perception changes over time. While the TR11 might have met the needs of many customers, those needs could be totally different today.
Finally, the author does not mention competitors or market conditions in the digital camera market. On the one hand, there could be a lot of competitors, on the other hand the TR11 could have been a one-hit wonder and doesn't really mirror the company's ability to create great cameras.
In conclusion, the argument contains several flaws. One main error is that the arguments lacks hard facts. There is neither information given about the cameras features and about the features of other cameras, nor are there any facts about the needs or wants of the customers. By giving such information, the author could easily strengthen many parts of his argument. A very intuitive way to do that is a survey that identifies the main factors which customers of digital cameras associate with portability and user-friendliness. The results of this survey could be used to check which of the current and future models of digital cameras are capable of meeting those expectations.
only a little more than a week left until I have my big day.
Today I wrote my first essay and I would be really happy if someone could help me by rating my essay.
I'm not a native speaker and I aim to score 4.5.
Thanks in advance!
Topic:
"Company X's latest model of digital camera to be released next month, the TR12, is being promoted as the most portable, user-friendly digital camera available, and also an excellent bargain. It can be expected to live up to these claims, because Company X's previous model, the TR11, was universally lauded as setting the standard in these areas last year."
My essay:
The author of the given part of an article states that Company X's latest digital camera, the TR12, will be the most portable and user-friendly digital camera available and that it will also be relatively cheap. The main reason the author gives for his conclusion is that the company's previous model did very well in these areas. There are, however, a few errors in the line of reasoning which undermine the argument.
First, the assumption that a product has to be good in certain areas because other products made by the same company did well in those areas is not logical. Just because a company was good at meeting last year's consumer's expectations, that does not mean it is good in meeting the expectations of future customers. The author does not provide information about new features of the TR12 and doesn't compare it to the previous model. That means, that we are neither given any objective factors which we could use to determine the usability or the portability of the TR12, nor are we given a price of the camera and those of competitors.
Second, the passage does not account for the nature of perception. It is not easy to determine whether something is most user-friendly or most portable. While some customers may find the TR12 highly user-friendly, others will probably not. The generalization made by the author is not supported by data. The reader is not informed about the measures that the author used to identify the TR11, the previous model, as leading in the above-mentioned areas. Moreover, an important attribute of perception is that perception changes over time. While the TR11 might have met the needs of many customers, those needs could be totally different today.
Finally, the author does not mention competitors or market conditions in the digital camera market. On the one hand, there could be a lot of competitors, on the other hand the TR11 could have been a one-hit wonder and doesn't really mirror the company's ability to create great cameras.
In conclusion, the argument contains several flaws. One main error is that the arguments lacks hard facts. There is neither information given about the cameras features and about the features of other cameras, nor are there any facts about the needs or wants of the customers. By giving such information, the author could easily strengthen many parts of his argument. A very intuitive way to do that is a survey that identifies the main factors which customers of digital cameras associate with portability and user-friendliness. The results of this survey could be used to check which of the current and future models of digital cameras are capable of meeting those expectations.
25 Apr 2017, 14:30
Kudos
Bookmarks
LukasBue
Hey guys,
Topic:
"Company X's latest model of digital camera to be released next month, the TR12, is being promoted as the most portable, user-friendly digital camera available, and also an excellent bargain. It can be expected to live up to these claims, because Company X's previous model, the TR11, was universally lauded as setting the standard in these areas last year."
My essay:
The author of the given part of an article -- Don't ever say that .. sounds very awkward -- states that Company X's latest digital camera, the TR12, will be the most portable and user-friendly digital camera available and that it will also be relatively cheap --Does not say relatively cheap -- . The main reason the author gives for his conclusion is that the company's previous model did very well in these areas. There are, however, a few errors in the line of reasoning which undermine the argument.
First, the assumption that a product [b]has to be good in certain areas because other products made by the same company did well in those areas is not logical[/b] -- very awkward, rephrase it. you could say.. assumption that product x will be successful because product y was successful is not logical -- .Just because a company was good at meeting last year's consumer's expectations, that does not mean it is good in meeting the expectations of future customers you could re-write this whole sentence and simply it. --. The author does not provide information about new features of the TR12 and doesn't compare it to the previous model. That means, that we are neither given any objective factors which we could use to determine the usability or the portability of the TR12, nor are we given a price of the camera and those of competitors. -- The rest is good.
Second, the passage does not account for the nature of perception. It is not easy to determine whether something is most user-friendly or most portable. While some customers may find the TR12 highly user-friendly, others will probably not. -- awkward, once again you could rephrase it in simpler words also just because some people won't find it user friendly doesn't mean that it is not user friendly.. you see the distinction? . -- The generalization made by the author is not supported by data. The reader is not informed about the measures that the author used to identify the TR11, the previous model, as leading in the above-mentioned areas. Moreover, an important attribute of perception is that perception changes over time. While the TR11 might have met the needs of many customers, those needs could be totally different today. -- rest is good, you could simply say that the claim that this product will be most portable or user friendly is not supported by any relevant data. The author could provide empirical evidence to strengthen the argument.
Finally, the author does not mention competitors or market conditions in the digital camera market. On the one hand, there could be a lot of competitors, on the other hand the TR11 could have been a one-hit wonder and doesn't really mirror the company's ability to create great cameras.
In conclusion, the argument contains several flaws. One main error is that the arguments lacks hard facts. There is neither information given about the cameras features and about the features of other cameras, nor are there any facts about the needs or wants of the customers. By giving such information, the author could easily strengthen many parts of his - You don't know the gender of the author, it might be written by a SHE don't assume the gender -- argument. A very intuitive way to do that is a survey that identifies the main factors which customers of digital cameras associate with portability and user-friendliness. The results of this survey could be used to check which of the current and future models of digital cameras are capable of meeting those expectations.
The conclusion is good. i think you can get 4 to 4.5 but just to be safe, practice a bit more. Rephrase parts of your paragraphs and use a bit more academic language. DOn't use informal language and you should be fine. Your reasoning and understand of the argument is good but the writing style requires a bit of work. This should come with a bit of practice.Topic:
"Company X's latest model of digital camera to be released next month, the TR12, is being promoted as the most portable, user-friendly digital camera available, and also an excellent bargain. It can be expected to live up to these claims, because Company X's previous model, the TR11, was universally lauded as setting the standard in these areas last year."
My essay:
The author of the given part of an article -- Don't ever say that .. sounds very awkward -- states that Company X's latest digital camera, the TR12, will be the most portable and user-friendly digital camera available and that it will also be relatively cheap --Does not say relatively cheap -- . The main reason the author gives for his conclusion is that the company's previous model did very well in these areas. There are, however, a few errors in the line of reasoning which undermine the argument.
First, the assumption that a product [b]has to be good in certain areas because other products made by the same company did well in those areas is not logical[/b] -- very awkward, rephrase it. you could say.. assumption that product x will be successful because product y was successful is not logical -- .
Second, the passage does not account for the nature of perception. It is not easy to determine whether something is most user-friendly or most portable. While some customers may find the TR12 highly user-friendly, others will probably not. -- awkward, once again you could rephrase it in simpler words also just because some people won't find it user friendly doesn't mean that it is not user friendly.. you see the distinction? . -- The generalization made by the author is not supported by data. The reader is not informed about the measures that the author used to identify the TR11, the previous model, as leading in the above-mentioned areas. Moreover, an important attribute of perception is that perception changes over time. While the TR11 might have met the needs of many customers, those needs could be totally different today. -- rest is good, you could simply say that the claim that this product will be most portable or user friendly is not supported by any relevant data. The author could provide empirical evidence to strengthen the argument.
Finally, the author does not mention competitors or market conditions in the digital camera market. On the one hand, there could be a lot of competitors, on the other hand the TR11 could have been a one-hit wonder and doesn't really mirror the company's ability to create great cameras.
In conclusion, the argument contains several flaws. One main error is that the arguments lacks hard facts. There is neither information given about the cameras features and about the features of other cameras, nor are there any facts about the needs or wants of the customers. By giving such information, the author could easily strengthen many parts of his - You don't know the gender of the author, it might be written by a SHE don't assume the gender -- argument. A very intuitive way to do that is a survey that identifies the main factors which customers of digital cameras associate with portability and user-friendliness. The results of this survey could be used to check which of the current and future models of digital cameras are capable of meeting those expectations.
Best of luck! Kudos if this helps! Thanks
28 Apr 2017, 06:08
Kudos
Bookmarks
jkolachi
...
Thanks a lot for your effort
Today I tried another one. Do you think I did better this time?Topic
The following appeared in a medical magazine:
"Art and music have long been understood to have therapeutic effects for individuals who suffer from either physical or mental illnesses. However, most doctors rarely recommend to patients some form of art or music therapy. Instead, doctors focus almost all of their attention on costly drug treatments and invasive procedures that carry serious risks and side-effects. By focusing on these expensive procedures rather than low-cost treatments such as art and music therapy, doctors are doing a disservice to their patients and contributing to the rising cost of health care in the United States."
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.
My Essay
The given argument states that doctors are doing a disservice to their patients and contributing to increasing costs of health care in the United states because because they focus on expensive drug treatments and invasive procedures instead of art or music therapy. This conclusion is based on the premise that Art and music are said to have therapeutic effects on people who suffer from physical or metal illnesses. While this might in fact be true, some of the underlying assumptions need to be questioned and additional evidence is needed to support the claim.
First, the author argues that music and art have been understood to have therapeutic effects. That does not mean that art and music really have those effects, but that people believe that this is the case. The author fails to provide evidence to support this claim. Moreover, even if music and art have positive effects on people who suffer from some kind of illness, these therapeutic methods will not necessarily work for everyone. Most of the costly drug treatments, however, are proven to work on many individuals and may, therefore, be the preferred method of many doctors.
Second, the author assumes that music and art treatments are cheaper than drug treatments and invasive procedures. Not only does he fail to support this thesis with evidence but also does he not mention hidden costs. Examples for these hidden costs include additional expenses that occur, if art and music therapies do not work, and increasing expenses of drug treatments caused by the fact that the drug company sells fewer drugs and wants to remain profitable.
Third, the arguments doesn't account for the patient, one of the most important factors in medicine. The patient is the one who needs the treatment and has to live with its consequences. For many patients alternative treatments, such as music or art, might seem too experimental and they might, therefore, prefer drug treatments. The author doesn't give any information about the patients' preferences. So, claiming that the doctors do a disservice to their patients is a big claim that might not only be wrong but also damaging for the doctors.
In conclusion, the given argument is weakened by the lack of evidence to support the assumptions and claims. It may, in fact, be true that the above-mentioned alternative forms of treatment work, but in order to verify this, we need more information about the effects and the underlying functions of the illnesses an the treatments.
