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AWA please rate. I wrote a lot of AWA's, but cant get perfect

kvazar

Joined: 13 May 2011

Last visit: 28 Dec 2018

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Concentration: Strategy, Technology

Schools: Kellogg '18 (A) Booth '18 (M$) Stanford '18 (D) Wharton '18 (D) Haas '18 (D) Duke '18 (WD) Tuck '18 (A) Sloan '18 (D) Anderson '18 (A)

GMAT 1: 750 Q49 V42 Verified score

GPA: 3.2

WE:Accounting (Consulting)

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Schools: Kellogg '18 (A) Booth '18 (M$) Stanford '18 (D) Wharton '18 (D) Haas '18 (D) Duke '18 (WD) Tuck '18 (A) Sloan '18 (D) Anderson '18 (A)

GMAT 1: 750 Q49 V42 Verified score

Posts: 170

Kudos: 181

05 Sep 2015, 03:05

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Hey! I took a lot of AWA's, but my responses are not super structure, though I did use the AWA template, please let me know what do you think:

Code:

Americans spend far too much of their time buying and consuming non-essential goods. Studies show that, on average Americans spend over a quarter of their leisure time shopping. As such, it is no secret why America is losing its competitive edge relative to other countries. Instead of spending their time productively, Americans are wasting time through frivolous consumption. In order to counteract this trend, Americans should spend more time focused on personal and communal development--by, for example, pursuing educational advancement or participating in volunteer opportunities."

Quote:

The argument claims that America is losing its competitive edge relative to other countries, because on average Americans spend over a quarter of their leisure time shopping. Stated in this way the argument reveals examples of leap of faith, poor reasoning and ill-defined terminology, as well as fails to mention several key factors, on the basis of which it can be evaluated. The conclusion of the argument relies on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Hence, the argument is unconvincing and has several flaws.

First, the statement readily assumes that spending time shopping leads to loosing competitive edge. This statement is a stretch, it does not provide any details about where exactly America is losing the edge and how that is related to shopping, providing more details is required to make a connection, otherwise there will be doubts. For example, we are not told if Americans spend more time shopping then people from other countries. Clearly, we need relative data points to be able to make a comparison. The argument could have been much clearer if it explicitly stated that Americans spend more of their leisure time shopping, while people from other countries, spend similar or more time on personal and communal development.

Second, the argument claims that in order to counteract that trend, Americans should spend more time focusing on personal and communal development. This is again a very weak and unsupported claim as the argument does not demonstrate any correlation between community service and gaining competitive edge. To illustrate, though Americans spend quarter of their leisure time shopping, they might be spending another quarter pursuing educational advancement or participating in volunteer opportunities. While people of other countries spend less time in absolute value and gain competitive edge in a different manner, for example China is known for its rapid growth and competitive edge in many aspects, but that is gained through sweatshops and lower value of human life, which is not a good trade even for a competitive edge. IF the argument had provided evidence that Americans lose their competitive edge because of the reasons mentioned and nothing else, then the argument could have been a lot more convincing.

Finally, the argument raises questions that it does not answer, such as what will be an effect of decreased consumptions? It is known that consumption is an important factor of a growing economy and spending less time consuming goods will lead to a loss of jobs, another important questions in what sectors America is losing competitive edge? It is quite possible that America is gaining edge in a more important areas of economy and quality of life. Without convincing answers to these questions, one is left with an impression that the claim is more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence.

In conclusion the argument is flawed for the above-mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. It could be considerably improved if the author clearly mentioned all the relevant facts. In order to assess the merits of a certain situation, it is essential to have full knowledge of all the contributing factors. In this particular case author needs to provide more details on competitive edge and its importance, and how shopping is detrimental to it. Without this information, the argument remains unsupported and open to debate.

rahulsnh

Joined: 30 Jul 2013

Last visit: 20 Sep 2016

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05 Sep 2015, 07:44

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Areas you can improve:
1. I struggled to get the pronoun references

Quote:

on the basis of which it can be evaluated

.
2. Take time to proof read your essay after writing it - typos will be corrected

Quote:

then people from other countries

3. Prefer shorter sentences as they help you maintain coherence and avoid mistakes.
4. Your focus must be to weaken the argument, to find flaws in its logic, and to suggest ways to strengthen it. Perhaps, an approach to dedicate a para for each will help you maintain coherence better. Try to avoid mingling issues. You do not have to completely destroy the argument because in the given time it cannot be expected of anyone to list all the flaws.

If you have a copy of OG, take a look at the sample provided; notice the flow in particular. A reader should be able to follow your thoughts as he reads your essay. You seem to have got the keywords right; also the template used is fine. Now you need to get the flow right; maybe you should give yourself a couple of minutes to think through the stem critically before you start typing.

I hope my review helped!