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05 May 2017, 06:07
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My first attempt at writing an AWA essay. Please help rate the same so I could improve.
Argument:
The following appeared as part of an article reviewing summer camps for children.
Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.
Essay:
The article claiming that Federville Farms provides the best summer camp experience for children is flawed and fails to consider several reasons before making such a conclusion. Some of the reasons cited as advantages of the summer camp may not be the ones parents would be considering while choosing a summer camp. Also, drawing premises based on survey results and claiming safety based on number of lifeguards employed are not valid consideration for choosing a summer camp.
Firstly, the advantages cited in favor of choosing Federville Farms such as overall camper satisfaction, variety of outdoor activities, family owned and operated camp may not be the top priority of requirements for parents while choosing a summer camp. This is because the article fails to consider several crucial requirements such as summer camp's proximity to residences of children, cost of summer camp, number of children accommodated in a batch of summer camp, and duration and schedule of the summer camp.
Secondly, the survey results and claims based on survey results does not adequately provide information to parents. It is not elaborated on who the survey participants were and what the sample size and sample type was. It is highly possible that the survey could have been conducted in a very small residential location that is in close proximity to the summer camp with participants who may have enrolled other children previously to the same summer camp.
Thirdly, employing a large number of Red Cross certified lifeguards does not necessarily ensure safety. There is no guarantee that all employed lifeguards will be active on duty to protect children. Also, there is no mention of specific activities for which having lifeguards is a requirement.
Given the flaws provided, the article is not likely to attract parents and choose Federville Farms for their children's summer camp needs.
Argument:
The following appeared as part of an article reviewing summer camps for children.
Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.
Essay:
The article claiming that Federville Farms provides the best summer camp experience for children is flawed and fails to consider several reasons before making such a conclusion. Some of the reasons cited as advantages of the summer camp may not be the ones parents would be considering while choosing a summer camp. Also, drawing premises based on survey results and claiming safety based on number of lifeguards employed are not valid consideration for choosing a summer camp.
Firstly, the advantages cited in favor of choosing Federville Farms such as overall camper satisfaction, variety of outdoor activities, family owned and operated camp may not be the top priority of requirements for parents while choosing a summer camp. This is because the article fails to consider several crucial requirements such as summer camp's proximity to residences of children, cost of summer camp, number of children accommodated in a batch of summer camp, and duration and schedule of the summer camp.
Secondly, the survey results and claims based on survey results does not adequately provide information to parents. It is not elaborated on who the survey participants were and what the sample size and sample type was. It is highly possible that the survey could have been conducted in a very small residential location that is in close proximity to the summer camp with participants who may have enrolled other children previously to the same summer camp.
Thirdly, employing a large number of Red Cross certified lifeguards does not necessarily ensure safety. There is no guarantee that all employed lifeguards will be active on duty to protect children. Also, there is no mention of specific activities for which having lifeguards is a requirement.
Given the flaws provided, the article is not likely to attract parents and choose Federville Farms for their children's summer camp needs.
05 May 2017, 09:46
Kudos
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Actually a decent written essay. Good writing skills, good analysis but i think these areas can improve: Intro too short, conclusion also too short. Turn those 3 paragraphs into two main paragraphs and third paragraph into how to improve the argument....
I think you can get 5 easy, maybe even 6 with more practice but you don't need more than 4 or 5 for most schools.
Good luck! Kudos if it helps
I think you can get 5 easy, maybe even 6 with more practice but you don't need more than 4 or 5 for most schools.
Good luck! Kudos if it helps
06 May 2017, 06:27
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jkolachi, Thanks for taking the time and reviewing my essay! Much appreciated.
I will look into ways to improve the content of the introduction and concluding paragraphs of the essay. The above essay was timed (as part of a practice test) and so I was out of time to include any additional content. Makes the point that I need to manage my time better for AWA section. Thanks again!
I will look into ways to improve the content of the introduction and concluding paragraphs of the essay. The above essay was timed (as part of a practice test) and so I was out of time to include any additional content. Makes the point that I need to manage my time better for AWA section. Thanks again!
