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27 Nov 2021, 13:01
Kudos
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Thanks a ton Sajjad 
10 Dec 2021, 05:54
Kudos
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Hi Sajjad,
Could you please rate mine as well?
The author of the article claims that, although seeming expensive when compared to tap water, Saluda Natural Spring Water is a warranted investment in what concerns one's wellbeing. The claim, though, is not consistently underpinned, presenting some weak points that should be overcome.
To start with, the article refers that the bottled water comprises several minerals that are crucial for a person to have a good health, without identifying any of those minerals and specifying the degree to which the minerals are present in the water. To correct the vague language, the author should not only list all or a considerable part of the minerals that are present in the Saluda Natural Spring Water, but also provide some data on the quantity of those minerals. It could be the case that a lot of minerals can be found in the water, despite the fact their quantity is so low that they do not render any substantial improvement in one's health. Moreover, to fully correct this weak point, would be good to know how the Saluda Spring Water compares with its peers regarding the contained minerals and their percentage within the water.
Second, the author points out that the residents from Saluda, the town where the water is bottled, are less hospitalized when compared to the national average. Striking at first, this fact loses its power since the author does not follow-up on it with a good justification. The health of a human being is a rather complex subject, influenced by an uncountable multitude of factors, from socioeconomic to mental ones. That being said, the residents of Saluda may go less to the hospital for a plethora of other causes, not related, at all, with the water that some of them may drink. So, to strengthen this point the author should provide a more detailed analysis on the possible causes of this fact. For instance, it would be important to see if this trend was observable, or not, before the company started to operate in the region. If so, this already-weak point would become even more weak.
Furthermore, the author does not inform the reader about the percentage of Saluda citizens that do drink the Saluda bottled water. If a large percentage of the residents do not do so, the fragile link that is established between the health of the residents and the benefits derived from drinking the water would be totally broken.
A final note on the claim about bacteria. The article states that to be completely free of bacteria is a good thing for a bottled water, but does say how the water achieves this. It may be the case that the company uses some processes to remove the bacteria that are not good for the drinker's health in the end of the day. Furthermore, some bacteria are known to be beneficial for some aspects, and it's unclear if the removal of all of these organisms is, indeed, a positive thing.
In summary, the passage lacks the strength of sound arguments to support its claims in what concerns the advantages of drinking Saluda Water, mainly because a lot of links are established between complex effects that may not be linked, and would benefit from the presentation of more data describing the water itself and its chemical composition, comparing it with other bottled water companies and framing the hospitalization rate of Saluda together with other factors.
Best,
José
Could you please rate mine as well?
The author of the article claims that, although seeming expensive when compared to tap water, Saluda Natural Spring Water is a warranted investment in what concerns one's wellbeing. The claim, though, is not consistently underpinned, presenting some weak points that should be overcome.
To start with, the article refers that the bottled water comprises several minerals that are crucial for a person to have a good health, without identifying any of those minerals and specifying the degree to which the minerals are present in the water. To correct the vague language, the author should not only list all or a considerable part of the minerals that are present in the Saluda Natural Spring Water, but also provide some data on the quantity of those minerals. It could be the case that a lot of minerals can be found in the water, despite the fact their quantity is so low that they do not render any substantial improvement in one's health. Moreover, to fully correct this weak point, would be good to know how the Saluda Spring Water compares with its peers regarding the contained minerals and their percentage within the water.
Second, the author points out that the residents from Saluda, the town where the water is bottled, are less hospitalized when compared to the national average. Striking at first, this fact loses its power since the author does not follow-up on it with a good justification. The health of a human being is a rather complex subject, influenced by an uncountable multitude of factors, from socioeconomic to mental ones. That being said, the residents of Saluda may go less to the hospital for a plethora of other causes, not related, at all, with the water that some of them may drink. So, to strengthen this point the author should provide a more detailed analysis on the possible causes of this fact. For instance, it would be important to see if this trend was observable, or not, before the company started to operate in the region. If so, this already-weak point would become even more weak.
Furthermore, the author does not inform the reader about the percentage of Saluda citizens that do drink the Saluda bottled water. If a large percentage of the residents do not do so, the fragile link that is established between the health of the residents and the benefits derived from drinking the water would be totally broken.
A final note on the claim about bacteria. The article states that to be completely free of bacteria is a good thing for a bottled water, but does say how the water achieves this. It may be the case that the company uses some processes to remove the bacteria that are not good for the drinker's health in the end of the day. Furthermore, some bacteria are known to be beneficial for some aspects, and it's unclear if the removal of all of these organisms is, indeed, a positive thing.
In summary, the passage lacks the strength of sound arguments to support its claims in what concerns the advantages of drinking Saluda Water, mainly because a lot of links are established between complex effects that may not be linked, and would benefit from the presentation of more data describing the water itself and its chemical composition, comparing it with other bottled water companies and framing the hospitalization rate of Saluda together with other factors.
Best,
José
10 Dec 2021, 06:03
Kudos
Bookmarks
Welcome to GMAT Club!
AWA Score: 4.5-5 out of 6
I have used a GMAT AWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.
Coherence and connectivity: 4.5/5
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.
Paragraph structure and formation: 2.5/5
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.
Vocabulary and word expression: 4/5
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!
I have used a GMAT AWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.
Coherence and connectivity: 4.5/5
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.
Paragraph structure and formation: 2.5/5
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.
Vocabulary and word expression: 4/5
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!
Good Luck
zemiguelcc
