Guide to Recruiting and Schmoozing - Part 3 - Etiquette

Regarding table manners, I actually think this is very very important. Of course not everyone has great manners but many of the higher level executives have been to many formal dinners so chances are high that you may come across one that is a stickler. And I'll admit, although I'm not a high level exec at a major firm, I'm a bit of a stickler so watching someone make egregious errors makes me cringe a bit inside.

There are many nuances to table manners and you don't need to follow them all but here are some basics:

1) your bread plate is always to your left. don't grab the one on your right because you will screw things up (especially if the table is round). If you forget, just wait until you see other people use their plates.

2) don't put butter on the entire piece of bread and eat it like a sandwich. you need to tear off a bite sized piece, butter it, and then eat it...and repeat.

3) always offer the bread to others before you eat it yourself.

4) left hand is for the fork, right hand is for the knife...cut meat, then switch off so your right hand has the fork. eat. cut only one bite sized piece at a time. yes, if you are European, you do not need to switch and i know that but you may come across an executive who doesn't know that and ironically thinks you're the one who is misinformed so play it safe. if you are left handed, you can do everything with the opposite hand. when cutting, your left hand should hold the fork with your index finger pointed down. don't grab the fork with your fist. also, hold your fork right side up. i really dislike it when a person holds their fork backwards (the concave/convex part)...it's rare but i see mistakes in this sometimes. Also...utensils are outside in and the top ones are for dessert.

5) if you need to rest your utensils, put them on your plate so that the dirty part does not go back onto the tablecloth. when they take your plate, they will take your utensils for that course so you don't need them.

6) when leaving your table to go to a restroom, etc...move your napkin from your lap to your chair. Don't put your dirty napkin on the table.

7) Water glass goes on the right side. Don't order alcohol unless the executive offers it first.

8) Don't get too weird and picky about your food "e.g. I want my steak done medium rare but slightly on the rare side but the outside burnt and partially butterflied but not so that the butterflied opening is chared, etc.". If you are vegetarian, just order something that you can eat from the menu. If the menu does not have anything for vegetarians, ask the waiter and they will almost always make a "grilled vegetable" plate for you.

9) Don't order messy stuff like baby back ribs, spaghetti, pizza, etc...unless you're in that kind of restaurant where this is the main feature.

10) If you get wine, the executive will usually order but if he/she asks you to order and you really feel like ordering, find something midrange (in terms of taste and price). I generally stick with a pinot noir at $80 or so but sometimes will ask if the other person is more in the mood for a shirah or cabernet sauvignon. I usually don't order white (usually stick with chardonnay or sauvignon blanc) unless I know the other person prefers it.

RVD.

A good tip: if you forget, just make little "b" and "d" signs with your hands buy forming a circle with your thumb and index fingers. Your "B" will be on your left hand (bread) and your "D" will be on your right hand (drink).

my biggest issue with that is I always go: "Is it bread and drink or beverage and dinner roll?"

i wish i ignored your post, now i will be confused too :/

I won't say where I heard this so that I don't embarrass myself (okay, it was the John Tesh show), but you should think BMW - bread, meal, water. I haven't forgotten since (and I don't have to use my hands).

I'm a European lefty, and I have to admit that I never bothered learning to cut with my right hand. In some very posh circles what I do might be considered rude, but all in all I've almost never had any remarks. If I have any problems in the US, I'll blame the cultural differences

I would like to thank pelihu for providing such a deep insight on US etiquette. I was aware of all the points that he made, except the point and shoot one: I thought I misread the first time I read that passage! I didn't even know that people did that. Talk about cultural differences... (Far Eastern etiquette must be even worse).

I would like to ask a question though: the points that pelihu makes, are they rigorously applied in every circumstance in the US, or is that in an ideal world? For example, putting the butter on your plate first is something you should do, but that I don't bother doing unless I'm having dinner for the first time with my step-family What about business dinners?

Thanks for the insight!

The "even" made me laugh

Eating must sometimes be a pretty stressful experience for you!

Kudos though for your insightful post.

Awesome article !!..Every b-school grad should read this. Thanks Pelihu.

I don't know exactly what you mean when you say "hold your fork right side up." I do know that if you're eating meat (or anything that requires you to use stab at your food with the fork,) you are supposed to hold it so that the tines point downward (which would mean the convex part of the fork facing upwards and the concave part facing downwards.)

I personally find the American/"zig-zag" style ridiculous, and I've never been in a situation where the Continental/European style was ever frowned upon.

If you want to be really pretentious, you can pay special attention so that food hardly touches your lips. To do this, you really have to eat food in really small bite-sized amounts (unless you have a HUGE mouth), which is probably a good thing.



Some would say a utensil that has been used should NEVER touch the tablecloth, even the clean/handle part.

This is also an American/European difference. In the US style, "right side up" would mean with tines pointing upwards. One other US/European difference, in the US you're not supposed to use your knife or anything else to help guide small foods (i.e. peas, corn) onto your fork. I believe in the European style it's considered perfectly ok to use a knife or bread for this. I agree with you xenok, that most businesspeople these days have been exposed to enough international culture to realize that not everyone follows the American eating customs, and wouldn't frown on people following the European style.



I have heard the same, with the placement indicating to the waitstaff whether you are finished or still eating (X = still eating, parallel = finished).

Useful information! Makes me worry a bit about the little knowledge I have about proper etiquette. I may look into getting a book about the basics, as you recommended.