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Rate my essay AWA

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Joined: 07 Sep 2017
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Rate my essay AWA [#permalink]

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New post 02 Nov 2017, 23:35
Hey all, I have my GMAT in 3 days and am trying to get better at AWA. Please rate the essay and any feedback/criticism is appreciated.

Question :
"In general, people are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses. Walk into Heart's Delight, a store that started selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole-grain flours in the 1960's, and you will also find a wide selection of cheeses made with high butterfat content. Next door, the owners of the Good Earth Cafe, an old vegetarian restaurant, are still making a modest living, but the owners of the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires."

Describe.......

My essay :

The argument states that people, in general, are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses. Based on the given facts, the argument is heavily flawed. The argument fails to mention several key factors on the basis of which it could be evaluated. The conclusion of the argument relies on assumptions for which there is no evidence. Hence, the given argument flawed.
First, the argument readily assumes that the people are not as concerned about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses. This statement is a stretch and not substantiated in any way. For example, according to a survey taken by New York Times magazine, people in the state of New York are 45% more concerned with their health than they were a decade ago. Clearly, the people are under control of their intake of red meat and cheeses as it has a huge effect on the health of an individual. The argument could have been much clearer if they would have provided with the supporting data made for this claim.
Second, this argument claims that a store namely Heart’s delight that started selling organic fruits and vegetables in the 1960s, has a section for cheese with high butterfat content. This argument is flawed as it does not mention the size of the section which is in question. In addition to this, it also fails to mention whether the store had the same section in the 1960s when it was just started. While having a section of cheese could mean increase in sales leading to increase in consumption, the argument fails to provide evidence on whether these sales have increased in the past decade.
Finally, the argument has compared the living of two restaurants namely, Good Earth Café, and House of beef. This, in no way states that the consumption of beef has increased. The argument fails to consider several key factors while comparing the standard of living of these two restaurants. For example, the argument fails to consider the initial investment that both the restaurants have made. Also, there is no mention of the quality of food as well as the ambience of the restaurants in question which could greatly determine their possible income. If the argument had provided some facts based on this data, then the argument could have been more convincing.
In conclusion, the argument is flawed for the above-mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. It could have been more convincing if the author would have mentioned all the relevant facts discussed. To assess the argument, it is essential to have a full knowledge about the factors, such as the data for the intake of fatty cheese and beef a decade ago and the same data for now, or the amount of sale of cheese in Heart’s delight a decade ago and the same data for now. Without this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.

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Concentration: General Management
GMAT 1: 740 Q49 V42
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Re: Rate my essay AWA [#permalink]

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New post 03 Nov 2017, 01:47
Seems good. Try to atleast cross 500 word mark. Make it about 530 to 550 words.
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Re: Rate my essay AWA [#permalink]

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New post 03 Nov 2017, 01:53
well structured
good content

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Manager
Manager
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Joined: 01 Jan 2014
Posts: 87

Kudos [?]: 29 [0], given: 28

Location: India
GMAT 1: 690 Q48 V35
GPA: 3.82
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Re: Rate my essay AWA [#permalink]

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New post 03 Nov 2017, 01:54
well structured
good content

Kudos [?]: 29 [0], given: 28

Manager
Manager
avatar
S
Joined: 01 Jan 2014
Posts: 87

Kudos [?]: 29 [0], given: 28

Location: India
GMAT 1: 690 Q48 V35
GPA: 3.82
Reviews Badge
Re: Rate my essay AWA [#permalink]

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New post 03 Nov 2017, 01:55
well structured
good content

Kudos [?]: 29 [0], given: 28

Re: Rate my essay AWA   [#permalink] 03 Nov 2017, 01:55
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Rate my essay AWA

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