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Could anyone rate my essay? Thanks

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Intern
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Joined: 08 Jun 2017
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Could anyone rate my essay? Thanks  [#permalink]

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New post 08 Jun 2017, 03:05
I have been struggling with essay writing by myself. Please kindly advice me my weak points in the two essays below in order to get higher score.
Thanks for all reply.



The independent essay 30 minutes.

1 Question : Some movies are serious, designed to make the audience think. Other movies are designed primarily to amuse and entertain. Which type of movie do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

word count : 379

Some people like to watch kind of movies that provide logical thinking. Whereas ,some like to watch comedy. Each kind has different advantages. For me, I prefer entertain movies because it provides me relieving some stresses after work and enhancing my productive thought which I would make clear explanation as following paragraphs.

As an engineer posture, I work with tough and depress tasks which give me a big stress sometimes. Moreover, I also responsible for many things in my family such as financial moment, foods, and insurance. Some moment, those responsibilities throw a big mountain into my head. Then I must find the way to relax my brain is to watch comedy. That kind of movies could make me laugh and not to think about depressed events for the moments. When comedian provides a joke, I instantly laugh as crying person. I find out that laughing rapidly enlarge the age and practice the brain to be brighter. After spending short time getting some relax, I always come up with productive works as well.

Later on, as I mentioned above, when my brain gets relax, I could provide the productive tasks. I myself, sometimes, thought about how the writer of each comedy could bring some perfect jokes. This means that they would have a relax thinking which produced from bright brain. As my experiences, at the time I watched the “chern yim” which is the most famous comedian’s group in Thailand. They, meanwhile, was making a joke about government related to economy plan to export some rice to other countries in Asia, I wrapped up my investing plan to get more detail about export appliances cause my invested portfolio grew up 10% as well. Some people I consulted with said that this is not unreasonable but my opinion is that following the way as same as the economic growth and supported by the government that tricked my brain by that joke . This is my direct experience that my thought came out after the nice joke tricked my relaxed brain that seems like the automatic machinery.

The way of conclusion, I strong prefer being laugher by the comedy that could make you getting more relax and relieve stress as mine. Additionally, after relaxing, you could generate the incredible productive works.
-----------------------------------
2. Question : Some people believe that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. In your opinion, what does success come from? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
word count : 379

People individually define their own success. There are many ways to approach the goal and every accomplish must take the risks. Refer to economy principle, the probability of chance enhances acquisition of success. I myself kindly explain two examples to easily imagine about how takings risks could provide more chances to be successful

To begin with, students outside their home countries who are definitely token risks by many factors such as language, diversity of cultures, new environment etc. For example, my friends who has been studied abroad for 2 years. At the first time, he decided to continue study abroad. He was afraid by using different language. Otherwise, he kept practicing his English skills every moment when was at Thailand. Then the first day he stepped on America, he could rapidly familiar with using English in two days. His story taught me that he dared to deliberately face the new things and successfully prepared his language. Decreasing the risks in awkward moments when speaks with Native speaking by practicing is the proper way as he did. As a result, he could fluently speak English as a native speaker.

Secondly, each of investments have specific risks as we already know. But what if people never put the amount of their money into the risks, those assets are never gained. As the example here, I have invested in stock market. Consideration of losing money always blow in to my mind but I learn how to set my bearable risks when my asset tends to decrease because of fluctuating in business. My investment often follows each business’s cycle that I could make twice money at the time. In conversely, strong realization in unpredictable business’s cycle could be happen cause the big risks. To prevent those, I strictly take a quick look at my bearable risk levels to be cut the happened loss. Investment taught me how to perfectly cope with any risks that could be occur anytime not only in the business but also in real life’s circumstances as unpredictable happening.

In conclusion, as my two examples mentioned above, taking risks cause the happening of success or increasing of probability to be successful. The one key here is that daring to take that risks and new amazing things would be occur, respectively.




Thanks,
Derndinn
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Joined: 19 Jul 2017
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Re: Could anyone rate my essay? Thanks  [#permalink]

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New post 19 Jul 2017, 03:46
I'll rate your essay 3 out of 5. You should proofread it. There are grammar mistakes and you should pay more attention to collocations.
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Re: Could anyone rate my essay? Thanks   [#permalink] 19 Jul 2017, 03:46
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