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Need Rate (score) Estimate for my Essay Q2

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Need Rate (score) Estimate for my Essay Q2  [#permalink]

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New post 20 Jul 2016, 05:16
Question 2:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. Be sure to use your own words. Do not use memorized examples.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Answer --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people think that travelling inside your country is better than travelling to foreign countries, in my opinion people benefit more from travelling to foreign countries, and that for several reasons.

First, travelling to foreign country is a good way to open your mind to the world and explore new places, whether its urban modern places like new york, or natural like the Himalayas. This experience will always bring benefit to you, after stressful period you had in work or other situations, it will refresh your mind, help you relax, and gain energy and positivity to be more productive.
Second, travelling to other countries makes you experience different cultures and get in contact with different people, which always will help you in the future in several situations like dealing with different people from different cultures at work and knowing what is the best way to treat them, for instance while some eye contact can be good in the conversation with some, Japanese tends to see it very rude to establish eye contact with people.

Third, travelling to other countries is good for learning new language, by travelling and exposing yourself to different countries and cultures, you will for sure communicate with people in English as a universal language, and that will make your English better and you will speak more freely and fluently, another thing is that you may communicate with people in their native language if you know how to speak their language, and this will strengthen your language more and more.
In conclusion, traveling inside your country is beneficial at the point for you to know your country better and support their tourism, but the benefits of traveling to foreign countries outcome those from traveling inside your country, it gives you unique experience, learn new languages, relief stress and refresh your mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Answer --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Word count is more than 300

If you can give me an estimate score from 0 to 5
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Re: Need Rate (score) Estimate for my Essay Q2  [#permalink]

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New post 17 Aug 2016, 07:09
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New post 28 Aug 2016, 10:36
Hi odeh7
I am not an expert, and have only written the TOEFL once. I got a 3 for this part of the test. So please keep that in mind with the following comments:

Your organization is very nice, using First, second and in conclusion. Your length also looks good.

I do think you should put more effort into how you write the intro paragraph. Search YouTube for toefl writing introduction and look at the top 4 videos.

You also use VERY long sentences. It makes it very difficult to read and follow your reasoning. Your paragraph that starts with:"Third, travelling to other countries . . ." is ONE LONG sentence. It should be broken into different ones 3 or 4 at least. After every comma or "and" should be a new sentence.

I am not good with giving scores, but I do not think this will score a lot higher than a 3 or 2.5.

Watch the video's

Good luck
Francois
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Need Rate (score) Estimate for my Essay Q2  [#permalink]

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New post 29 Aug 2016, 08:43
oh man..after gmat...I would so destroy the way this essay topic is assigned...though i don't think it's a good idea...
1st thing - like is incorrect to present examples; it's better to use "such as" (GMAT again :D )
This experience will always bring benefit to you, after stressful period you had in work or other situations, it will refresh your mind, help you relax, and gain energy and positivity to be more productive.

the structure of this sentence is not correct. We have 2 independent sentences connected with only a comma.

ct with different people, which always will help you in the future - which is an incorrect pronoun to refer to people, it's better to use "who", if you want to speak about the people. if you refer to experience, know that the pronoun must be next to the noun it modifies. in this case, the meaning is distorted, and it is difficult to understand the sentence.

like - again, like is used to compare nouns. if you compare actions, use "as" + full clause.


Third, travelling to other countries is good for learning new language, by travelling and exposing yourself to different countries and cultures,

i think we need full stop (.) before by. BY traveling and exposing serve as a clause modifier - and the meaning is distorted.

overall, i believe you need to respect the essay structure.
it's better to agree with only one point of view, and provide full support for your view.
second, your essay needs INTRO - P1 - P2 - P3 - Conclusion. Every essay needs an introduction. For example - While many people believe that it is better to explore your country first, I think that travelling to foreign countries has many advantages. Thus, I have identified few ideas to support my point of view.
then P1 - first idea
P2 - second idea
P3 - third idea
Conclusion - restate what you have said in intro, but taking into consideration info from P1/P2/P3 (ex: To sum up, p1 p2 p3 can stand as a solid premise of an argument why travelling to foreign countries is beneficial.)
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Need Rate (score) Estimate for my Essay Q2   [#permalink] 29 Aug 2016, 08:43
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