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Please rate my TOEFL essay

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Intern
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Joined: 21 Aug 2016
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Please rate my TOEFL essay  [#permalink]

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New post 21 Aug 2016, 02:45
Question :
Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Answer:
Being an adult is a very different feeling. You suddenly have to make your own decisions and have to decide how you want to lead your life. However, its a very fast process and shouldn't be dealt with hurry. One must slowly start learning the life of an adult and then starting to make ones own decisions. In my opinion, I feel that young adults should stay with their families for a longer time.
A person's family defines who that person is. They are responsible for this upbringing, the manners he portrays and all the decisions he makes in life. A family is what shapes a person the best. The family is the building block of everyones life and one must stay with them to learn everything about leading a good life. Staying with a family helps us respect them, otherwise in a few years, they will be completely forgotten. A person's true morals come from his family. Being an adult suddenly is something very challenging and if one does not give the process time, life doesn't always turn out to be good. A person should learn to make decisions slowly, with the help of his family, until he is absolutely sure that he is ready for the outside world and any challenge thrown at him. Until then, the young adults should stay with their families.
Moving away from a family at a very early age is harmful in my opinion. Youngsters generally move away from their family at a young age because they find the person they love and want to spend the rest of their wife with them. But, what if things dont workout between them and they have to part ways. Both those young adults are completely shattered from within. They feel too ashamed to go back to their families because they havent spent enough time with them and only remember them in hardships. Life becomes a misery for such individuals as they do not have anyone else to talk to and start crumbling from within. They feel like every stage in life is like a roadblock to them.
The feeling of independence is a realy good feeling, where one can do whatever he wants without anyone telling him what to do. Everyone wants this as soon as they become adults, but at what cost? Staying with a family for a few more years definitely doesn't hurt. It even helps you shape yourself and be a better, and more independent person in life. That is why, I feel that young adults should stay with their families.
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Re: Please rate my TOEFL essay  [#permalink]

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New post 16 Sep 2016, 08:06
1. Overall your structure is fine, but you should probably stick to writing just two body paragraphs. That's almost always sufficient. Your last body paragraph is too short, and your work would be better without it.

2. Your grammar, overall, is pretty good. Keep studying, but be proud of your current ability.

Introduction:

3. Your introduction is poor. At no point do you state an answer to the question you have been asked. This might be because you are working from a poor textbook or source of questions, but you should probably say "I agree that there will be fewer cars on the road in the future than there are today." Check out my guide to the independent essay (on the main page) for a suggested template that will work well.

4. "Cars are..." is better than "cars have been."

5. "They have improved our mobility and havve connected us to people in distant places."
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Re: Please rate my TOEFL essay   [#permalink] 16 Sep 2016, 08:06
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