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This is my second essay to write.
I would really appreciate your feedback on several matters. Firstly, the grammatical structure of the sentences. Secondly, the choice of words. And finally the overall structure of the essay; in addition to the approximate score.

The following appeared in a memorandum from the human resources department of Diversified Manufacturing:

“Managers at our central office report that their employees tend to be most productive in the days immediately preceding a vacation. To help counteract our declining market share, we could increase the productivity of our professional staff members, who currently receive four weeks paid vacation a year, by limiting them to a maximum of one week’s continuous vacation time. They will thus take more vacation breaks during a year and give us more days of maximum productivity.”

Essay:


The argument states that an increase in productivity of the staff will ultimately lead to an increase in market share. This conclusion is based on the premise that employees tend to be most productive in the days immediately preceding a vacation; therefore, limiting the employees to a maximum of one week’s continuous vacation time.

However, this argument is flawed in several ways. Firstly, the act of splitting the vacations could counteract productivity by disrupting future vacation plans of employees, consequently producing the opposite effect of reducing productivity. And finally, Human resources fails to provide any concrete evidence to further clarify the reasons behind the declining market share.

The fist issue to be addressed would be the act of splitting the vacations. Human resources assumes that splitting the vacations would result in increase productivity; however, the opposite effect could occur entirely. For example, employees of the company may have planned to use the vacation time to spend it with the family, travelling to other parts of the world during summer. A time during which most institutions take their vacations. Therefore, disrupting plans as such could further reduce moral and further enhance the declining market share.

In addition, Human resources assumes that the decline in market share is closely tied to productivity, but fails to provide any analytics or evidence behind the companies declining market share. For example, a decline in market share could be the result of many factors, such as costs or high pricing of products. This ultimately drives away customers and reduces the company’s market share. Therefore, assuming that productivity alone would increase market share without considering both external and internal factors would not solve the root problem of the company.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed in many ways and fails to provide any concrete evidence to its claims. If the company was to provide statistical data and market analysis, further action could be taken and a more efficient strategy could be planned that is backed by evidence.