AWA Score: 5 out of 6
I have used a GMAT AWA auto-grader to evaluate your essay.
Coherence and connectivity: 4/5
This rating corresponds to the flow of ideas and expressions from one paragraph to another. The effective use of connectives and coherence of assertive language in arguing for/against the argument is analyzed. This is deemed as one of the most important parameters.
Paragraph structure and formation: 4/5
The structure and division of the attempt into appropriate paragraphs are evaluated. To score well on this parameter, it is important to organize the attempt into paragraphs. Preferable to follow the convention of leaving a line blank at the end of each paragraph, to make the software aware of the structure of the essay.
Vocabulary and word expression: 4.5/5
This parameter rates the submitted essay on the range of relevant vocabulary possessed by the candidate basis the word and expression usage. There are no extra- points for bombastic word usage. Simple is the best form of suave!
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In this argument, the argument presents the conclusion that the company should adopt a credo similar to that of Medmaster, in order to improve the company's profitability. The basis of this recommendation is that the company's nearest competitor, Medmaster, adopted a strong credo 3 years ago and their revenues have increased by 25% since then. At first glance, the argument appears to be somewhat convincing, but further scrutiny reveals that it omits some important concerns that should be addressed to substantiate the argument.
Most conspicuously, the argument commits a fallacy of causal oversimplification by attributing the increase of Medmaster's revenues to its adoption of credo 3 years ago. However, no evidence is stated to prove that the adoption of credo 3 years ago solely led to the increase of the revenues. What if Medmaster's revenues were increased because the company had better products in the market, or the company had gained a larger market share? The argument would have been more convincing if it had clearly illustrated the correlation between the adoption of credo and the increase of the revenues.
Moreover, the argument falsely depends on an assumption that what worked for Medmaster will also work for the company. Different companies might have totally different organizational structures, product strategies, operation guidelines, etc. A strategy that worked for one company does not necessarily mean that it will work for another company. Hence, without providing evidence to illustrate why the company will also increase its revenues by doing what Medmaster did 3 years ago, this assumption is unfounded.
Finally, the argument unfairly made another assumption that an increase in revenue will lead to an increase in profitability. While the revenue is an important element in determining the overall profitability of a company, it is hardly the only element. In fact, there are also many other factors that contributing to a company's profitability, such as operation cost, production cost, sales, market share, etc. Unless these possibilities are ruled out, it is unwarranted to make the assumption that the company's profitability will be higher when the revenues are increased.
To sum up, the conclusion that the company should adopt the credo just like how Medmaster did before is seriously undermined by numerous flaws in the reasoning identified above. If the reasoning can be taken into account, the argument will be much more thorough and convincing.