Your ideas are good, but you should focus more on the grammar and idioms. Avoid tricky idioms and prepositions. try to me more consistent with your tense frame. Try to work on making your own template to make your life easier. (as this one:
https://gmatclub.com/forum/how-to-get-6-0-awa-my-guide-64327.html?fl=menu)
here are some thoughts about your writing:
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In the memorandum stated above, the author concluded that the paucity of local news and weather update affects
badly on the number of audience of the late-night news program. However, to evaluate the argument properly, three questions need to be answered.
affects: don't need "on" preposition --> affects the number
Badly: adverb should be set before the verb. It shouldn't be between the verb and the object
First of all, who
are the major portion of the audience of the news program? If the
majority of the viewers are generally aware of local news, then
they will naturally be inclined to listening to national issues in the program. on the contrary, if majority of the viewers or listeners are from labor community, they might be in need of concentrating more on the local news rather than national affairs. For instance,
if a driver who drives a truck containing vegetables would be more keen to listen about the current weather update in order to make decisions regarding driving on that particular night. The lack of clarity about the type of audience makes the conclusion of the memorandum
ambiguous.
Major portion is singular
Majority is singular (because the collective is being emphasized) --> try to avoid these tricky subjects
"if" : should be omitted as there is two clauses to be linked (you only have one clause) --> the mistake was probably because of using to long sentences.
"ambiguous": actually the conclusion of the author was "clear", but not "based on strong evidence" or "fragile" or "premature".
Secondly, does the cancelled advertisement contract
have any
correlation with broadcasting local news and weather update? Normally those who
advertises through late-night news programs typically advertises for a wide range of products. however, it is very important to know about the dependency of the advertised product on weather and local news. For example, if an umbrella company posts advertisement about
their recently improved umbrellas in the time of heavy rainfall,
it will be beneficial only for the time when there is actually heavy rainfall and this is directly contingent upon the fact that the late-night news actually broadcasts weather update. Otherwise, the argument will not hold true.
contract is singular
correlation with: when using the noun, it is "correlation between". when using the verb, it is "correlated with"
advertises: should be "advertise" because of the plural subject "those"
their: there is no plural noun to refer to (I know you are pointing to the company)
what is "it"? : avoid using pronouns with ambiguous precedent --> is the rain beneficial? or is the advertisement beneficial? or you mean "posting an ad"?
Lastly, there is no clear indication
about the local conditions which are more important news than any national issues. Sometimes, a local event is far more important in terms of news than a national event. The argument fails to provide any instance upon which the relative importance of the local and national news can be evaluated.
indication is not followed by "about".
The whole first sentence is not clear/badly written. you mean "Is there an evidence that local news is more important than national affairs?"
Remember, you promised 3 questions at the beginning, but you stated 2 only , and the third was a direct statement from your side.
The third paragraph was so short. you should have augmented your idea with example as you did in the two previous ones.
From the above
discussions we can infer that, if the author
answer the above mentioned questions properly with more convincing evidences, the conclusion of the argument can be properly evaluated.
discussions: why plural? it is one discussion.
answer: its subject is singular