Please rate my AWA essay:

My second attempt at AWA please let me know what you think and score estimate...

The following appeared in a report presented for discussion at a meeting of the directors of a company that manufactures parts for heavy machinery:

The falling revenues that the company is experiencing coincide with delays in manufacturing. These delays, in turn, are due in large part to poor planning in purchasing metals. Consider further that the manager of the department that handles purchasing of raw materials has an excellent background in general business, psychology, and sociology, but knows little about the properties of metals. The company should, therefore, move the purchasing manager to the sales department and bring in a scientist from the research division to be manager of the purchasing department.

My Response:

The augment claims that falling revenues at the heavy machinery manufacturing company coincide with delays in manufacturing, and furthermore it suggests that these delays are caused by poor planning in the purchase of raw materials. The argument additionally claims that the problems can be fixed by swapping the current business-oriented manager of the purchasing division for a research analyst with deep knowledge of the metals purchased. The argument fails to adequately articulate if failing revenues coinciding with manufacturing delays inherently means that the delays are the cause. The argument also fails to articulate the explicitly how poor planning in purchasing metals leads to production delays. Additionally the argument assumes that a research scientist can make plan better than a business-oriented manager without substantiating this assumption.

The argument states that the falling revenues coincide with manufacturing delays, but nowhere in the claim is the causal connection between manufacturing delays and falling revenue articulated. Thus the argument has not adequately considered alternative causes for falling revenue such as a slowing economy, poor decisions from management, or the loss of a key customer account.

The argument also attempts to create a causal connection between planning in purchasing of metals and delays in manufacturing. Again, the argument fails to articulate the causal relationship between planning and delays, and additionally does not consider other potential reasons for the delay such as staff availability, timely access to other manufacturing inputs beyond metals, poor day-to-day management.

Finally the argument assumes that in order to be able to purchase metals and create a purchasing plan, an employee needs to understand the metals themselves. Planning inherently is a skill that those with broad-based business knowledge would be more adept at than a research scientist. Additionally many metal traders, who work for the most successful metal purchasing firms tend to come from a business background. Hence, the assumption does not seem to be supported by enough evidence to be validated.

The argument fails to explore in further detail and provide evidence for the causal relationships that it puts forward, and additionally relies on an assumption that lacks evidence to support it. Thus the argument is weak and unconvincing based on the claim that delays caused by poor planning in purchasing is the root cause of the falling revenue and the assumption that knowledge of metals is required for purchasing.