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# Please rate my first AWA

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Intern
Joined: 14 Dec 2018
Posts: 13

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25 Nov 2019, 10:10
Hello Everyone,

This is my first post on this forum and moreover, it is the first AWA I have written. Can someone please help me but telling me how much I would score on an AWA like below and what can I do to improve my score?

The following appeared as a part of an advertisement for Adams, who is seeking reelection as governor:
“Reelect Adams, and you will be voting for proven leadership in improving the state’s economy. Over the past year alone, 70 percent of the state’s workers have had increases in their wages, 5,000 new jobs have been created, and six corporations have located their headquarters here. Most of the respondents in a recent poll said they believed that the economy is likely to continue to improve if Adams is reelected. Adams’s opponent, Zebulon, would lead our state in the wrong direction because Zebulon disagrees with many of Adams’s economic policies.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.

The argument is based on the assumption that Adams himself was responsible for the supposed welfare of the state and that his opponent will lead the state in the wrong direction. This argument is an advertisement and does a good job of portraying Adam as a good candidate against Zebulon. However, the argument itself is flawed if one looks at it carefully.

First of all, the good work that Adam has done is not quantifiable. Seventy percent of the state’s workers have had an increase in wages, but the argument does not state how much increase, whether the increase is more or less than the previous years, and most importantly how did Adam influence the increase. Moreover, the six new headquarters seems to be a very impressive addition to the state. However, the argument fails to consider that the corporation setup takes a long time due to many negotiations. Hence, it is unlikely that Adams was available to do all the negotiations in one year. It is likely that his predecessors had a role to play in those negotiations.

Secondly, there is no information given about who was polled: Were they the people of the state, were they the people of the new companies that Adams brought to the state, how many people were polled, were these the people who voted for Adams in the first place. It is important to get answers to these questions to understand whether the poll was conducted in an unbiased manner. If the poll included only those people who voted for Adams, then they probably already like Adams and want him back. If the people who work at these new companies were polled then depending on the deal that Adams gave these companies, these people are likely to speak well of Adams. If the people who were polled live outside the state, then their opinions are second hand and can’t actually determine if Adams would be a good candidate for reelection.

Thirdly, the argument states that Zebulon will lead the country in the wrong direction. However, there is no mention of what the wrong direction is. The argument does not mention the policies that Zebulon stands for, hence, making it very difficult for the reader to evaluate the validity of this assertion.

In conclusion, though the argument works well as an advertisement to draw in an average person to vote for Adams, it fails on a deeper look. The argument needs to contain solid statistics to prove that Adams has improved the state’s economy and address the problems Adams wants to solve if he is reelected. Furthermore, the survey needs more detail on the demographics, the types of questions asked, and the conclusion drawn. Last but not least, Zebulon’s policies that will lead the state in the wrong direction need to be directly addressed instead of being skated over.

Any help is much appreciated. Thank you.
Sloan MIT School Moderator
Joined: 17 Jul 2018
Posts: 582
Re: Please rate my first AWA  [#permalink]

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25 Nov 2019, 13:32
1
deekshajuneja wrote:
Hello Everyone,

This is my first post on this forum and moreover, it is the first AWA I have written. Can someone please help me but telling me how much I would score on an AWA like below and what can I do to improve my score?

The following appeared as a part of an advertisement for Adams, who is seeking reelection as governor:
“Reelect Adams, and you will be voting for proven leadership in improving the state’s economy. Over the past year alone, 70 percent of the state’s workers have had increases in their wages, 5,000 new jobs have been created, and six corporations have located their headquarters here. Most of the respondents in a recent poll said they believed that the economy is likely to continue to improve if Adams is reelected. Adams’s opponent, Zebulon, would lead our state in the wrong direction because Zebulon disagrees with many of Adams’s economic policies.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.

The argument is based on the assumption that Adams himself was responsible for the supposed welfare of the state and that his opponent will lead the state in the wrong direction. This argument is an advertisement and does a good job of portraying Adam as a good candidate against Zebulon. However, the argument itself is flawed if one looks at it carefully.

First of all, the good work that Adam has done is not quantifiable. Seventy percent of the state’s workers have had an increase in wages, but the argument does not state how much increase, whether the increase is more or less than the previous years, and most importantly how did Adam influence the increase. Moreover, the six new headquarters seems to be a very impressive addition to the state. However, the argument fails to consider that the corporation setup takes a long time due to many negotiations. Hence, it is unlikely that Adams was available to do all the negotiations in one year. It is likely that his predecessors had a role to play in those negotiations.

Secondly, there is no information given about who was polled: Were they the people of the state, were they the people of the new companies that Adams brought to the state, how many people were polled, were these the people who voted for Adams in the first place. It is important to get answers to these questions to understand whether the poll was conducted in an unbiased manner. If the poll included only those people who voted for Adams, then they probably already like Adams and want him back. If the people who work at these new companies were polled then depending on the deal that Adams gave these companies, these people are likely to speak well of Adams. If the people who were polled live outside the state, then their opinions are second hand and can’t actually determine if Adams would be a good candidate for reelection.

Thirdly, the argument states that Zebulon will lead the country in the wrong direction. However, there is no mention of what the wrong direction is. The argument does not mention the policies that Zebulon stands for, hence, making it very difficult for the reader to evaluate the validity of this assertion.

In conclusion, though the argument works well as an advertisement to draw in an average person to vote for Adams, it fails on a deeper look. The argument needs to contain solid statistics to prove that Adams has improved the state’s economy and address the problems Adams wants to solve if he is reelected. Furthermore, the survey needs more detail on the demographics, the types of questions asked, and the conclusion drawn. Last but not least, Zebulon’s policies that will lead the state in the wrong direction need to be directly addressed instead of being skated over.

Any help is much appreciated. Thank you.

I'd say this is definitely well structured
Computer will give you more than 5 definitely
I will give you 5.5-6 for this well crafted and well written document
General GMAT Forum Moderator
Joined: 15 Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Concentration: General Management, Finance
GMAT 1: 720 Q50 V37
Re: Please rate my first AWA  [#permalink]

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25 Nov 2019, 21:05
1
deekshajuneja - Welcome to GMAT Club!

Your AWA attempt is pretty strong and therefore you'll likely receive a score above 5 for such an essay on the real-GMAT. The essay is well structured with proper use of structural keywords; also, you have a very few grammar errors, mostly pertaining to style. One single piece of advice for you would be to proofread your writing for a good 2-3 minutes to eliminate any minor issues. All the best.
Intern
Joined: 14 Dec 2018
Posts: 13

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25 Nov 2019, 22:57
DisciplinedPrep wrote:
- Welcome to GMAT Club!

Your AWA attempt is pretty strong and therefore you'll likely receive a score above 5 for such an essay on the real-GMAT. The essay is well structured with proper use of structural keywords; also, you have a very few grammar errors, mostly pertaining to style. One single piece of advice for you would be to proofread your writing for a good 2-3 minutes to eliminate any minor issues. All the best.

Thank you so much!!

Can you please elaborate on what those stylistic grammatical errors are? I would love to improve on those.

Moreover, I was wondering, do you think it matters what arguments I make? After submitting my answer here, I felt that my second argument was rather weak as it didn't mention anything about the content of the poll, eg. did the poll include the feelings of voters towards the opponent, etc.
Please rate my first AWA   [#permalink] 25 Nov 2019, 22:57
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# Please rate my first AWA

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