Elsa123
Question
The following appeared in a report presented for discussion at a meeting of the directors of a company that manufactures parts for heavy machinery.
“The falling revenues that the company is experiencing coincide with delays in manufacturing. These delays, in turn, are due in large part to poor planning in purchasing metals. Consider further that the manager of the department that handles purchasing of raw materials has an excellent background in general business, psychology, and sociology, but knows little about the properties of metals. The company should, therefore, move the purchasing manager to the sales department and bring in a scientist from the research division to be manager of the purchasing department.”
Response
The argument claims that a manufacturer for heavy metals should move a purchasing manager to the sales department and bring a scientist from the research department to head the purchasing department. This the argument claims is required to reduce delays in manufacturing caused by poor planning due to lack of knowledge of the current purchasing manager. This will in turn aid in curbing falling revenues. Presented in this way, the argument reaches a hasty conclusion based on inconclusive evidence and conveys a distorted view of the situation.
Firstly, the argument claims that the falling revenue coincides with delays in manufacturing. The argument is implying that the delays in manufacturing is a a reason for falling revenue. How are we sure about that? The argument does not give any details about other factors that could be responsible for falling revenues. What if there is a economic recession in the economy which has depressed revenues of all companies. Is this sector as a whole facing falling revenues? Are there other major reasons for this fall? Without providing adequate data about other potential factors that could be affecting revenue, we cannot draw a conclusion that the delays in manufacturing is a major reason for the falling revenue.
Secondly, the argument claims that the delays can be reduced with proper planning and knowledge about properties of metals. This claim is a stretch. Knowledge about raw materials cannot be the only requirement for planning and coordinating purchasing raw materials for manufacturing. General business acumen, people connections, relationships with suppliers and so on could be just as important for the timely completion of the manufacturing process. Without the other reasons we cannot be sure if it is a good decision to remove the current manager.How do we know if the incoming scientist will have the other skills required in coordinating the planning (other than knowledge about properties of metals)? Scientists tend to be concentrated on specific areas of research; we do not know if we can find a manger who will have in-detail knowledge about all the raw materials. Without answers to these questions, we are made to believe that the argument is wishful thinking, rather than substantiated evidence.
In conclusion, the argument remains inconclusive because of the above-mentioned reason. Conclusions based on more concrete evidence will go a long way in substantiating the argument. Until that is done, the argument remains weak and open to debate.
Two pointers:
1. Small, but important. Your second sentence starts off missing a couple commas around "the argument claims." This is your first impression of your writing, so you want it to be tidy. I only mention this because I assume you go for this same intro on a lot of your AWAs, so you want to make the adjustment. I'm also not keen that you've got "the argument claims" twice within your first sentence-plus-four-words.
2. Your intro and conclusion could both be bolstered by following the "Tell them what you're going to tell them, then tell them, then tell them what you've told them" approach. That is, you say in your intro paragraph that "the argument reaches a hasty conclusion based on inconclusive evidence and conveys a distorted view." Give me more. Tell me the 140-character version of what you're about to describe in more detail in the following body paragraphs. Weave something like "...by failing to account for other, non-managerial, possible explanations for the falling revenues and by weighting scientific background as more important to the position than other skills." Then do another paraphrase of that in your conclusion.