asurih wrote:
Hey All! I'm preparing to take the GMAT in a few months and am following the
Magoosh study plan. I just wrote my first AWA and would be grateful if someone with a bit more experience with the exam could help me out by taking a look and grading. Prompt is below in italics and the response below that in bold. Thanks so much!
The following appeared as part of a newspaper editorial "Two years ago Nova High School began to use interactive computer instruction in three academic subjects. The school dropout rate declined immediately, and last year's graduates have reported some impressive achievements in college. In future budgets the school board should use a grater portion of the available funds to buy more computers, and all schools in the district should adopt interactive computer instruction throughout the curriculum."
The argument presented in the editorial posits that the introduction of computerized instruction at NOVA high school led to a decline in the school’s dropout rate, consequently arguing that such instruction ought to be adopted across all schools in the district. This line of reasoning, is seriously flawed for several reasons, mainly because it attributes certain effects to factors that we cannot definitively say caused them.
The most glaring error in the logic the editorial uses is the idea that the use of computerized instruction definitively led to a reduction in the dropout rate in NOVA high school. The computerized instruction, so lauded by the editorial, was only provided in three subjects at NOVA high school meaning that the reduced dropout rate could stem from improved instruction in other classes where it was not used. Moreover, even in the classes that such instruction was used, definitively concluding that computerized instruction was the cause of increased student success with the information given is a tenous argument. For example, studies have shown that if teachers adopt a practice known as “teaching a growth mindset”, wherein all they do is simply encourage the students by telling them they are capable of growing academically and reinforcing that idea constantly, students improve their grades. In such a scenario, computerized instruction may have been present but the sole catalyst in student improvement and a lower dropout rate was purely psychological and unrelated to such instruction. Additional information such as a survey conducted among students who received computerized instruction and those that didn’t would allow us to gain a better understanding of whether or not such instruction positively affected their academic performance. Even with such information, however, it is difficult to make a sweeping conclusion on such instruction’s effect on the dropout rate since a whole plethora of social, environmental, and internal factors can affect an individual student’s grades.
The logical leaps the editorial makes bounds even further when considering its overall conclusion. Saying that every school in the district should adopt NOVA’s computerized model for classes is not only flawed, but possibly detrimental to the district’s best interests. Firstly, even if NOVA’s reduced dropout rate was reduced because of computerized instruction, the editorial conveniently forgets to mention by how much the dropout rate declined. If it was by a paltry margin of no statistical significance, then by having other schools in the district reapportion their budgets to do the same makes it impossible for those schools to use those same funds for important initiatives such as tackling food insecurity or buying school supplies for students who can’t afford them. In order for these schools to make a logical decision on the worth of such an initiative, they have to know by how much the dropout rate at NOVA fell. Even then, it’s a gamble to make a decision on a costly program involving computerized instruction since what worked in NOVA might now work in all schools. However, in such a case having such data could at least allow other schools in the district to make an educated decision on whether or not such instruction was worthwhile.
While it is laudable that NOVA saw its dropout rates decline, and all schools should aim to see the same, attributing the decline to computerized instruction is dubious at best. The district must be careful with how it spends the limited resources it has and without further consideration should not hastily adopt this measure.
The argument is good. Just I'd suggest one more thing.
Symmetry and a lil bit of extra words wouldn't hurt
This is how I try the AWA
First para - Proper rephrasing
Second Para- Flaw
Third para- Flaw
Fourth para- Flaw
Fifth para- Conclusion with suggestion in detail
Just extend the last para a bit and also add a third flaw in separate paragraph.
This one might get you a 5 but you can definitely get a 6
close
15 Aug 2019, 17:25
